Beyond Redemption

Chapter Ten

"I'll pick up the pieces if you come undone." - Hold on by Justin Bieber.

Phoenix POV

Have you ever felt like you were losing your mind? Like your control was slowly slipping through the threads of your fingers and you couldn't do anything but watch as it disappeared before your eyes?

Like the only thing your agitated mind could focus on was the deafeningly loud vibration of blood pounding against your ear drums while the constant shaking of your hands spiralled out of control?

Have you ever just wanted a small puff of oxygen but you just couldn't seem to open your goddamn mouth and let the air in, feeling as though someone was suffocating you?

Like the racing heartbeat, the blurred vision, dizziness and sweating was simply too much, creating this desperate need within your mind and body to just turn everything off?

Everything seems to be in full force yet the only thing you're able to do is sit motionless, feeling helpless and weak?

For some, panic attacks are a fraction of what I described. For others, like me, it may be worse.

And trust me when I say that it doesn't feel like a bed of roses.

Growing up with the mother God so gracefully blessed me with, I have experienced a lot of pain and suffering in my life. So breakdowns along with many other things were not new to me.

But as I got older, new things started occupying my mind and I found several coping mechanisms, some I now regret but that's a story for another day.

Even now, it's still an ongoing struggle, in spite of my mother's absence but I try to deal with it in various different ways.

What I'm trying to say is seeing Scarlet crippled in pain and overcome by emotion in the hallway, gave rise to a burning ache in my chest. It bothered me way more than I care to admit.

For the first time ever, I sympathized with someone. I felt what she felt, a part of me hurt with her.  I understood exactly what she was going through.

For a split second, I didn't see her as a mindless fuck but rather someone who needed my help.

So I did what I would have wanted someone to do when I was going through my series of breakdowns. In fact, I think I did a pretty good job.

After she got settled and I looked into her eyes. I saw pain, innocence, suffering, uncertainty, struggle. I saw so many similarities between us but yet so many differences.

However upon seeing the pool of emotions stirring within those beautiful orbs, I was quickly reminded of what I was here to do.

I wasn't here to figure her out or be her friend.

I was here to fuck her then leave. It's harsh, I know but I have nothing else to offer. And even if I did, would I be willing to give her? Would I be enough?

Scarlet seemed like one of those chicks who had their life planned out and wanted a relationship and shit like that. She wasn't one of those girls who only cared things like sex and one night stands. That was my disadvantage.

However I saw the look on her face today in the classroom and whether she cared to admit it or not, she found an interest in me.

From the way she leaned so effortlessly into my touch. To the way her body reacted beneath my hands, her skin erupting in goosebumps.

Inches.

Mere inches. That was how far away her mouth was from mine. I practically felt the heat radiating from her hot breath, stimulating every part of me.