25 || In Denial

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Vulnerable

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Vulnerable.

Capable of being wounded or hurt.

How did I get here?

Two nights ago I kissed Nick. And when I did, I felt something I have never felt before.

Passion, mixed with need and droplets of intense affection.

Zayn. Somehow he keeps doing this to us. The first time I felt something with Nick, it was at a bar too, where his LIKE I WOULD played. Two nights ago, it was fOoL fOr YoU. Every word in that damn song was written in Nick's eyes. I could see it. You know the craziest part of all this? I was nervous. It was like I was Lily all over again. That small, fragile, scared, asthma girl. He makes me feel like Lily, and I can't understand why.

I was in Canada for two weeks and I couldn't visit my mom at the gravesite as usual. I remember Nick asking if he could book a last minute flight for me to see her. If only he knew how bad things were before she passed, how she resented me after Rose's death, how she treated me like a ghost. It's funny really. This were okay between us at first, we talked about everything, but as time went on, her real self was revealed. I remember what it was like, finding out from Dad that Mom didn't want twins. You know what stings the most? Today is her death anniversary.

"I don't hate you Lily, I just love your sister more," I remember Mom saying one night I pretended to be asleep. That hurt like hell.

I miss my mom. I really do. I don't resent her as I should have. I'm here because I wish she loved me, I'm here because she can't hate me in her death. Sometimes I feel I made her this way, sometimes I feel that Mom would be a good person if I hadn't been born. Did I go to therapy after all this? Yes. But I couldn't say anything to anyone, and I gave up after three sessions.

I'm at the gravesite, a couple of meters away from my mother when I see someone that halts my steps.

Doctor Ava Stones.

Nick's mother.

What the hell?

It's even worse because she has white roses in her hands, and she kneeling at my mother's grave. Her eyes are cloudy, lost and deep in thought. Back at the Celebration dinner, she mentioned something about a best friend, Jessica. I thought about it for a while, about Jessica being my mom's name, but I shoved it down. But seeing Ava here brings a shit ton of questions. Her teary eyes give away everything, she knew my mother.

Ava Stones stands to her feet, dropping the flowers and cleaning her eyes. I'm about to dash away but our eyes meet. There's no way I'm walking out of this. I walk towards her, and we share a heated silence.

"Who did you lose?" I find myself asking.

"My best friend, it's been years and now is the first time I'm coming to see her," Her eyes are heavy with tears when our eyes meet again. "I'm a bad friend,"

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