Outrun The World

Chapter 15

The path leading to the Big House was slippery with mud and Mo Guan Shan's slippers kept on getting stuck; it took him much longer just to navigate himself along the way. He made a mental note to wear his rubber boots the next time it rains like that.

While making sure he gets a good footing with each step, he thought about He Tian and whether he would get mad at him when they finally saw each other. They would be alone in the house, only the two of them and He Tian might even hate him despite the worry he had shown everybody while he was gone.

What if he was only pretending? Would he end up physically hurting him? He could take a beating if it comes down to it. What's scary was the fact that he has nowhere to go and he literally has nothing, not even his own clothes. How could he go back home to his mother if He Tian ends up being an abusive person?

What's terrifying is the thought of living with fear towards a person who should have been your pillar of support. If he can't trust He Tian, what will be left for him to hold on to?

"No, no, no! Fuck no! Why are you thinking like that?!" he muttered and gave himself a good smack on the head. He should stop thinking. Stop using his brain. This organ hated him so much that it's whispering bad things about other people, as if pitting him against the world. Since when have they been so compatible for this brain to tell him good praises? Never in his entire life.

He knows that. He's aware of his own mind. But he can't seem to reign it in once it fully takes over, just like what happened last night.

Will He Tian be able to live with that? Will he be able to keep his patience with him?

"Ugh. . ." he groaned.

"Lakaw sa balili," a little boy's voice said right behind him. Mo Guan Shan quickly whipped his head around to see who spoke.

"H-ha?" he said. He knew that these people use this to ask another person to repeat himself or to elaborate. Literally just a "what?".

The little kid who looked like he's only six years old, wearing a pair of slippers way bigger than his own feet, pointed at the green carabao grass next to the dirt path. He's carrying a brown coconut on one hand and looking up at him with a shy smile on his face.

"Lakaw sa balili," he repeated and giggled, as if Mo Guan Shan's puzzled expression amused him too much. The boy then stepped on the dirt path and looked at him before stepping back into the grass. He did his little demonstration twice without looking away from him.

"Ah. . .ooooh!" Mo Guan Shan smiled and did the same. The boy giggled and picked up another fallen coconut before going away. Gently shaking his head, he walked faster along the grass this time.

Of course. He has been avoiding the lush, green grass out of habit and forgot that in that place, it doesn't matter if you step on those grass. These tough weeds don't need maintenance and animals could even munch on it for the whole day and they'd be back the next day.

When he arrived, he went straight at the back, in the laundry area where the faucet was installed and carefully brushed his muddy feet. Then he turned the doorknob, he found the back door unlocked so he made his way to the kitchen to place the basket of food on the table.

"He Tian?" he called in a soft voice and caught sight of an open bottle of whiskey on the kitchen counter. Last time he saw that particular bottle, it's still sealed. Now more than half is gone.

He bit his lip as his heart bumped so hard inside his chest. He hated that kind of dread but he's afraid of drunk people more than rabid dogs.

But it's just He Tian, he convinced himself.

"He Tian?" he called again. There was still no answer so he made his way into the bedroom and quietly opened the door to find He Tian sleeping on the bed, snoring lightly. He looked restless but at least he's buried under a thick comforter that he might have prepared for this kind of weather. It wasn't there when he left.

Mo Guan Shan sat on the bed and lightly brushed a fingertip on He Tian's cheek. He could smell alcohol in his breath but He Tian doesn't look murderous so at least he was safe for the time being.

"He Tian," he whispered. "I'm home."

"Huh?" He Tian groaned and he only opened his eyes slightly and smiled a drunk guy's smile. "You are so. . . so pretty," He Tian murmured before closing his eyes again.

Mo Guan Shan was utterly defeated. He was at loss for words as he stared at He Tian's sleeping face, trying to digest what he just told him. He expected to be slapped with angry words and enraged accusations. He expected He Tian to look at him like he's such a big drag who doesn't deserve humane treatment, like he's worse than an animal.

"I didn't mean to make you worry," he said, his voice breaking.

He held back a sob and leaned down to kiss He Tian on the forehead before burying his face on the guy's soft, black hair. If this guy truly loves him just like what Auntie Daniella said, how could he compete with that? He can't even love himself, so how could he return such feelings for them to be even?

He Tian raised an arm, pressed his palm on Mo Guan Shan's nape and he let him pull his head close until he fell down to his side, tightly wrapped inside his arm. Mo Guan Shan can help but chuckle between uncontrollable sobs as he carefully lifts the comforter so he can snuggle inside next to He Tian.

After all, he only has his body.

"Don't move too much, I'm gonna puke," He Tian complained without opening his eyes. His bed was too soft; it basically jiggled with every move. A bad purchase, but what's done is done.

"I'll go get changed first," Mo Guan Shan said but He Tian pulled him closer until his face was tightly pressed on his naked chest. And then He Tian moved his head lower so they could look at each other eye to eye.

"I missed you. I am so sorry for hurting you, Little Mo. Don't do that again. Don't leave me," He Tian whispered as he trailed tiny kisses on Mo Guan Shan's face. "I missed you like crazy. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"You didn't hurt me," Mo Guan Shan answered. His hand found its way on He Tian's face and he gently rubbed the man's cheek with his thumb. He Tian tilted his face to kiss that thumb and opened his eyes to stare at him again, as if he's trying to confirm whether he's really present.

He's the one who should be apologizing and he's the one who should be terrified to lose He Tian. It's not fair. He doesn't deserve any of this but he's getting drunk with all of it.

It's him who should be clinging to He Tian like his life depended on it because realistically speaking, it really does.

He saved him when nobody ever wanted to have anything to do with him.

He Tian kissed him lightly on the lips and pressed his lips on his forehead before pulling him closer again until he was gasping for breath. It was extremely uncomfortable but strangely, he wouldn't want He Tian to let go. If he could just let this man absorb him whole, he would gladly do so.

It was a fucking long night, but he's home now.

***

Note:

If y'all read Cucummato, you'd probably notice that I suck at replicating the wonderful cliché confrontation moments that makes a scene so heart-wrenching. So I deeply apologize. Haha. I'll compensate for it in the future while I continue to learn how to properly make a comeback scene so worth the wait.

Lakaw sa balili - "Walk on the grass." in Visayan language.