Redamancy

Lenna's POV. 8

Lenna

        I used to believe that being single all my life meant no one wanted me.
The guys I liked never liked me back and that's when I questioned my own grace.
What did the other girls at school had that I didn't?
For sure they were curvier, sociable, and flirtatious. Nothing new.
Maybe cause most girls didn't have any problem hooking up with different guys. Or making out with them without any sort of attachment or knowledge of who they were.
Maybe boys liked the adventurous ones. The easy ones.
That's when being yourself is not enough as pretending you're someone else.
Or that's what the other girls did, except for me and few of my friends.
As years of maturity took over me I began to realize those same girls only see their worth or feel validated when they are in a relationship.
They go from boy to boy because they don't know who they are outside of that relationship. They just want to go with the trend. Be like their friends with older boyfriends to prove how prominent they are.
Those same girls settled miserable relationships, lowering their standards cause they feard to be seen alone. Or not being invited for that same reason and ending up cheating on their own partner for approval of other males.
But that's when others noticed, questioning how was I able to look at it that way at such young age.
Well, first I was thankful enough those guys rejected me cause I realized I didn't need to lose my time with a guy who won't return or match my same energy.
Secondly, my friend's influence and high expectations of men. Not guys.
And to whom did I compare those guys? To fictional men of course.
The same ones in books. The same ones in movies. The same ones in dreams.
The same ones that made me crave for true love and not one of those single moments where I feel used by men.
Which comes to my last reason: I'm too emotional.
I realized I wanted to be loved, not borrowed, and get handed over to the next guy.
I realized I wanted to be admired, not discouraged for my own abilities.
I realized I wanted to be protected, not amused by how reserved I am.
I realized I wanted to be respected, not criticized by my morals or ideals.
I realized I wanted more than just lust, liking, or desire. I realized I wanted a partner that would be my equal. Could give the same things I would give to him.
I wanted more than just immature guys that haven't even understand what love is cause they don't care anymore.
It's useless and unnecessary for most people. But not to me.
I wish Luke could see that.
That I'm a woman that craves to be loved. But fears to have a taste of what can be mistaken for love, and surrender to something that she might regret later on.
And being seen and noticed like that for the first time is fooling me. It makes me naïve of what his intentions might bring me.
Not only pleasure but an obsession. An attachment perhaps.
"I can't believe he paid for our dinner!" Dave exclaimed in a cheerful tone that almost made me smile if it wasn't for the scene we had in the bathroom that has gotten me unsettled.
        "He just wants something in return, " I say in a disgusted fake tone, cause deeply I'm wanting it too.
       "I wonder what that would be..." Dave smirks as we turn around the corner and get to the small kitchen where all my coworkers gather at lunch.
    Gladly the place is empty at night so, without further disruption, I grab a water bottle and take a long gulp from it. Clearing the knot on my throat from avoiding saying how I can't give my own virginity to my boss. A complete stranger with whom I have no feelings for except for affection. Pleasure?  
        "Changing off-topic, I need your help in something." He pouts and comes closer with begging eyes, making me look at him with curiosity of what exactly might he need help for.
     I tilt an eyebrow.
        "My cousin needs help selling a few music band t-shirts for her middle school charity event and I was wondering—" He comes closer. "If you could come and help me sell them on Saturday afternoon." He smiles. "She fell sick from the stomach two days ago so, my uncle asked for my help but—"
        "But?" I ask as I cross my arms.
        "I have a date that day."
     My jaw drops and then it turns into a smile. "With who?"
          "Oh just a guy I met at the movies." He shrugs and fixes his hair femininely. "An attractive guy, " he corrects himself. "So, I'm begging you to please—" He places his hands together like a prayer. "Please help me with this."
         I remain silent with a wide smile on my face as he continues to beg. "Of course I'll do it, Dave. Why wouldn't I?"
       "Oh thank God!" He runs towards me and holds me for a tight hug. "I owe you one!"
      He finally takes distance and we make our way to our office to pick our things and leave until I call on Dave and make him go ahead of me to call for a cab meanwhile, I send the last email of the day.
      I take around five minutes to send it and put everything away. Closing my door, I walk towards the elevator by myself but my steps halt when I see the doors open and see Luke standing in the middle with a grey suit, and a beautiful drowsy face that lights up when he sees me.
      My body tenses when I finally walk inside and touch his arm accidentally when I take place beside him. The minute the doors close he turns his stare towards me, and that's when I instantly shake my head as a way to answer the unsaid question in his head.
        "So it's a no then?" He finally asks with a lower tone that makes my body shiver. "Are you sure, Lenna?" He asks in a worried yet manipulative tone.
        "I don't sleep with men I don't love."
     Silence fills the room until he speaks again with serenity.
        "Is that so?"
     I furrow my eyebrows and finally look at him defiantly.
        "Where are those men you 'love' " He lifts his two fingers mimicking as if what I'm saying it's not true. "—Then?"
        "That's none of your business." I smile at him and look away, my hand turning into a tight grip from one side.
He knows I'm lying. The smirk and self assurance in his face shows it.
         "You don't need to love me. You can just close your eyes and pretend I'm someone else. Someone you love," he insists.
      My eyes widen at his persuasion. "You want me to pretend?" This time I turn around to face him in shock. "I've got a better idea."
     I take a step closer and his attention is all on me.
         "Why don't go and look for a whore that looks exactly like me, and then you fuck her. Just pretend it's me." I smile but that's when he smirks and begins to walk closer, making me take a step back until I hit the metal wall.
       "You think I haven't done that already?"
    I suck harsh breath at his honesty and easiness of confessing that to me. His eyes darkened and my breathing changes as soon as he gets closer.
        "Wasn't it enough?" I say nervously.
     He shakes his head and I clench my jaw.
         "Wasn't it better to have someone curvier and more to offer than I would?"
     His eyes travel every inch of my body until they finally end where they started.
         "They all look fake to me." He smirks and pauses. "And I've grown tired of them looking at me with desire and fervor meanwhile, you—"
       I finally hit my back with the metal wall and he follows. "You look at me with fear." He tilts his head in a way that he might lean for a kiss. "You're scared of me. Why?"
"I'm not scared of you."
I'm scared of myself. Of what I could do.
"Then why do you keep running away from me, Lenna?" He furrows his eyebrows and as soon as the doors open I glance at them with the need of pushing him away and run before my desire of wanting to kiss him increases.
"It's fun." I shrug, finally glancing at him. "Why do you keep chasing me, Luke?"
He smiles as I do.
"I need a reasonable answer."
"I need a reasonable purpose."
He rolls his eyes as the doors close and we remain still as we hear each others breathing.
"I want to fuck you because..." He struggles with himself to spill it out until he finally does. "You are distracting me."
"How am I distracting you?" I ask confused, cutting him off.
He clenches his jaw and grabs the elevator handrail behind me and lowers himself to my gaze.
"You distract me in so many ways," He confesses in murmur. He wants to say more but his next words touch way too deep that I know I won't forget.
"If I get to have you just once...If—" he pauses. "If you give me what you have and I take what I need, It will be easier to forget you."
My heart breaks into pieces even though he's nothing to me neither I'm to him.
How can you like someone who you have nothing to do with?
Why did those words hurt so much?
I don't even know him. Well, not that much to make me feel something!
"I just need to burn down my intention. Turn off what you leave to my imagination. And ignore my interest and temptation for you." He comes closer until his forehead rests in mine, making me raise my hand to place it in his chest to avoid him to come closer like I did last time. But this time I take a grip on his shirt, showing off how upset yet hopeful I was.
"You're distracting me from my duty. I need to be more centered and focused on things that really matter."
I held my breath after all his blaming on me and focused on my own thoughts.
Things that really matter?! Am I not seen with value? Significance?
He wants to take the only thing that it's meant for the person I love? He wants to take away a part of me that won't actually mean anything to him?
But what if it holds significance I give it to him? What if it truly means something to me?
Would I feel used? Consumed from the experience? Would it mark me? Would it affect me?
"Please. I'll do anything just to keep you out of my head."
I blink away the pain and finally look at him straight in the eyes. "What if it doesn't work?"
"What if it only get's worse? Would you fire me? Just so you don't get to see my face again so, you can get yourself together?"
"I promise it will work," he admits with confidence. "And if it doesn't I promise I won't fire you. I'm not that insane."
We remain silent until he finally backs away and gives me some distance to process what he just said.
Why am I even thinking about it? I should say no.
I should have said no straight away! But no, here I am asking what would happen if I do it. Cause I want to do it.
I need to run away from this man now!
I click on the button on my right side and the doors open in a matter of seconds. I get outside first and he follows.
I swallow harshly as soon as I see Dave outside, waiting alone, with concern on his face.
"Sorry I had to catch up with a few things, " I say from behind.
He turns around and sighs in relief as soon as he sees me. But straightens when he sees Luke.
"Where's the cab you called?" I quickly ask, needing to be at home and away from this man near me.
"Don't worry. The cab came but you took too long so, he left."
"Why didn't you take it?" I cross my arms as he shakes his head as a no.
"I wasn't going to leave you by yourself, " he assures making me smile gratefully. "Right now I was going to call another cab but I waited for you to avoid another one leaving."
"I'll give you a ride. It's too late and—"
"No thanks we'll—" I began but I get interrupted by Dave blurting a yes.
"I don't mind a free ride, " he assures, giving me a flirty and a warning look that clearly says it's a better a free ride than paying $20 to get home.
Luke gives a firm nod and eventually takes us on his black luxurious car, Dave sitting in the backseat and me on the front seat, of course.
The whole ride we remain in silence, 'Dark Red' echoing and Luke glancing at me a few times meanwhile, I hugged my purse and looked at the window only.
"How have you been doing, Dave? Did your dad got better from the leg surgery?" Luke finally asked, making Dave gasp.
       "It went great!"
   Dave continued to talk about how the process and recovery went meanwhile I asked myself, if he really cared or just pretended to care.
         Just like he pretends to care that I get safe at home instead of caring how it makes me feel that he only wants to use me for sex for an absurd reason.
Maybe he's just used to women saying yes immediately to him and have no strings attached. He looks at it as if it is meaningless.
     That having sex is not that serious. When it is to me.
      What if I told him that I'm a virgin? Would he let pass the idea or get fascinated by that? Or he would simply not care. 
       The thoughts intrigue me that I don't realize when we arrived at Dave's home and that he's thanking already Luke for the favor.
         "See you tomorrow!" I say blowing a kiss to him and him returning it back with a wink that makes me almost roll my eyes.
     It's not fun to joke anymore with Dave about my attraction to Luke when I got turned off by his words.
I want to tell him about what happened but if I do, and eventually decide to sleep with him after what he told me, Dave will probably judge me and said I did wrong.
      I should just let it be private, right?
      Or easily just not sleep with him...
   We remain in the driveway parked until Dave gets inside. As soon as he is out of our sight, Luke begins to drive and tension fills the air between us.

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