Change // H.S.

29. Guilt (Part 2)

I'm a coward. I'm always running away from my problems but what good does that do? I long to be happy but I know I will never be happy. I f*cked up and now I'm dealing with the consequences.

I wandered the streets until midnight before I decided to go home. I was relieved to find the apartment empty. I wasn't in the mood to talk. I didn't want to see their broken faces. I collapsed on the bed, drunk.

I promised I wouldn't drink to deal with my sorrow but I couldn't help myself. I breathed in the sheets. Dani's scent was so faint it was almost gone. My eyes welled up with tears and I cried myself to sleep.

.

.

I couldn't keep my eyes closed anymore. I wasn't tired. I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling fan lazily spinning. The sun shined through the curtains casting a warm yellow glow on the walls. I took a minute to listen to the hustle and bustle of the city outside. The warm yellow glow on the walls and the sounds of the city below led me to believe it was either noon or early afternoon.

I took an unsettling breath. It should be over by now.

Guilt washes over me and my hand quickly finds the drawer of the nightstand. I pull out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I lit a cigarette and hesitated before putting it in my mouth. The smoke fills my lungs and I exhale, feeling relieved and sick at the same time. I held the cigarette out in front of me and looked at the wisps of smoke escaping from the end and thought to myself,

It's amazing how one simple action can send you back to the beginning. It's as if you never changed at all.

I slept in and missed her funeral. Oh God, she must hate me right now. And I started drinking and smoking again. She must be fuming. All that hard work for nothing. I quickly got up and threw the cigarette in the toilet in anger and flushed it. I then kicked the wall in frustration. I was doing so well. I was doing so well! And then I had to f*ck it up. Now I'm back at the beginning--back at where I started. I didn't change at all. I leaned my back against the wall and slid down to the ground. I didn't change at all....

.

.

I finally gathered the courage to visit her grave. Her grave was tucked away in a quiet corner with tall trees shading her gravestone. It was very quiet outside and the wind was still. I could see the earth was freshly dug up and there were mounds of beautiful flowers stacked high. I tightened my grip around the bouquet of white roses in my hand and stared down at her gravestone. My mind was blank. I read the words engraved on her gravestone.

In loving memory of
Danielle Rae Taylor
March 3, 1994 - June 4, 2016

My fingers lightly traced the words as I silently mouthed them. I then knelt down and placed the roses on top.

"I'm so sorry this had to happen," I whispered. "I love you, do you know that? I love you with all my heart.

I'll admit that I didn't like you at first. In fact, I found you annoying. Now I just look back at the past and laugh because I was so naive. I didn't know what it was like to be loved by someone until you came along.

You are the most patient and caring person I know. Second to my mum of course 'cause I'll get in trouble if said you were first. I just wanted to say thank you. For everything. For forgiving me when I treated you horribly. For believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. I'd like to say I've become a better person because of you but I can't say that anymore because I broke my promise. I came home drunk last night and smoked this morning. I caved and I'm sorry. I also missed your funeral. Oh God I'm such a horrible person. I hope you'll forgive me some day." There was a bitter taste in my mouth.

"I miss you so much. I wish you were here. This wasn't supposed to happen and it was all because of me." My voice broke and I began sobbing. "All I know is that you're in a better place now. You're in a world free from pain and suffering. But even though you may not be here anymore, you still are. Everything I do and everything I see reminds me of you. You are a constant reminder of how I should always try my best to be a better person, no matter what horrible things I've done in the past. You have a lasting effect on me and I will never forget you for as long as I live. So rest in peace...but maybe you won't 'cause I'll be visiting often and you know how I am. I like to talk." I slowly got up. "Goodbye for now. I'll visit you tomorrow." I turned around to leave and was surprised to see Dani's dad leaning against the gate.

"I knew I'd find you here," he said softly. I didn't know what to say so I just stayed quiet. "You really do love her." His eyes were full of emotion. I thought it'd be a matter of seconds before he'd cry but he didn't. "I was wrong to judge you and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for treating you so poorly and I'm sorry for all of the disgusting things I've said to you."

"You're forgiven," I said to him, smiling.

"You're forgiven too," he replied. I was confused by his words.

"For what?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows, trying to think of what I've done.

"I don't know why you think it's your fault that she's dead. It's not your fault at all. But knowing you, you'd never believe it. So I want you to know that my wife and I forgive you. We've come to know the wonderful young man you are. I want you to know that I'm glad she found you. I truly am. I used to think that what Dani was doing was a waste of time but I've come to see the good that has come out of what she's done. She's given you a second chance at life." He paused to take a breath before continuing. "I don't mean to intrude but I overheard what you said to her. She's worked so hard to give you a second chance. Don't let that go to waste. Even though you've relapsed, it doesn't mean you're forever broken. The road to recovery is not an easy journey and you'll have your ups and downs, but do not ever think that you're worthless, hopeless, or a lost cause because you're not. Dani wouldn't want you to think that. She only wants what's best for you and that is to get better." He smiled at me and his arms reached out for me and I went in for a hug. I couldn't help but cry on his shoulder.

All these people believe in me even though I've done so many horrible things in the past. Why is it so hard for me let go of the past and move on? Why is it so hard for me to forgive myself?

I stared out at the gate and noticed a small hummingbird darting around a wild flower. It's beady eyes followed mine and it quickly flew over us. I turned around to see where it went and saw that it was now hovering around Dani's gravestone. Dani's dad saw what I was looking at.

"Ah, a hummingbird. Do you know what they say? Hummingbirds symbolize great courage and determination," he said. There was a twinkle in his eyes. "The hummingbird is a symbol of all things good."