Change // H.S.

14. Feelings

*Harry's POV*

I opened my eyes and all I saw was white. The brightness of the place blinded me and it took a while for my eyes to adjust to the brightness. I looked around and saw nothing but a dark figure up ahead. The figure was slowly getting bigger. I realized it was coming towards me. I wanted to run away in fear but my feet wouldn't move.

As the figure made its way closer, I could make out some of its features. I realized the figure was a woman. She had long, wavy brown hair. She looks familiar.... I froze. No. This can't be. She's dead.

My mum stopped walking once she was three feet away from me. I wanted to run towards her and hug her but I couldn't move. I tried so hard to move but after a few minutes, I gave up. It was no use. Tears spilled down my cheeks. It hurt to be so close and not be able to touch her--to feel her warmth. My mum gave me a sad smile and a tear rolled down her cheek. Even though she was sad, she was still beautiful. It's been so long since I've seen her face. I can tell that she's well-rested. The wrinkles are gone and her hair is a rich chocolate color.

I opened my mouth to say something but no words came out. My mum noticed my struggle and finally spoke.

"I love you, Harry. I love you with all my heart." My tears came down like a waterfall. I wish I could say something to her. I wish I could tell her that I was sorry and that I love her too. All I wanted to do was run into her arms.

"Do you love me, Harry?" my mum asked, her tone suddenly becoming venomous. "Do you? I don't think you do because if you did, you wouldn't have done what you did to me." My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I opened my mouth to protest but nothing came out. I'm sorry, mum! I'm sorry for everything!

I saw my mum pull out a knife from behind her back. I wanted to run but of course my feet wouldn't move. My mum walked up to me slowly, closing the remaining space between us. She then ran the knife into my stomach and I screamed in pain.

I woke up panting. I found it difficult to control my breathing. I lifted my shirt expecting to see blood but I saw nothing. I ran my hand through my hair in relief and took a deep breath. Once I started to calm down, I turned to look at the clock. It was 4:35 AM. I need to smoke. Right now. I got up and put a jacket on. I found my pack of cigarettes and a lighter, put them in my pocket, and walked out the door.

It was pleasant walking down the empty streets. It was cold outside but there was no snow on the ground thankfully. I kept walking. I dug out a cigarette and quickly lit it. Right when I was about to put the cigarette in my mouth, an image of my mum's face flashed in my mind. I dropped the cigarette in shock and the nightmare from earlier started to creep back into my mind. I could feel the knife in my stomach. I could see the anger in my mum's eyes. Do you love me, Harry? Do you? I don't think you do because if you did, you wouldn't have done what you did to me. I began to feel sick to my stomach.

"You're wrong!" I shouted. I'm going crazy! I looked around to see if anyone heard my sudden outburst. There was not a living soul in sight, thankfully. I kept walking. The venomous words my mum said to me earlier on replay in my head.

"You're wrong," I repeated in a small voice. "I love you. I wish I could turn back the time. I would've done things differently. But I can't.... And I'm okay with that. What matters is what I'm doing next. I'm changing for you, mum. Just for you. I'm going to be a better person."

I walked around the empty streets thinking about my mum. I wanted to prove her wrong. I thought long and hard about how I was going to quit smoking and drinking. I want my mum to see me clean. That way she can rest in peace knowing that I truly have changed for her. After walking around aimlessly for two hours, I went back to the apartment. I was startled to see Dani on the couch staring at me with worry in her eyes. Her hair was tied back in a messy bun and she was still in her pajamas.