BLACKmail

17

My life is a joke.

After my rapist sends me home, I try to sleep considering it's already midnight so I only have 6 hours before going to the office for my first day of work after 4 weeks leave.

But I can't, so I stare at the darkness like an idiot, just waiting for sleep to come and grab me.

Though all I can think of is, how unfair God is to me. How cruel fate is to slap me with this misfortune. Most of all, why me, of all people in this world? Why me?

Then I hear Juls opens the front door, along with the giggles that follow after. She's bringing someone home again.

Well, that's expected. But I'm not sure if it's a new girl or the same one she's been seeing since two weeks ago.

I'm worried, I really am, if she has a change of heart, if she doesn't love me anymore, if she doesn't want me. I'd rather she brings home a different girl instead of the same person because that would mean she favors her, perhaps more than me.

The giggles turn into moans, then screams, and the whole lot of sex-making sounds. I can hear them perfectly since the wall between our bedrooms is not that thick.

So I turn to Netflix and watch a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy. I cry so bad when McSteamy and Lexie die, but who am I fooling, I'm actually crying for how unlucky I am, being trapped with my rapist till God knows when.

When morning comes I get ready for work and stay busy as much as I can, trying to forget the chaos in my life.

"Babe," Juls calls me from her room when I just got home.

"Yeah?" I walk to her after dropping my work bag on the couch, "What's our plan for dinner? Can we have hot wings?"

But I know nobody's having hot wings once I see the big luggage she's packing her clothes in.

"You're going somewhere?"

"Hey," she smiles the moment she sees me, "You look cute in that outfit," as usual she compliments me every time I don a feminine blouse instead of the boring dark colored button down shirt, "I told you this colour suits your skin tone."

But I'm not fazed by the compliment, "Where are you going? It's too early to pack for our vacation." And that's when it hits me. Shit. Our vacation. I totally forgot we are going away this weekend for the whole week.

"I have to leave tomorrow morning for Chicago. But don't worry," she sits on the bed then takes my hand so I'd sit on her lap, "I'll be home before Friday."

"About that..." I don't dare to look at her right in the eyes, "I just got a new assignment today." I'm sorry my love, I'm sorry I have to lie to you.

Because there is no way I'm gonna ask her for a break up. I love her. She's my everything. How am I going to live if I lose my everything?

"What?" She frowns, and starts mouthing French words which I know she's upset with the news. She hates it every time I tell her I have to leave for work, and now she sure loathes it because I just ruined our vacation, even before it begins.

"You just got back!" She finally says something in English, but still in that angry tone, "Do you even love me? Do you still want to be with me? You just got back!"

"I'm so sorry, babe. I promise we'll go-"

"No Charlie, no!" She hasn't called me by my name since years ago, making me nervous with what's gonna happen later. Please don't ask me for a break up, Juls. Please. I'm already losing myself to the rapist, I can't lose you. I can't. You're my everything.

"I'm so sick of having a girlfriend who is not here all the time. Even when you're here, you're not here."

I totally understand where she's coming from but I also don't know what to do. I'm still traumatised by what happened at Thailand. Do you think I want to make my love one feel this way? No. Never.

"Can you give me some time alone?" She says after she keeps quiet for a while, "I need to think."

"Okay." I nod and walk to the door, "I love you, baby. So much."

"I know," she murmurs without looking at me, her palms are still covering her face.

"I'm sorry."

But she doesn't reply me so I get out of there, giving the space she asked. Perhaps we'll talk again once she's back from Chicago.

***

Before I leave for work I knock on her door to say goodbye. She hasn't come out of her room since our mini fight yesterday.

But the silence made me open the door only to see the empty bed that doesn't look like she slept on it last night. Did she go to her?

My phone dings signalling a message is coming through. I run to my room to get it only to read the R name on the locked screen. R-apist.

Good morning. I'll pick you up today at seven okay?

I take a deep breath as I close my eyes, trying to find some kind of encouragement to brave through today. Or specifically, of what's coming at seven.

I've packed my bag, I'm ready to leave, but my heart is reluctant to do what my brain tells me to. I've reasoned with myself these two nights, thinking of the consequences if I go to the police and report him.

But there's also this part in my brain that tells me to negotiate terms with him, perhaps put a time limit to it. That way I can walk out without jeopardising my future or my family's good name.

The way he treated me two nights ago, it seems like he's the nicer Gabriel who fed me three times a day instead of the evil, awful Gabriel who rapes her boss at night.

Why can't I just take my life and be suicidal? It's the easiest way out. Afterall I'm too traumatised to be the old Charlie Lee, and the future is too blurry with Gabriel Black pasted all over it.