Change // H.S.

2. What Am I Doing With My Life Right Now?

*Harry's POV*

♫ Tell myself I'm fine in celebrating nothing

And all the time I waste on celebrating nothing

How many times can I blow it all

How many times will I burn it down ♫

Phantogram's "Celebrating Nothing" is blaring out of the speakers. I lay on the couch with my eyes closed, taking in the music.

♫ Give me a reason to stay alive

I've got the feeling we're--

The music is abruptly turned off. "Hey!" I shout. "I was listening to that!" Slightly annoyed, I got up and opened my eyes to find my friend Tom leaning against the wall. He looks tense and...upset? "Is everything okay?" I ask. Tom sighs and walks over to the couch I'm sitting on and sits down.

"No. Everything's not okay. Kelsey and I broke up," he says with his face in his hands. I put my hand on his back reassuringly. "I don't know where we went wrong. I thought we were doing just fine." I frown. Tom and Kelsey have been friends since middle school. It wasn't until their junior year in college that they started dating. I thought they were perfect for each other but I guess they weren't.

"It's okay," I say, trying to comfort him. "Maybe she'll change her mind and come back."

"She's not coming back," he continues to say in his hands. "She's coming over tonight to get her stuff and then she's moving back in with her parents. Harry...."

"Maybe she'll change her mind." As soon as I say that, I realize I already said that. I mentally face palm myself.

"Harry, I don't think you understand the extent of this problem. I can't afford to stay in this apartment by myself if she leaves. I have to go back home and live with my parents," he says. My heart drops to the ground.

"I...I can help you pay the rent," I say knowing it's not true.

"Where on earth are you going to come up with $700?" he asks me loudly. "You don't have a job and you don't have family you can borrow money from!" I bite my tongue, hurt by his words. Tom realizes what he said and quickly apologizes. "I'm sorry, Harry. It's just--there's so much going on right now."

"I understand," I say, looking down at my lap.

"Harry...." he says. I turn to look at him. "What are you doing with your life right now? I don't mean to be rude but you can't live like this forever." He's right. What am I doing with my life right now?

My mum practically raised me on her own after dad left. She worked three jobs to make a living. I guess you could say I grew up without a mum as well since I almost never saw her. I struggled to keep up in school and I hung around with the wrong crowd. In high school, I experimented with drugs and often got drunk with my friends. I would come home late at night and my mum would be there to greet me worried sick. She would scold me for getting high and drunk and then I would hear her crying herself to sleep. I'm sure she was always wondering where she went wrong.

Eventually, all of this was too much for her. She died of a heart attack when I was eighteen. I am now twenty. I haven't done drugs since she died but I still sell them. I still smoke and drink because those are the only things I have left to cope with the pain of losing my mum. I never graduated from high school. I've been hopping around from place to place, selling drugs in order to make a living. I'm supposed to live with my aunt but I refuse to live with her. I'm doing just fine living on my own. I don't need anyone to take care of me.

"My parents are helping me move out this weekend," Tom says, snapping me back into reality. "Are you going to be okay living on your own? Do you have anywhere to go?" He looks at me with a worried expression.

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about me," I say. I give him a fake smile. I hope what I said is true.

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♫ "Celebrating Nothing" by Phantogram is on the side if you want to listen. :)