Redamancy

Chapter 1

Lenna

Not being able to fall in love even though you want it so bad is frustrating.
I understand love. I do.
But not that kind of love you give to a man. The same man you build a life with, are intimate with, and grow with. That's the kind of love I'm yearning to experience.
Most people I know say I should look for it. And when I think about it, I'm happy all by myself. I have that virtue and I call it, freedom.
It's kind of confusing.
Because during my eighteen's that's all I thought of, except that when the opportunity came, I rejected it.
    Rejected the few boys that offered that experience cause I never felt attracted to them. Even though they were good ones I felt nothing. Simply nothing.
     And when I did like someone, I never shoot my shot cause I knew that at that time I was going to study abroad. So not being attached to someone made everything easier. Too much drama.
Thank God I'm too picky when I pick a man.
It was once in a while that I remembered how lonely I was. It was rare when it happened cause something that kept my mind busy was my future. It still is and always will be the most important thing to me. As any woman should.
All I want is to become that businesswoman I've been visualizing since I was sixteen years old. A woman that didn't need a man in her life. Someone to depend on.
Ironic isn't it?
An independent woman that despises when a woman had to depend on a man.
That's how I see it.
I don't need a man. I want a man.
And not because he could please me, no. A woman can still please herself more than a man could. We all know our body more than anyone else could. And I perfectly knew what satisfied me. Or that's what I thought...
"Hey!"
I turned around and smiled as I saw Sarah running towards me. Her laptop was pressed on her chest and from the other side, she carried her favorite purple baguette bag.
The same one she carried the first day we met in Economics class. Back then, her black hair used to be fixed in a ponytail, and the way she dressed was in baggy clothes: Hoodies and joggers, both in different colors. She gave that impression of someone who didn't care about anything.
     And she could care less about how she looked.
Not that she has changed but now she combined both garments appropriately, including a nice hairstyle to flavor her whole appearance.
Although I didn't mind how she dressed, our friendship began when our professor assigned us a collective investigation in which we had to gather in groups.
The worst of it was that I was a freshman and an international student, and most of my classmates somehow knew each other. They acted like best mates. At least the extroverts did.
But that was one interesting thing about me. I'm introverted with extroverted, and the opposite. Quite combined. It all depends on with whom I'm surrounded.
     Introverted people were the best ones to meet. Above all, they didn't complain if I took the initiative or gave ideas. And they liked it when I encouraged them.
That's when I took all my courage to ask if she wanted to join me. As a surprise, she felt the relief of also finding a new friend along the way.
Besides having our differences, such as nationalities, height, and taste in men. We shared the same ideas and enthusiasm for business.
I don't have the same connection with her like I have with my best friend but sure she was someone I could trust. And feel less...lonely in this place.
"What's with the excitement?" I tilt my head.
She finally walks besides me and smiles widely.
"I'm spending summer with my family in that beautiful lake house I told about."
"The same one you go on your father's birthday?"
She nods and hugs her laptop tightly.
"I'm looking forward to it." she sighs. "I need days off from this town. It's so..." She pauses as she struggles to find a word for it.
"Dead? Lonely?" I laugh.
"Yes! I feel like there is no life in this place! No bars, no clubs—" she pauses. "No attractive men."
I laugh louder this time. "You look so innocent that no one would even think you are so—"
"Horny?"
I snigger. "I was going to say fun."
We turn around the corner of a hallway that leads us to our dorms. "Well, at least look at it this way. We don't get distracted. We have time to focus on ourselves."
She rolls her eyes as we finally open our door.
I drop my bag on the floor and fall exhausted on my bed.
"Why don't you come?" I look at her and tilt my eyebrow. "To the lake house?"
I shake my head. "Thank you for the offer but this summer I'm going to the city for my internship."
"Did you already had the interview?!"
"Not yet." I turn around to face the ceiling. "They said I'll have it once I arrive there."
A smile spread on her face. "That's good! You'll do fine!" She sits beside me and lays her chin on the corner of my bed.
"I hope so. I really need that money." I close my eyes. "I need to help my parents to pay at least for an apartment cause you know living in this residence—"
"It's expensive as shit," she finishes, making me laugh again.
"Yes." I look at her. "Besides...having extra money wouldn't be bad." I sigh. "You really know how I crave to work already."
        "But at your own business. You want to work at your own already," she corrects me.
      I smile. "Yeah."
          "Everything at it's own time Lenna."
       I roll my eyes. "You sound exactly like my mom."
          "Isn't your mom always right? You said everything she has warned you about, she ends up being right."
        I sat down and tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. "Almost—" I pause. "Everything."
           "Well mine doesn't. Her experience or instinct in things is always uncertain. She's so—"
        I tilt an eyebrow. "Paranoic?" I finish.
      She straightens and nods with an obvious look.
         "Besides being paranoid, she wants to know what I'm doing at every hour. With who, where—" She covers her face with her hands. "I love my mom is just that sometimes I want to—"
      She begins to pretend she's fighting with someone, her face turning red at the attempt.
          "I feel you." I stand up meanwhile, she begins to look through her wardrobe. "Most of our fights are foolish and that's me just to prove my point."
        Sarah takes a purple dress and throws it into the bed. "And what does she think about young and beautiful women like us to hook up with any man?"
      I cross my arms. "She says women should wait until marriage."
         Her eyes widened. "Please tell me you don't believe in that bullshit." She begins to undress to put her dress on.
          "If a man doesn't wait till marriage why do women need to?" I smile.
          "Exactly, " She smiles back and turns around for me to help her zip her dress. 
Little does she know I respected my mother's opinion cause I knew losing your virginity meant that he was taking a special part of you.
    Of me. At least that's how I felt.
   But I know that if the right man came I'm sure I was going to let him have it. Take it. And own it.
         "Where are you going?"
         "Where are we—" She points the two of us. "Going." She walks away and looks into my wardrobe to throw my beautiful black off-shoulder dress with shining stones I only wore on special occasions. It made me look...expensive.
      That's why I only wear it when it's necessary.
          "We are going to the city with some friends. They are out of our faculty by the way." She bends down to look for her shoes as I remain surprised with the dress still in my hands.
         "At the city? That's far away, three hours at least."
      She shrugs. "So?"
           "Where are we going to stay?"
           "I called my aunt, she's going to give us a room at her house even though we might stay with someone else...Who knows if we meet a hot stranger?" She glances at me with excitement in her eyes.  "I know you are so picky with your choices so, we are going to a good place."
          "At least with this dress not any man will approach to me."
         "The right one will." She smiles again.
Thank God it was our last day. I need to distract myself a bit.
   And I don't think a man will but dancing with friends should.