Oneshots | KOOKV

pen down my thoughts

What do I really want?

For the past few days, this question has been bugging my mind, hence the sleepless nights.

It's a question with no answer, and this started all the problems.

One moment I'm okay, but in a blink of an eye I will suddenly feel like shit as I cried myself in the hopes of eradicating the unpleasant feeling that took a significant space in my already tired heart.

What do I really want?

I don't know.

Fuck, I don't know.

I'm just living every single day trying to survive a life I don't even think worth surviving.

Am I suicidal? Hell, NO.

I'm just tired.

So fucking tired.

I don't feel happy anymore about the things I used to enjoy.

All the efforts and hard work seemed to be useless as I'm haunted by displeased and demotivating reality that no matter how hard I tried to plan my future, nothing works according to what I want.

Is it by design? For me to keep failing?

To keep feeling like I'm never going to achieve what my heart truly desires?

But then again, what is it that I want?

What do I even desire?

Do I really not know what I want?

Or am I just afraid to admit that in the end, there's nothing.

And it scares me.

Not wanting anything...

Not having interest nor desire to do anything...

It's scary.

As if I already lost my fire.

And it brings me back to the question again, like an endless cycle.

What do I really want?

You? What is it that you want?

You're lucky if you have a genuine answer.

As for me, I might have to endure more sleepless nights, hoping that one day, I'll finally have an answer.

A one that doesn't need much thinking, for it'll naturally flow out of my mouth in pride.

P.S. These are my genuine thoughts, not the author Rosie who lives a life in fantasy, but Rosie - a real person struggling to survive just like anyone else.

Despite everything I'm going through right now off wattpad, your support, love, and patience are few things that I treasure.

Thank you everyone for all the love. I appreciate every single one of you.

Stay safe!