Adrenaline

01 | lights out

Stepping onto the stage with a crowd of screaming people staring back at me always feels like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, watching my life flash right before my eyes.

        It starts slowly—a deep breath before the plunge, a total absence of sound before it all comes crashing back, an empty cavity inside my chest that fills with the erratic beating of my heart.

        Under those lights, after those initial feelings of pure terror, I feel alive.

        There's a moment before the final chorus where the music stops and silence canvases the entire arena. I look at my bandmates as the lights begin to dim, and the five of us collectively take a breath before our final march to the ends of the earth. In unison, we count—

        And then we fall together.

        After my voice fades out, all of my senses dim into nothing. It isn't until we're backstage that I feel human again.

        Seira jumps onto the counter and swipes a towel against her forehead. "Nothing like the final note of a triple header, huh?"

        I drop down onto the sofa between Jun and Rami while Lauren takes the armchair on the right of us.

        "I could drop dead right now and be perfectly content."

        Jun nudges my side with his elbow and points at the water bottle on the table. I lean over Rami to grab it, handing it off to Jun and watching him guzzle it at record speed.

        Lauren gathers her braids into a bun and lets them fall over the back of the chair as she slumps down into the cushions. "The entire show, all I could think about was how I know this spot on my chin is gonna turn into a fat pimple by tomorrow morning."

        She points at a small red bump on her chin. If she hadn't pointed it out, I wouldn't have noticed.

        "I'm sure they'd all love to know that," Jun remarks. "Thank you so much for coming out to see us, but Lauren here is worried about a pimple. See you in the next city!"

        Lauren grabs a striped throw pillow and takes aim and Jun narrowly dodges it as it flies through the air, whizzing a hair's width above his head.

        He looks at the pillow, then back at her. "You're picking that up, you know."

        "Like hell I am."

        Rami, who's been dozing off with his face covered by a towel, peeks out from underneath it. The charms on his friendship bracelet catch in the light.

        "Are you down for a party?" he asks, letting his head roll over to the side.

        The obvious answer is no. Most of the time, as soon as the show ends, I'm ready to shut off from the rest of the world. Performing takes a toll on me physically and is emotionally exhausting. I usually don't have any juice left in me to be social.

        But Seira, our resident party girl, looks like she's got a few hours left on her, and when she's up for more, she'll drag everyone else down with her.

        I swipe at the sweat beading up along the back of my neck. "Sure, why not."

        Before our drummer can let everyone else know about our plans for after we leave the venue, our manager Marty barges into the room with his nose buried in his phone.

        "Great job, everyone."

        "Thank you, Marty. Your enthusiasm is inspiring."

        He gives me a flat look. "You're not the only one who worked this weekend."