Redamancy

Lenna's POV. 15

Lenna

My heart thumped loudly with each minute that passed by. It was six fifty-five.
Five minutes left before hitting seven pm. Five minutes left before leaving this place and giving myself to a man who doesn't love me at all.
Someone who doesn't even care about what I feel. But why would he need to?
     I glance at my phone that's sitting next to my laptop, with the huge numbers calling my attention. Every minute and every second that ticked by, made me grasp my chair and desk tightly as if the move will stop me from leaving this place.
       I suck a harsh breath as soon as the six changes to seven. Swallowing harshly, I slowly stand up and cautiously grab my purse and my phone. Eyeing them and holding them as If they are going to fall from my hold once I stand in front of him.
      My boss. My wish. My redemption.
          My legs begin to tremble with each step. If anyone could see me, they would worry of my uneasiness to walk. My quavering posture and my horrified expression don't help either so, I remain frozen in front of the elevator, trying to relax myself.
       I lift my hand to push the button but hesitate. Doubts blind me, and as soon as the thought of leaving surges, it fades when both doors open and the man waiting inside surprises me with an amused look. 
       "Good evening, Ms. Salinger."
Too late now.  
       "Mr. Huxley." I bowed my head slightly and stepped forward.
His face lingered with seriousness. There was no hint of humor this time. His eyes didn't brightened when he saw me. No soft eyes. No loving eyes.
Except for lustful ones.
One that now I'm starting to hate. Cause there was nothing more than cruel intentions. Than a cruel desire.
The elevator ride went silent. And it concerned me. What could he be thinking?
Once the the doors opened, he walked in a quick pace. I tried to imitate his sudden pace but failed to. My legs trembled with each step. And I worried that he noticed.
He opened the door for me meanwhile, he checked around the parking lot, as if he feared that someone could see us together. I tried to ignore the look in his face once I got inside. But it was hard to.
The car ride was also silent. I glanced a few times at him and noticed his tight grip on the steering wheel. His nukels turning white from the aggressive grasp.
I swallowed harshly, and finally tried to make a normal chat to relieve my own tension and his.
"Do you live near?"
Great question Lenna. Shows you're desperate.
I bit my inner lip, hating myself for that question other than asking anything else.
"Takes fifteen minutes to get there."
He finally glances at me and I shyly smile.
"Do you live alone?"
I should definitely shut up. Nerves are getting the best of me.
"Yes, I live alone," he simply says. No emotions.
Not even my absurd questions amuse him.
I nod and turn around to look at the window to distract myself from this embarrassing and anxious moment.
As minutes pass by, we eventually drive in front of huge dark gates that are opened by men dressed in dark suits. One in each side. The car slowly drives by and both men bowed their head before we drove further.
"I thought you lived in an apartment."
I shift slightly in my seat to look at him better.
"I did have one." He glances at me quickly. "But a house is more favorable. No noisy neighbours...no creepy or arrogant strangers passing by—" He pauses. "No one near to annoy you."
I smile at that and relax a bit.
There you are.
"I get that." I look away. "I've had quite the experiences as well."
He remains silent and although he might be annoyed for my upcoming speech of how many creepers I've faced, it will release tension between us. At least it'll help me loosen up.
"I once had a roommate. She had been a good friend in high school, but I guess you don't know who a person truly is until you live with them. They don't watch their own back anymore. They settle and feel secure. As if they won't care how that person sees them anymore." I bit my lip. "In the first few days we got along and everything seemed fine. We brought a few friends over, not frequently of course, and we cleaned after everyone left. It all went smooth and good until she did—"
I pause and suddenly realize that he had already parked his car in front of his house. My lips tightened into a straight line and the words vanish as the thought settles in.
I'm at his house.
I'm actually doing this.
Did he got bored?
Will I bore him when he finds out?
"Go on."
I blink a few times and look at him.
"Finish your story," he says once I look at him confused.
"Right."
...as if you cared.
I clear my throat and this time I avoid the creepy details and speak without excitement.
"She did poor decisions that made me hate her. End of story." I smile nervously and get out of the car with nothing else to say.
It takes him a while before I hear his car door slam shut. He walks ahead of me and opens the door, letting me go inside before he did.
My eyes scanned everything and my jaw almost dropped at the elegance and simplicity of the place. It was obviously luxurious but not like I expected.
The colors were the same.
Black, white and brown colors.
It was all organized appropriately and beautifully.
Oh to have a place like this. By yourself.
"Before we do this I'll like to hear how do you want it."
"Excuse me?" I asked even though I was aware of what he meant.
My stomach twirled in fear.
"I just need to see your face when I fuck you. So where will you like it?" His hands went to his pant pockets and regarded me with eagerness. He tried to control himself of taking me right here. Yet he resisted and asked either way.
I licked my lips and finally said, "Your bed."
"Alright. As you please."
He turned around and signs the stairs.
I clench my jaw and went forward again to walk in front of him.
His steps felt confident, strong and quick. Mine were soft, and hesitant.
Took a lot of me when we finally made it to his room.
His nice room.
An massive bed with white sheets and a black headboard. The lights gave the comfy vibe and his fragrance screamed masculinity.
My eyes traced the bed looking for signs of other women's nails engraved in the headboard, and began wishing that I get to be the first woman in this bed.
Not in bed. But his bed.
Could that be too much?
My gaze fell on the color sheets. White.
Fucking white.
Now the blood will be visible. And spread everywhere.
I turned around and blushed when I saw where his eyes were.
My ass.
Oh God.
His eyes landed on my face and we exchanged a strange look. A new one for me.
Not the 'I hate you. Stop annoying me.' Nor, 'I want you but I can't have you.'
It went more like. 'Let's get this done. So we can move on from this. From our need and desire.'
But could we do it? Will this work? Or will I regret it for the rest of my life?
"Can you get me water?" I said in panic once he took a few steps towards me.
"Cause I'll get thirsty once we are done." I shyly smile, hiding my trembling hands behind my jean pockets.
"Of course." He nodded once and left me alone.
Once I heard his fading footsteps, without wasting more time, I took my clothes off, except for my underwear—a new one I bought yesterday just for this occasion— and got under the bed sheet covers.
Soft one's.
A gentle sensation I wished Luke could give me. But I know he is a dominant and aggressive man. And will take me as he has taken other women.
As animals.
As if he doesn't care taking his time traveling their bodies for their pleasure. Except for his.
I rose to a sitting position as I covered myself with the white sheets around my body when he came in and stopped half way to where I was.
My hair fell to my chest immediately as soon as we exchanged our strange looks. We remained silent for a while until I spoke.
"Hope you don't mind but I'll like to wear my bra on when we—"
I paused and disappointment crossed his face. I caught the emotion but then he realized and the cold face returned. Eliminating any trace of whatever feeling that wasn't worth of feeling for.
He closed the door and I squeezed the blanket tighter.
His eyes left mine when he walked towards the side bed table to place the glass of water there.
"Do you have a condom? Cause I brought and..."
"Don't worry I've got plenty," he simply said, stopping me at mid sentence.
Why can't I stop talking?!!
"Okay."
Suddenly he began taking his tie off, without breaking our eye contact.
I couldn't look away. Even though the nerves were eating me up.
He took his time. And evidently he enjoyed my hungry gaze. He wanted that and I willingly gave it to him.
His chest was beautiful. So strong and wide. My eyes traced his skin but landed on his tattoos. Especially the one in his left arm.
The one with the word 'Redamancy'
Suddenly his boxers were next. I wanted to avert my eyes but didn't. They spoke for themselves as I observed.
My thighs squeezed but then betrayed me with the shivering.
This was going to hurt as hell. And that size will definitely destroy me.
As soon as he stood completely naked in front of me, he tried to uncover me but I resisted.
"I want the covers."
His face prevailed cold and strange. I had to look away and lay down. A few seconds later, I felt how he lifted the covers slightly to get in top of me.
I let him do it.
And waited.
His scent invaded me and so did his warmth. The feeling made me feel...safe. And good.
But when I looked at him straight in the eyes, I couldn't recognize the man in front of me. Those blue eyes got darker and dangerous. As soon as his hand touched my waist, I froze.
It felt wrong.
I didn't feel safe.
Neither loved.
His touch felt too odd. Way too comparable. It didn't made me feel special nor beautiful.
My eyes blurred and I looked away, blinking all tears away as I waited for the worst pain to come.
I felt the tip on my entrance and I backed a sob. Squeezing my eyes I waited.
But nothing more came.
The worst thing wasn't the waiting. But his sharp breath near my neck and the tears that were falling on my cheeks.
You got so low Lenna. Way too low.
"Stop," I whispered in a trembling voice. "Get off of me," I continued. But spoke way too low for what I intended.
Please. Stop.
"Lenna?"
I remain silent, squeezing my eyes tighter.
"Look at me," he plead in a soft voice that made me surprisingly do it.
My eyes were probably too damn red cause his eyes widened at the realiztion.
He looked at me, searching for something that I wasn't aware of.
"I'm sorry." He straightened up and got out of bed in a hurry. "I shouldn't have...insisted on this."
"I—"
"When I said that I wanted you to fear me I didn't meant it this way. I was—fuck I'm an asshole." He ran a hand through his jawline and then faced me again.
"Why are you crying?"
I was left speechless. I was crying. And speaking with a trembling voice will only make this worse.
He walked towards me, his face filled with worry and shame of himself.
Or maybe it was towards me.
I didn't want his pity. Neither his remorse. It was my decision too.
Grabbing the sheets, I crawled to the other side and straightened.
"Isn't it normal to have nerves on your first time," I laughed with a shaky voice.
"First time?" He said in disbelief as I began dress in a rush.
Grabbing my purse and jacket I slid outside the room. My tears took over me and I couldn't bare the regret.
Relief debated cause at least I was leaving. And still as a virgin. But not like his Lenna, or employee.
But as a ridiculous girl he met.
I couldn't actually care less what he felt. But it worried me what he'll do next with me.
He promised he wasn't going to fire me. Neither to tell this.
But people tended to break their promises. People always end up lying.
And he might. I don't know him that much to be sure that he wasn't going to. But I just hoped.
That's all I had left.
I ran towards the front door but suddenly he blocked my way. This time he wore pants and nothing more.
"Lenna."
"Excuse me Mr. Huxley." I try to move. "I need to leave...uh I want to leave."
"Sorry the deal is over," I continued but he interrupted.
"You said you slept with men that loved you. And I was an exception." He clenches his jaw. "My point is, why did you committed to this?"
"Why?!" I outcry.
I don't know Luke. I wanted you to be the first. It was fun. The teasing. The tension. The desire.
You made me feel wanted. Special.
The words never left my mouth. Instead I chose the other version.
"You kept bothering me! And...due to my pride I lied." I pushed him and this time he let me. "I lied."
"Why didn't you tell me?!
"I don't know Luke."
I faced the guards and they began opening the gates once the man behind me approved.
"It doesn't matter now." I turned around and faced him. "I...I don't know why I agreed to this but from now on, I'll focus on my own damn business. Stay away from me. You're my boss, nothing more."
"Fine. Have a good night, Ms. Salinger." He paused. "I apologize. This will not be discussed again."
His face returned to the cold man he was. The reaction made it harsher.
I knew now that he needed to mask his emotions in front of others. And I bet these men will think I was another whore going back home.
Maybe they'll supposed I didn't please me enough, and he was tossing me away.
"Fine. Good night, Mr. Huxley." I whispered.
With nothing else to say I left. The men looked away when I passed by and silence dominated my shameful walk.
My thought took over and I promised to myself that no matter how good looking a man was. He wasn't going to get the privilege of touching me if I didn't like him back. Or deserved to.
Luke was the first to make me care less of those things. But now I realized I was wrong.
They do matter.
But no one has it coming
I won't let you touch me again. Luke.
Not until you deserve to.