30 || I Messed Up, So Damn Much

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TW - Panic Attacks

My phone keeps beeping

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My phone keeps beeping. It's probably texts from Aaron because I sent him home earlier.

Brittany is Lily.

And I just did the most foolish and careless thing on the planet.

And I don't know if she's ever going to want to look at me again.

Never thought I'll be saying this but,

I feel so fucked up.

"I've never seen you like that you know?" Genevieve invades my thoughts, making her presence known. "Fucking with anger," She sighs. "I guess I might see some of that tonight," she purrs at the same time I pull over on the side of the road.

"Get out," I grind my teeth. "What you did out there, you had no fucking right,"

"Slow down, home boy, I'm not the bitch whose been lying to you for months--"

"Don't fucking talk about her like that!" I yell.

"She's been lying--"

"And that's my problem to deal with, you just showed up what? Two seconds ago? now get the fuck out of my car!" I yell again.

"You're swearing, she really did a number on you, huh?"

"Get out, I don't want to see you again, go back to whatever shell you came out from, infact, I don't really fucking care where you go, just fucking leave!" I yell more, hoping she'd get the hint.

"Wow, okay, I'mma leave," she sighs. "But I'm just a call away," she gets out a paper, and I look away as she scribbles her digits on it, leaves it on the passenger's seat before she finally leaves me to deal with my own demons myself.

The moment she's out of sight, I squeeze the paper and toss it out of my car. My phone rings and I finally muster the courage to look at the caller ID.

BESTIE

I answer the call and I'm silent for a couple of seconds, hoping Liz would understand. But the words that come out of me, leave me dead, on the inside.

"I fucked up, Lizzie," I say, feeling my eyes water and my mind foggy. This has to be the worst birthday of my entire life.

Suddenly I feel like I'm floating and I can't swallow. Everything feels, numb, different, weird, I try to focus on Brittany wishing me a happy birthday but that's the worst thing because my brain can't seem to put her voice together. It's Lily now, God everything feels so weird, so different. I want to grab the steering wheel and continue this drive of shame but I can't, my hands can't reach the steering wheel, it feel so far away from me and the more I try to reach it, the farther it gets. I want out of here, it's getting too hot, too cold.

There's a sensation I get. It's like I'm falling to the passenger's seat, leaning for help. I can't make out Liz's voice on the line but I know she's there and I can't bring myself to say something to get her attention.

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