The shoe exchange

Bri

It's been two days since I told the guys about the horrible life I had to live a little over three years ago. There's good parts I want to hang on to, those small moments that gave me hope. They weren't often, but I did appreciate those times and I appreciate them now more than ever. Because without them, I know with my whole being, that I wouldn't be here today.

Every morning when I woke up, I  faced fear. I would dread opening my eyes. Most nights I didn't sleep, but when I did, I would dream I was in happy places only to wake up in a nightmare. The cold sweat, body shakes, and screams only happened when I was awake.

Surprisingly.

I was afraid of sleep, afraid of the monsters in my closet and under my bed because I knew they were real. My eyes would be so heavy and my body so weak. I had no choice but to go to sleep and in those moments the boogeyman never came.

After everyone was gone and we talked for a little while longer, Alexander reluctantly took me home early the next morning. He didn't want me to leave, but I didn't want to overstay my welcome. I was surprised I won that argument. He didn't want me to leave after what had just went down, but I knew I needed to be in my own space. Little did I know it was the worst idea I could've had.

I've been working a lot, like a whole lot. Taking on more hours, as many as I possibly can. I want to stay out of my apartment and out of my head. I hate being in both places. As soon as I close my eyes nightmares happen, and I just can't be alone in that apartment right now.

My mind keeps wandering back to that horror house. I'm standing in the kitchen with the knife in my hand. I'm facing him and the look on his face would put the devil himself to shame. It's funny how life works out sometimes, I was living with my demons then and even years later they're still here with me. Terrorizing me in some way or another.

My demon's name just happens to be Tyler Harris.

His face haunts me every single day, but especially in the dark, quiet moments. That's why I haven't slept in almost forty eight hours.

Tyler's hell was hotter than mine and when you're standing in the heat for so long, it starts to do things to you. Sure, the flames will burn you, we all know that, we see that. But, no one notices the damage the smoke has done on the inside.

Sometimes, when you're consumed by fire, you can't help but burn anyone and everything who gets in your way. We tend to project pain when pain is all we know. How can we help anyone when our own hearts are piles of ash? 

But, every once in a while, you'll come across someone. Someone who is willing to stand in the soot and breathe life back into the parts of you, that you thought would never come alive again.

And for me, that's Alexander Reed.

If living in Tyler's hell is what brought me to Alexander, than I would gladly be burned by that devil over and over again.

I don't blame Tyler, he was just a kid himself. He never deserved what happened to him.

But, neither did I.

That's why I chose never to hurt anyone just because I was hurt. I know what real pain feels like, my scars are daily reminders. If I want to leave my mark on someone, I want it to be in a good way.

I don't want anyone to say that they were burned by me. That I hurt them and I cause them pain. That I cause their nightmares even when their eyes are wide open. I never want to haunt someone's mind that they have to work themselves tirelessly, just to keep unwanted thoughts away.

I woke up extra early because I had a morning shift at the diner today. It's too early for me to go to A bowl a day and I would've picked up a double at the diner, but Richard is fully staffed today. Plus, its pretty slow and extra hands aren't really needed.