Change // H.S.

28. Guilt (Part 1)

Her apartment holds no warmth anymore. What used to be a safe haven for me is now cold and empty. I turned to face the side of the bed that Dani used to sleep on. I was hoping I'd find her there, her legs tangled with mine and her hands on my face. I squeezed my eyes shut and felt my tears fall. I need to stop doing this to myself. She's gone.

I look forward to the day when I move out of this apartment. I want to move on but living here prevents me from doing so when everything I do and see reminds me of her. Her contract ends at the end of this month. June. I wanted to move out right away but doing so would break the contract and there would be a hefty fee to pay.

June. Also the month she is supposed to graduate with a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. All those years of stress and worry and money for...nothing. She won't be able to walk across the stage to shake hands with the president and receive her degree. There will be no graduation party for her and no first real job using her degree after college. She'll never get married and she'll never be a mother. All that's left is a funeral to plan.

News about Dani's death spread fast at the university she attended. She was 'loved by many' and was a 'pleasure to have in class.' She'll be missed. In celebration of her life, there will be a speech given in her honor and a degree for her to receive on graduation day. Also, her graduation class had decided to plant a cherry blossom in her honor in The Quad. I thought that was the most beautiful thing ever. She's done so much to help others and I was glad people were recognizing that.

The cherry blossom being planted in her honor was planted in the morning. Tom and I had breakfast before attending the ceremony. We sat on a bench watching the cherry blossom for an hour, long after the crowd had dispersed. I would sit on that bench forever if I could but I had to go to the police station at two. I wasn't in the mood for lunch--I wasn't hungry. Even if I was, I wouldn't have the appetite to eat.

I walked up the steps to the police station and took a deep breath before opening the heavy doors. I saw her parents as soon as I walked in. They were sitting together on the couch holding hands. When they saw me arrive, they straightened up and her mum stood up to hug me.

"Thank you so much for coming," she said, breathless. "Sit down." I obliged. We were half an hour early but we didn't care. We just sat together in silence, waiting to be called. Finally, five minutes before 2 PM, we were called by the receptionist.

"Officer Drew Mahoney is ready to see you. The conference room is on the first floor, room 106," the receptionist said, smiling. She pointed down a long hallway and we headed down to the conference room. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. Maybe coming here was a bad idea but it's too late now. Curiosity will get the better of me. We approached room 106 and saw who must be Officer Drew Mahoney in his uniform sitting at the table. I don't recognize him. He's definitely not one of the two officers who were at the apartment that day.

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Taylor. And you must be Harry. Nice to meet you all," he said, shaking hands with everyone. "Would you like anything to drink or any snacks?" We all nodded no. "Alright then. Let me know if you change your mind. There's no point in wasting time. Let's get started." He turned his laptop on and scrolled through what must have been a report explaining everything. Officer Mahoney conspicuously slid a box of tissues towards us. He then took a sip of his coffee and cleared his throat before speaking.

"On the 4th of June at 7:55 PM, we received two calls from two separate people reporting that two gunshots were heard and that two people were found dead in an alley near James Street. The police arrived on the scene at 8:05 PM and found two people dead on arrival." Dani's mum began to break down and cry. She quickly grabbed some tissues and dabbed her eyes. I was just waiting for the time that I would cry as well. Her husband wrapped his arm around her shoulder and brought her closer to him. Officer Mahoney was hesitant about moving on but decided he had to continue. "The first victim was Danielle Taylor, age 22, a senior at the University of Washington. The second victim was Josh Daniels, age 35, a homeless man and drug dealer." I choked on my spit and my eyes went wide. Josh Daniels? THE Josh Daniels? The guy I used to work with selling drugs? No way....

"Are you okay, Harry?" I realized all eyes were on me. I straightened up in my chair.

"Yes I'm fine. Continue, please," I replied. But of course I was far from fine. I never liked Josh and I knew of his unstable mind. I just had no idea that he was the homeless man stalking Dani. If I had known, I could've confronted him--told him to stay away. That way, this would have never happened. My heart then fell. What if I was the one who inadvertently introduced Josh to Dani? Dani and I spent a lot of time together and he could've caught sight of her and fell in love. This is all my fault....

"At first it wasn't clear who killed who or if there was a third person involved," the officer continued. "We did an investigation and everything fell into place. Here is what we believe happened that night, but before I start, I need to provide you with some background.

Danielle has a history of feeding homeless people in the streets. We believe Danielle had fed Josh several times and he had fallen in love with her. Josh is mentally ill. He is known to be suicidal and has violent tendencies. For example, there was a time in high school where he threatened to kill a classmate with a knife for making fun of him. He was told to get help but never listened and ran away. He became homeless at the age of 17 and got into drugs at a young age.

Toxicology results revealed that there was 0.75 mg/L of cocaine in Josh's blood. We believe he had reached the end of his high and was suffering from severe depression when he approached Danielle. He was upset and unstable--a bad combination that led to the shooting of Danielle in the head." Officer Mahoney paused to breathe and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I started to cry, imagining the situation in my head. I turned to look at her parents and they were sobbing as well. "I will not go into any details but she died right away. A few minutes later, Josh turned the gun on himself and shot himself in the head. His death was quick." The room was heavy. I couldn't breathe. It took a long time for this new information to sink in.

"But--why? Why would he kill her if he--if he loved her?" her dad asked between sobs.

"That is a good question that we don't know the answer to. We believe he--" the officer started but I cut him off.

"He killed her because she didn't love him," I answered, surprising myself at how sure I was. I could hear her parents gasping.

"How do you know?" her dad asked. His question wasn't accusing at all. He genuinely wanted to know how I knew.

"She told me he loved her but she didn't love him back," I recalled. "She had enough of him so she lied to him saying she had a boyfriend hoping he'd leave her alone."

"But she doesn't have a boyfriend," her dad countered.

"I agreed to become her fake boyfriend. Josh probably saw us together and that must have set something off," I said. Everyone was silent. "I didn't want to be her fake boyfriend though. I told her I loved her the day before she died and she said she loved me too." I don't know why I was telling them this. It was hard to say those words. My voice just sounded hollow and disconnected. Dani's mum held my hand and gave me a small smile.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," the officer started. "But that makes sense. He probably killed Danielle out of rage or jealousy." I flinched at his words. He said them so casually it bothered me.

And that was when it hit me. Even though she may have met Josh before she met me and that it wasn't me who inadvertently introduced Josh to her, everything is still my fault. I caused Josh's rage and jealousy. I'm the reason why she's dead. I turned to face her parents, my eyes full of tears.

"It was all my fault," I said to them, my voice full of emotion. "I'm the reason why she's dead and I'm so, so sorry. Please forgive me." I quickly ran out of the conference room.

"Harry--WAIT!" I heard her dad shout after me but I kept running. I pushed the heavy doors open and ran out into the streets. I didn't know where I was going. All I knew was that I had to keep moving. I decided to turn right and ran.

I'm the reason why my mum is dead. I'm the reason why Dani is dead.