MOONDUST

60 🌙 Pretending

Luna Larsson

I hurt him!

I need to tell him!

I take all of it back, everything I said.

You're not a waste of time Jules.

If anything you are my time!

I don't want you to leave me alone.

I want to be held. By you, the most.

I'm not fine.

I'm definitely not fine.

But I'm good at pretending.

The past two weeks the reality of it all had creeped up on me. I was happy, so goddamn happy, but how long was it going to last until happiness was just a mere memory of the good old days?

I was an idiot for thinking skating my frustrations away was a good idea. It only made me angry, and eventually I took it out on him.

I called him. Once, twice, three times before class. Once more during the break and maybe five times on my way to my car. But nothing. He didn't answer. I kept thinking he might have gone to my place after practice, since he had been there every day since we went to see his parents.

I stormed into my apartment, and I was beyond relieved to see him sitting on the couch. Then confused as his elbows were resting on his knees, his hands desperately tugging at his roots. Then mortified when I saw a red metal box on the coffee table, all of my letters on display.

My letters.

My eyes raked over one letter specifically. His letter, which was folded open and wrinkled in front of him on the coffee table.

My bag slipped from my shoulder as they slumped, hanging low, my heartbeat making me dizzy and the air around me... Well, what air?

My letters.

He read my letters.

He read his letter.

He looked up the minute my bag thudded loudly onto the floor, his bloodshot eyes looking up at mine, telling me exactly how wrecked he was, without a single word spoken. There were a lot of words in that letter. Too many. And I wished none of them were true.

He knows.

He didn't look away. He wanted me to see the hurt, the pain, the loss in them and I looked until I couldn't anymore, taking my eyes away from his and letting them fall back onto my letters.

"Sophia f-f-found them when she was l-looking for some stupid textbook you and her share." He said, his tone cold, like it had nothing left to give.

She wasn't supposed to find them yet.

I didn't know what to feel, mad or relieved, but right now I was mostly numb. I couldn't say a single word, not when I couldn't even breathe, not when my worst nightmare had come true. I had hurt everyone around me, every single person who I addressed a letter to. My mom, my dad, Jules, Sophia, Grace... Even Levi and Ezra.

"She went to Ezra's, she couldn't be here anymore. She's a mess Luna. A fucking mess after reading her letter!" My eyes kept looking at the half-scrunched letter in front of him until he grabbed it. I looked back up at the his gaze, dark, tortured, tormented and broken. His soul was lost before mine was, and I was never going to forgive myself for it. "I h-h-have been staring at this f-f-for the last ten minutes!" He raised his voice, tears threatening behind his eyes. His tone wasn't music, his voice pure despair. "I have r-r-read it over and over until I couldn't s-s-see through my tears, Luna!" He cried, scrunching the letter into a ball before throwing it at me. The paper hit my chest and I didn't even flinch. I just stood there, frozen solid as the walls closed in on me. "Tell me it isn't true! Tell me that fucking letter is one big lie!" His hand went through his hair, tugging at it in frustration while the sound of my heart splintering into a million pieces was deafening. All I saw was his lips move as he yelled at me and the pain in his eyes begged me to speak.