Toxic - Rudy Pankow

Twenty Six <3

||Rudy's POV||

I woke up to Drew telling me that him and the others were all leaving. I mumble a goodbye and don't move from my place on the sofa that I had fallen asleep on last night. My head was pounding from the alcohol and the stress. I stand up and walk over to the kitchen leaning across the counter top. I stay there for a few minutes composing myself before the sound of the door opening startles me. I look up to see Josie standing at the door looking just as shocked to see me as I am shocked to see her.

Her eyes turn straight to the sight of the apartment and there is glass everywhere from my outburst last night. She steps into the apartment fully and closes the door behind her. She avoids all eye contact with me not speaking a word and begins picking glass up off of the floor.

"Josie stop let me do it I don't want you to get hurt" my voice is quiet and I walk over to try stop her but she moves back from me with tears in her eyes.

"Oh so now you care about me getting hurt?! You didn't seem to care about that last night Rudy! You have no right to be worried about me getting hurt when it's always you doing it!!" She shouts and tears fall from her eyes.

"Josie I know okay. Fuck I know. Baby I'm sorry I am so so sorry. I was stupid and it was a mistake okay, I was drunk, I wasn't thinking" I stop taking a breath before continuing. "Josie I'm sorry. But we have bigger things to think about now, we are going to have a baby, together Josie. That's my main focus, so let's just forget about it and focus on that yea?" I try my best to smile and encourage her but even more hurt spreads across her face.

"Forget about it? You want me to forget about it?! No Rudy. I'm doing this on my own. What kind of mother would I be to let my child grow up with a role model that walked away when they found out about them, a role model that is a fucking cheat and doesn't give a shit about their mother huh? No, I'm doing this on my own!" She sobs and my heart breaks at her words. She was right, I was no role model but I did care about her. I love her so much.

"Josie no, I know I messed up and I have so much to make up for but I was scared!-" she cuts me off before I can finish.

"Rudy I'm scared too okay! I'm the one carrying this child Rudy! You can go about your day and deny fucking everything to with me and this child but me? Nope I'm stuck with it. I knew I'd be alone in this, a child would absolutely ruin your career Rudy so I'm doing you a favour and I'm leaving like none of this ever happened okay?" She rushed into the bedroom and I hear the drawers opening and her shoving things quickly into her bag.

I want nothing more than to stop her but I am frozen in my place. What the fuck am I supposed to do. I can't lose her and I can't lose this child. I snap myself out of it and quickly make my way towards the bedroom where she is.

"Josie I love you. Please can you just sit down and let me talk for a minute?" I beg her to just stop for a minute and to let me speak. I need to have the chance to apologise and explain. She sighs in defeat and nods her head before sitting on the bed and I move to sit beside her. I hold my hand out towards her and she hesitates but places hers in mine.

"First thing is first, the way that I reacted when you told me was wrong. It was so unbelievably wrong and I hate myself for it. But I am going to be completely honest with you even though it'll probably make you hate me more but honestly is what you deserve. Josie I was scared. And I was selfish because you're right my mind did go straight to what the media would think but it was in terms of your safety, I was scared of how much hate you would get Josie. You're so vulnerable and I hate seeing you upset. The last thing I want is low life assholes in the media commenting on you. But I was also shocked because this wasn't planed and you've got to understand that" my words are honest and raw, I just hope that she believes me.

"But now Josie, all I can think about is our future. Everyone in the media can go fuck themselves because I have a family to think about. Our family. I know I was stupid and I was scared but Josie now whenever I think about it my heart skips a beat and you know I hate cheesy shit like that but it's true. I love you and there is no one else on this entire earth that I'd rather have a family with Josie" from the look in her eyes I can see that she knows I am telling the truth.

"And lastly, baby for what happened at the party I have no excuses apart from how drunk I was. All I can say is that I am so so sorry Josie, it meant absolutely nothing to me and I genuinely hate myself so fucking much for it. I'm so sorry" it's true, it meant nothing and she especially means nothing to me. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made.

"Rudy it really really hurt me. I had a call from Madelyn saying that there was something wrong and I was so worried, I thought you were really hurt and I get there to find.... that" her voice lets me know how hurt she is and I feel so much guilt.

"Baby I know, I know I'm so so sorry. I know I don't deserve forgiveness but do you think that we can try to at least work on this? Even if you don't want me which will fucking ruin me, I at least want to be in my child's life. I'll be better I promise" much to my surprise she lightly nods her head and I pull her into my chest, she gently wraps her arms around me.

"What you did was wrong Rudy and you aren't totally forgiven yet but I didn't mean what I said, you're going to make the perfect role model for our little bean" she pulls away lightly smiling down at her stomach with her hand rested upon it.

At least this is a step in the right direction.

A/N
Hello loves, how are you all? I'm super tired today so this chapter is a little shitty. I'm sorry. I love you all. Also it's my dogs birthday so I'm throwing a McDonald's party for her because she loves chicken nuggets. Remember to vote, comment and share.

- J x