Dangerous Game

CHAPTER 17

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Amaya POV

Stunned and staggering, I return to the great Tower dragging myself towards the kitchen.
A shiver runs through me making me tremble all over.
Bucky is gone.
I still can't believe it.
I forced him to leave.
I think back to his words.
"Please stop playing the victim"
I've always felt like the victim throughout this whole story.
I am the victim.
But in hindsight he was too, he was always a victim.
Victim of HYDRA.
Victim of the choices those cruel men made for him.
As I did with him.
I chose for him.
I close my eyes taking a deep breath.
I admit I was mean to Bucky, I put all my anger in his face not caring about him and his feelings.
Am I repentant?
No, at that moment I couldn't have stayed by his side.
But if I could go back I would choose another way to end my story with him.
We loved each other, in our own way but we loved each other.
But basically we are just two broken souls who together were just trying to survive.
A noise behind me catches my attention making me turn my head abruptly.
Steve and Natasha have just entered the kitchen, Steve walks over to the counter grabbing two cups of coffee while Nat sits down with a slight smile in my direction.
They are obviously awake.
Bucky will surely drop by to say goodbye before he leaves.
An icy silence spreads throughout the kitchen.
From the way Nat keeps her head down, I understand perfectly well that my presence is putting them in trouble.
I understand them.
I understand Steve.
Bucky is his best friend, his brother.
They are one another's family.
I'm sure Steve is reliving his old pain in him, the pain he felt when he thought he had lost his best friend forever.
I have to say something, I feel I have to say something.
"Steve I..."
"Please shut up"
His abrupt interruption makes me jump on the spot.
Steve has always been nice to me and to any other human being, never a rude answer.
This outburst of anger really took me off guard.
Natasha's head jerks up as she turns to her fiance.
"Steve!" she scolds him between her teeth.
I look down guilty.
"No Nat, Steve is right" I murmur sadly.
My gaze lifts chaining to that of the man in front of me.
"I'm sorry"
"It's not true Amaya.You finally feel relieved.He is gone and you are free.Absolutely free to live your new life" Steve replies sadly.
Natasha gets up to join him.
"Steve, honey!That's enough"
Steve looks at his woman, a mixture of love and sorrow in his eyes.
"No babe.I've been silent so far but that's enough now.I know she is your best friend but Bucky is my best friend.And now he's gone because of her"
Steve speaks without taking his gaze from her even though his words are all for me.
Natasha turns to me.
"Amaya I'm sorry" she whispers, her eyes filled with tears.
I gently shake my head.
"That's okay Nat.Steve is right" I tell her, swallowing the knot in my throat.
"Steve I know you're angry and you don't believe me but I really didn't want it to end like this.I was wrong to treat Bucky badly but I'm not sorry for my choice.I couldn't stay with him"
Steve's hard eyes finally come back to my face.
"Do you want to know what I honestly think?" he asks me and I just nod unable to answer.
"I think you never loved him or at least you didn't love him as much as you insisted on making him believe.I can understand the pain and the disappointment but how could you forget him so quickly?How did you end up in someone else's arms so easily?"
Steve's words hit me like he just slapped me.
His words manage to make me feel small.
Dirty.
I lower my head back to observe my hands which are now torturing the hem of my shirt.
"This is not true" I murmur in a trembling voice.
"I don't think so.Amaya you know I love you and I consider you a great friend of mine but honestly I don't feel like you have suffered so much.You certainly haven't suffered as much as Buck"
I clench my fists in anger.
"You don't know anything Steve.My soul is torn apart since the day I lost my parents.The excruciating pain I felt led me to cut it all out...and what Bucky did to me was horrible but, in order to survive, I put my armor back on.I closed my pain at the bottom of my soul.I have to survive and if I had let the pain win I don't know if I would ever have been able to do it"
My eyes fill with tears.
I feel the anger running up my stomach until it explodes in my brain.
Steve snorts turning his back on me.
"He begged me to let him go" I say vehemently.
I see the Captain's shoulders stiffen.
"Good morning.Good morning sweetheart, have you been awake a long time ago?"
At the sound of Lucas' voice I try to find a minimum of composure but I think I have failed.
Lucas's gaze tapers and his smile fades from his face.
Obviously the situation could not go unnoticed.
Nat's shining eyes and Steve's stiffness in his body are already suspicious if he adds my tormented expression to it, it's obvious that he has noticed.
"What happens?" Lucas asks cautiously.
Steve turns to me, crossing his arms over his chest, giving me a mean half smile.
He is challenging me.
He wants to see if I can tell Lucas the truth.
I turn to the man next to me smiling bitterly.
"Bucky is gone.And Steve is mad at me because it's my fault"
Lucas watches me, his gaze is indecipherable.
"It's not your fault" Lucas murmurs trying in his own way to help me.
I smile at his thoughtfulness.
"Lucas, you also know it's not true.It's my fault.I talked to him, I tried to stop him but he was clear.He says he can't live where I am too"
Lucas remains silent and motionless, his arms dangling along his body.
I can see the confusion in his eyes.
Right now he hasn't the faintest idea of his position in this whole story.
We look deeply into eyes.
Lucas is trying to understand my true state of mind.
I break our eye contact when I see Steve rush out of the room.
Nat watches him go and before following him she approaches me grabbing my hands and squeezing them in hers.
"Give him some time.He'll get over it" she whispers to me.
"I'm sorry.I didn't want to hurt any of you" I whimper with my heart swollen with anger and regret for making my friends suffer.
The former Russian spy shakes her head and gives me a sweet smile.
"It's not your fault.I'll talk to him and make him think.Now he's hurt.He feels alone and scared"
I take a step closer and taking my hands out of her grip, I wrap my arms around her neck, squeezing her in an embrace full of love.
"Are we still best friends?" I ask with my voice broken with fear.
Natasha chuckles in my ear.
"Obvious honey.We will be friends forever" she replies, increasing her grip around my body.
"Go to Steve" I urge her.
"He needs you now" I add, sniffing at her.
We exchange a last look full of sorrow and many unspoken words and Nat leaves the kitchen leaving me and Lucas alone.
Lucas hasn't stopped looking at me for a moment, his eyes are glued to my face.
He's studying me, he's trying to figure out if and how much I can still be attached to Bucky.
"No more lies?" he asks me uncertainly.
"No more lies" I whisper.
I watch him as he leans against the kitchen table, right next to me.
"Have you talked to Bucky?"
I nod at his first question.
For a moment there is absolute silence in the kitchen, a silence full of tension.
I risk a glance in his direction.
He has his arms crossed and the muscles of his arms stretch the fabric of the shirt he is wearing.
His head is bowed forward and his eyes are closed.
I would like to reach out to caress his soft blonde hair but I hold back, this is not the time.
Now he just needs my answers and I'll give them to him trying to be honest.
I too cross my arms on my chest in order to keep my hands at bay, which are shaking dangerously at the moment.
"Did you ask him to stay?" he asks me and here I can hear all the pain in his voice.
"Yes"
"Why?"
"Because this is his house Lucas.He is an Avengers and the Avengers are his family.This is his life and I snatched it away from him"
Lucas nods, raising his head and opening his eyes again.
He turns to me that I have not stopped admiring his profile even for a moment.
"Are you sorry you done with him?"
I just shake my head in denial.
Our eyes remain chained.
"Do you still love him?"
I start visibly trying to mask the pain that his question has awakened in my heart.
I love him?
I don't know.
I don't know how to answer this question.
"Wrong question?" Lucas asks softly, hinting at a sad smile.
I sigh trying to find the words.
"No I...I...I don't think I love him yet but that doesn't take away the fact that he was important to me.And in the end it always will be.If today I reopened to love it was thanks to him, he gave me the strength to open up to life again.If today I am who I am it is thanks to Bucky" I honestly admit.
"This is not an answer Amaya.Do you still love him?" he asks me again, staring at me with such intensity that it makes me flinch.
I move nervously away from him reaching the window.
I observe my beautiful and fascinating city that has turned white during the night.
"I think not"
"Yes or no?It's a simple question Amaya"
"I don't know, okay?" I scream in exasperation as I turn in his direction.
I hear my heart beating furiously, the deafening echo of it echoing in my ears.
"Why are you stay with me then?"
I raise a eyebrow confused.
"Because I like you and because you make me feel good" I reply.
As if he didn't already know these things.
"That's all?" he asks me, joining me and standing in front of me.
I smile.
"Don't play this game with me Lucas.You always knew my intentions from the start.I've never hidden anything from you.You know what I feel and you accepted" I reply pointing a finger at his chest.
"If that's not enough, you can go.I never forced you to stay with me and I never will"
"It's true, you never forced me but you let me understand that you were no longer in love with him and now it turns out that you are no longer so sure"
I am stunned by his behavior.
I didn't expect such a ruthless attack from him.
People are never what they seem.
Suddenly Fury's words echo in my head.
Yeah, this is true.
First Bucky now Lucas, both are turning out to be the opposite of what I thought.
"I never play with you Lucas.Everything I've done I've always done because I really wanted it"
He shakes his head, the shadow of a bitter smile on his lips.
"Listen to me Lucas!I am like that.I'm not a perfect woman, I'm not the perfect woman you painted in your head.I am damaged, my feelings are.The years I spent killing people for Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. they reduced me like this.You...you are a good guy.You joined the S.H.I.E.L.D. to save the people, to save the world.I did it to kill" I admit aloud for the first time in my life.
I always let it be believed that I joined S.H.I.E.L.D. to follow in my parents' footsteps...and it might as well have been if they were still here with me.
But when I did it I did it only to quench my thirst for revenge.
I smile because I finally feel like a huge weight has evaporated from above my heart.
Lucas looks at me in disbelief and I take advantage of his silence to continue talking.
"I had so much anger inside me that killing seemed like the best way to vent.I have been training for years and have become the best assassin in this world.I got to the point of killing with my bare hands just for the fun of it" I hiss as my stomach churns with rage.
The bile burns my throat as it climbs up.
"They were bad men"
I snort giggling at his sad attempt to console me.
I don't seek consolation for what I have done.
I'm not looking for redemption.
"Bullshit Lucas.It's just bullshit.If you had worked at my level and seen what I saw I am sure you would have left your badge on Fury's desk.They weren't just bad people.Sometimes they were simply uncomfortable people at S.H.I.E.L.D. nothing more"
Lucas narrows his eyes.
"Why are you telling me all this?" he asks me.
His shoulders are stiff, his whole posture is.
His hands are clenched in two fists and his jaw is tight and stiff.
I can clearly see his discomfort at this intimate confession of mine.
"To make you understand that the person you think you are in love does not exist.I am what I am.I am arrogant, presumptuous.I'm stubborn.I'm mean and soulless.What is left of the real me is a mixture of anxiety, uncertainty and pain.I am living but I am already dead" my voice dies out on the last words.
"I thought I could go on living by letting myself be guided by feelings.I thought that with you I was succeeding..."
"But?" Lucas interrupts me.
"But you are too a good guy.Too sweet.Your confident way of seeing the world doesn't suit me.I tried.I really wanted your optimism to give me the right push towards a calmer life but it's not for me"
Lucas looks at me and I could swear I saw a flash of anger in his ever so kind eyes.
"Barnes is for you instead, right?"
I shake my head laughing.
"No.I choose me today.No man.I just want to learn to live for me and me only"
Lucas takes a step back, running a hand through his short hair.
He looks surprised.
I don't think he expected the discussion to take this turn.
Honestly, I didn't expect it either.
But I am tired and I will no longer allow anyone to judge my choices and my actions.
"So are you dumping me?" he asks me incredulously.
"I like you, I like to talk and laugh with you.The night we just spent was beautiful but I'm not ready for a relationship.And Barnes has nothing to do with it.The whole pivot of the matter is me.I have to love myself.I have tortured my body and my soul and now I have to apologize to myself.For too many years I have blamed myself for something that I have never been in control of"
Lucas laughs as if he is amused by the whole situation.
"This is a beautiful bullshit Amaya" he taunts me.
"Yes, I know" I reply accompanying my words with a laugh.
"I've never been much for this Zen bullshit but now I really feel the need to take care of myself.Believe it or not"
Lucas licks his lips as if he's getting ready to say something.
I observe him patiently giving him time to find the right words.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaims slamming his palm on the table in a nervous and angry gesture.
"For a moment...just for a moment I believed that you and I could really have a future.I also introduced you to all my friends.What a idiot!" he murmurs between his teeth.
"If it can make you feel better, just tell them that I was a bitch"
"It doesn't make me feel better Amaya.I thought we had told no more lies and instead you lied to me"
"And here you are wrong" I answer, approaching him.
"I've always been honest with you.I wanted to be with you day after day, no plans for the future.Day after day, just this.But apparently you didn't listen to me and you lulled yourself into the illusion that mine were just words.What did you expect me to tell you after one night that I love you and that I couldn't imagine my life without you?"
I know I'm blaming him harshly but I don't accept him changing the cards between us.
I never promised him anything and instead he is making me pass for a manipulative liar.
"We want two different things Lucas.You deliberately ignored my will"
Lucas clenches his jaw.
I have a point.
I'm a little sorry but I want him to understand the real reason for our breakup.
"I'm sorry.I didn't want to be so direct, I just want you to understand my point.I'm not asking you to accept it but to try to understand me"
I try to soften my tone.
Lucas is just a victim.
Another victim of my choices.
I am a really bad person.
"Lucas..."
"Go to hell Amaya" he spits angrily and then turns his back on me and exits the kitchen like a fury bumping into Sam.
"Hey man!" Sam yells at him recovering his balance but Lucas has now disappeared from our view.
Sam turns to me and joins me.
"What the hell is wrong with your friend?" he asks me rubbing his shoulder where Lucas hit him as he passed.
"Leave him alone.He is pissed.And he's not my friend anymore" I murmur, pinching the top of my nose between my fingers, my eyes tightly closed.
"I understand...trouble in paradise, huh?" he asks giggling.
"I wish there was a paradise.Here it's all a fucking hell" I grumble approaching the table and grabbing a chair I sit on it.
"Bad sex?"
"What?"
"I didn't hear you scream...so I guess it was a flop"
I roll my eyes.
"You're an idiot Wilson" I replied disconsolately.
"With Bucky you were screaming most of the time" my friend adds as if nothing had happened.
I look at him in shock, crossing my arms over my chest.
My face is on fire.
"What's up?He seemed very pissed off...maybe you pointed out your dissatisfaction"
"Sam you are an incredible gossipy.Anyway, for your information, I just decided to end our pseudo relationship and he didn't take it very well"
After a few moments, a hand pushes a hot, steaming cup of wonderful coffee under my nose.
"Thanks Sam.At the moment maybe you are the only person who doesn't hate me" I smile.
I would like to remain impassive but I feel the tears stinging behind my closed eyelids.
"Amaya?Amaya look at me please" Sam's sweet voice calls me back.
I try to erase the pain from the features of my face and I lift my gaze, planting it in Sam's chocolate irises.
"Nobody hates you"
I laugh, shaking my head.
"Bucky hates me.Steve hates me.Now Lucas hates me too"
"Steve?"
"Mmh mmh" I nod, returning to focus my attention on the coffee.
I take a few sips to relieve my parched mouth.
"This morning he literally told me it's my fault that Bucky is gone.And by his standards I would also be a whore" I giggle sadly turning back to Sam who at the moment has a rather confused expression on his face.
"Why that face?Basically it is true.Bucky left because he doesn't want to live where I am and I literally threw myself into someone else's arms in a few months.So..."
"Bucky is an adult man, if he wanted to leave it was his choice.It's not your fault"
I raise my eyebrows, a skeptical expression is painted on my face.
"Are you kidding me?"
"No Amaya.We are not children, loves come and go.Take Natasha for example.Before she met Steve and fell in love with him, she and Bruce were together.Yet now they continue to live and work together.Steve and Bruce are friends.That's what adults do.Bucky just needs time.As for Steve, for him everything is beyond the limits of decency, his centennial old ass has only what difficulty adapting to today's standards"
We look at each other for a moment then we both burst out laughing like two idiots.
Sam looks at me glad he got me a laugh.
"Do you want me to talk to Steve?"
I shake my head.
"I'll handle that.I have the situation under control" I reply.
I don't know if that's true but I want to try and fix it with Steve only with my strength.
We sit in silence sipping coffee enjoying a little quiet.
"You still love him?"
My God why?
Why they keep asking me this question!
"I don't know" I sigh.
"I hate him for what he did to me but a small part of me keeps repeating to me C'mon Amaya! It's Bucky" I admit in a faint voice.
Sam looks straight ahead.
"Do you remember last night?When did we dance together and I ask you if you were happy?"
"Sure" I reply.
It seems to have happened a lifetime ago and instead only a few hours have passed.
"I did not believe your answer even for a moment" he replies amused.
I turn to him to study his expression.
He gives me back a calm and serene look.
"And why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I know you.Amaya Snow doesn't take advice from anyone.Arrogant and pedantic as you are, you would have told me to go fuck myself.So I just waited for you to come to your own conclusions.Of course I didn't know it would only take you one night...but hey!You have always been a woman of a thousand surprises" laughs Sam.
I open my mouth to argue but closed it immediately.
Why?
Because Sam is right.
That bastard.
Sam knows he has the point and smiles triumphantly without adding anything.
"I hate you" I murmur as I bring my lips to the cup to take another sip of coffee.
"Nah, that's not true and you know it!" he rejoices standing up.
"Let's go" he urges me, offering me a hand.
"Where?"
"Let's go and do it"
"No Sam, I'm not in the mood"
"C'mon Amaya.You have always liked doing it with me and it always puts you in a good mood"
"Not today Sam.I have a commitment"
"Cowardly.You're just scared" my friend teases me.
"Wilson I don't understand all this urge of yours to be beaten in a fight by a girl.It's humiliating" I mock him.
"Woah woah!Last time I kicked your ass" he yells at me as I walk away.
I turn to him, continuing to walk.
"If that makes you sleep at night" I yell at him in response, shrugging.
In response, he shows me his middle finger and I walk away smiling.
I go back to my room to change.
I quickly put on some pants and a sweater, sit on the bed to put on my boots and grab my leather jacket from the top of the chair.
All strictly black.
Black like my mood today.
Black like my soul.
If I still have one.
I doubt it.
After all I just broke a sweet and good man's heart, I believe this one on Jesus' list of bad deeds is on par with skinning live puppies.
I stride away from my room but find myself slowing down near Steve and Natasha's.
I need to clear things up with Steve, I can't live with this sorrow.
I gather all the courage I have left and knock on the door.
To open the door is Steve who as soon as he sees me stiffens his posture.
"Nat is taking a shower, I will tell her that you have passed" he replies coldly and without even giving me time to open my mouth he is about to close the door in my face but I put a foot in the middle of the door.
"Ouch!Better this way because I have to talk to you.And I won't accept a no"
We stare at each other for a few seconds then Steve sighs and closing the door behind him agrees to talk to me.
He crosses his mighty arms and looks at me from top to bottom.
"I am willing to leave, I will be able to live elsewhere.Maybe get accommodation from S.H.I.E.L.D. I'll do anything in my power to get Bucky back"
Steve's gaze just melts.
"You don't need Amaya.I overacted before and I'm sorry I talked to you like that but I was hurt.I am hurt.Letting go Bucky doesn't make me feel good" the Captain admits with downcast eyes.
"I know and believe me I am immensely sorry for putting you in this situation.You are one of those few people I can consider a friend, I'm sorry I hurt you" I apologize with all the sincerity in my heart.
"That's okay.Friends?" Steve replies, offering me his big hand.
I watch him, a shy and genuine smile curls his lips.
I grab his hand and with a voice trembling with emotion I whisper "Friends"
Steve draws me into his arms and I cling to him as if he were an anchor in this sea of pain and loneliness.
"I didn't want him to go away" I whimper, holding me closer to him.
"I know it.I believe you"
Steve's words heartened me more than anything else.
We break away from our embrace a little embarrassed.
Steve scratches his neck moving from one foot to the other in an evident state of discomfort.
"Can I ask you a question Amaya?"
"Yes, of course you can"
"Do you still love him?Bucky I mean"
What the hell is wrong with everyone today?
I shrug unable to respond.
Steve understands my embarrassment and glosses over the matter.
"Ok I'm going now.I have a commitment for lunch" I announce starting to walk away from my friend.
Steve greets me but before he can go into his room I turn around and call him.
"Steve?"
He turns to me, his eyes as large and clear as the ocean stare at me.
"I broke up with Lucas"
Even though he would like to hide it I can see a flash of happiness in his eyes.
I know he'd still bet on me and Bucky.
I smile at him and walk away.
My annual Christmas lunch date awaits me.