adrianna

32

Adrianna pov

I'm currently in my bathroom smoking pot. I've smoked so much I can't even stand. I don't even think I can fake being sober right now. I just really hope nobody comes to disturb me. I just want to be left alone.

I want to chase the thoughts out of my head for good. The good and bad ones. They make me feel crazy, like I could just explode. I feel like my head is running out of room, but my mind won't slow down, and I have no where to put my thoughts so my head keeps getting more full.

My eye lids are so heavy but I'm not going to fall asleep with a lighter in my hand. I'm not going back to those days.

I go into my room and take a monster out of my mini fridge. I need some energy, and this is the only reasonable thing I can think of.

I've been blowing the smoke out of my bathroom window, not wanting the room to smell. The smell taunts me. It reminds me how I've failed myself. How I lost to myself. To my mind. I gave in to the temptations. But I couldn't handle myself.

My mind makes me forget things that are either really useless and unimportant or things that are really traumatic. Things like me being given to the Greek's for 3 months. I forgot I ever knew the Greek's because my mind was too traumatised it made itself forget the memories.

But now I can't forget. The memories keep replaying in my head.

Over and over and over and over again.

The drugs are meant to be helping me right now but they aren't. They usually slow my mind down, but right now it's going faster than ever. All these old memories being unlocked in my brain is making me go crazy. It's mentally draining me.

As I'm sitting on the bed I try to think of anything I can do that could help me. Something I'd find therapeutic. But they all require leaving the house; Killing someone, fighting, racing, doing an assassination, clubbing.

I slowly get out of my bed, contemplating if I should really do this. I block out the thoughts and I leave my room.

I walk down the hallway and knock on the door. After hearing some shuffling inside, the door opens and I'm met with a confused looking Gio.

Because yes, I'm going to him for help.

"Is everything okay Adri?" he asks frowning.

I frown at the floor "I...I need help."

I bring my gaze up to his and I see his eyes have softened. He nods his head in the direction of his room, telling me to come in.

I walk in and I'm met with a room I could mistaken as an apartment. There's a navy wall, which has his massive bed against with black bedding on it. To one side of the room he has a massive desk which is covered in papers. On the other side are two doors, one being his bathroom, the other his closet. He also has a floor to wall mirror across from his bed.

This makes me roll my eyes. Of course he does.

"So what's up?" he asks.

How am I meant to say it? How do I tell him. I know I can tell him things because he doesn't tell other people, and he's seen enough bad in this world to be disgusted or ashamed in me.

Or at least that's what I tell myself.

"I remembered something again and I guess you could call it traumatic. And scenes of this memory keep flashing in my head and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself but I need help.

I want to be able to tell someone something and them not being scared or disgusted in me. I just want them to understand what I went through. I feel like angry all the time. At the world. At me. I usually took my emotions and used them whilst I trained but I don't train like I used to anymore.