The Lili Hummel Diaries

September 12th, 2021

TW // Rape, Abuse, Mention of suicide, Hold On by Chord Overstreet (ik songs can trigger people)

I had brought Quinn down to my room because I knew dad would be home soon and I knew that he wouldn't want to see Quinn like this. I knew that she was going through some things mentally and that she needed me as much as I needed her. I never spoke up or truly told her about what happened to me, she just learned. But she chose to come to me, her ex, and tell me everything.

"I'm going to go get you something to eat, you stay here, okay?" I could tell the vibe had changed between us since the auditorium,

"Can you stay please?" She started to cry again, and impulsively I sat down next to her, brushing the hair out of her face and gently kissing her lips. It was a selfish move but felt the spark between us relight. Quinn wrapped her arms around me before quickly pulling her lips away from mine. I hugged Quinn and let myself cry for the first time since the breakup. Quinn's soft voice broke through the silence,

"Thank you." She noticed I was crying and pressed her lips to mine,

"Hey, why are you crying? I'm right here." I wiped the tears from my face,

"I just realized I could've lost you." Quinn hugged me,

"You did for like a half-hour. I tried to take my life a few weeks after I broke up with you." I held Quinn,

"I love you, and I don't want to lose you ever again."

-time jump to the next day-

Quinn had filled me in on what happened to her in more detail, and I wrote a song because my head was swimming with thoughts.

"Finn, is it okay if I sing a song I wrote last night?" It was from my POV had I been there when Quinn tried.

"Yeah of course Lili." I sat down on a stool and began playing on guitar,

"Loving and fighting, accusing, denying

I can't imagine a world with you gone
The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of
I'd be so lost if you left me alone"  Quinn noticed that I was looking at her,

"You locked yourself in the bathroom

Lying on the floor when I breakthrough
I pull you in to feel your heartbeat
Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me"  I was getting emotional but I pushed through knowing that if I didn't finish this song, no one would ever hear it,

"Hold on, I still want you

Come back, I still need you
Let me take your hand, I'll make it right
I swear to love you all my life
Hold on, I still need you"  I was crying but still managing to sound pretty okay,

"Long endless highway, you're silent beside me

Driving a nightmare I can't escape from
Helplessly praying, the light isn't fading
Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones"  This next part was what killed me emotionally,

"They took you away on a table

I pace back and forth as you lay still
They pull you in to feel your heartbeat
Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me"  It became such a fine line to having a flashback, but I didn't care,

"Hold on, I still want you

Come back, I still need you
Let me take your hand, I'll make it right
I swear to love you all my life
Hold on, I still need you"  I could feel the bad thoughts coming back and I tried to push through,

"I don't wanna let go

I know I'm not that strong
I just wanna hear you
Saying, "Baby, let's go home"
Let's go home
Yeah, I just wanna take you home

Hold on, I still want you

Come back, I still need you"

A/N: okay i physically cant write anymore. i love you quinn i hope you know that, I'm so sorry for the shit I'm putting you through in this <3. go drink some water or bleach your eyes whatever you wanna do.

-jay