Mothers Heart

Tighter

*20 years ago*

Adam was three, Jay was seven and Will was ten

I was a shell. "Mummy" Jay yelled running over. I instantly pick him up looking around "who's with you" I ask I didn't even sound like myself. "Uncle Henry Aunty Elle  and papa Bob" Will said his big eyes looking up at me with confusion. I hold Jay a little tighter I could see his blood on my hands even if I had washed them a thousand times. That poor baby begging me to help him. Jay sighs content in my arms. "Hey Will why don't you go see Addy and Justin" Henry said making me look up "Bob and Camille are there watching them" he assured me "are you ok" Henry asks concerned. I had called in in a state, I was back at the building locked myself in my office and rang him even before I washed the blood off. He has spoke to me much like we always do when one of us get mixed up in a bad shooting even if it technically was a good shoot. He of course called Camille to pick Jay and Will up from school knowing Adam was with Bob. I honestly had no idea why Adam was here probably wanted to see me. He had only just started not having a full blown meltdown when he went and stayed with Bob. I know Henry or Camille would have told him. I surprised he stayed, than again he probably knew I needed my kids. Especially if they told him it was a kid. "Are you ok" he repeats when I don't say anything my arms tightly around Jay. Tears build up in my eyes "he was so little" I whisper out broken Jays head snaps up. Henry led me over to the barstool so I can sit down. "I keep seeing his little hands and the blood I didn't know there was so much blood inside little bodies" tears start trickling down "mumma" Jay said trying to stop the tears trickling down my face "it was a good shoot you know that but you won't ever feel it" he squeezes my arm. He glances behind him "we'll stay I think Camille already came over with a bag packed ready to stay the night the three boys were here playing when I arrived" I nod slowly "he begged me for help" he wraps his arms around me "what ever you need Camille and I are here you know that so if you need us to take the boys cause Pat isn't answering or wants you to pick them up earlier you call" I nod "your strong Elle but even the strongest need help and support so lean on us lean on Bob I know his a cop with crazy hours as well" "I'm surprised you and him broke up his a wonderful person so wonderful he has no problem taking on two other boys" Camille said walking in carry Justin "sorry he tripped needed a Band-Aid"she adds giving us both a look at tells us he didn't want a Band-Aid because he was tough. "Come give aunt Ellie a hug" Henry said taking his crying son from his wife allowing her to get the stuff to clean the cut and the Band-Aid. I shift Jay who I had no intention of letting go of. I take Justin "you ok Aunt Ellie" he asks after a minute his tears slowing "I'm ok baby" I assure both boys who were clearly worried.

I drop Will off at school. Sighing "Jay want to come with me I have to run a special errand before picking Adam up from preschool we might even pick Justin up" his face lights up "yes" he jumps cheering. I knew he would he hates school. I just didn't want to let go of him yet.

I hold his hand walking into the park. "Martha" "Sam" she nodded she had been watching her other children play or somewhat play they didn't seem full of life like the other children. Jay holds my hand tightly. "Who's this" "Jay my son his seven" I told her her eyes meeting mine. In that moment we both knew we were struggling just as much as the other. "Want to go play for a minute" I ask Jay who nods "hey when I say time to go we have to go" he nods again. "He seems like a good kid" "stubborn but yeah his a good kid" she smiles she hands me back my badge. I didn't know if I even wanted anymore. "He would want you to have it" she told me I sat down beside her "you were doing your job you have been this whole time you did right by me more than any other cops" she sends me a smile "I'm so sorry" "I know" she weakly smiles trying not to cry. "I see him every time I close my eyes he loved you so much he said it in between asking me for help...I look at my boy and it breaks my heart. I I can't image the pain but I can somewhat understand the level because I can't stop the guilt it started when he was begging me knowing I did that to him. I'm sorry" "if you didn't than more child would have been hurt" she said strongly "you don't have to be strong for me I know you probably hate me" I told her "I do but I'm stronger than that I know my baby wouldn't want me to take my hate out on you for protecting so many. Over the hill where you shot was a preschool where my youngest was at it could have been one of them. I thank you for protecting" "your a strong woman" "his a good kid" she said looking at Jay "same size as" "want to hug him" she looks at me "Jay" I call him over he raced over. "Martha my friend her needs a hug" he looks at me confused "I'll tell you later" I whisper to my sweet boy. He wraps his arms around her. That's when she broke holding him tight.
"I'm sorry I'm sorry" "never apologise" I had Jay in my arms holding me tight. He was a bit started by the whole thing. "You call me even if it's just to see my kids or talk or anything" she nods taking the card I was passing her.

I put Jay in the car driving away. I was prepared for the barrage of questions but they didn't come he fell asleep in the car. So I called the preschool to bring Justin and Jay out. I help them put both boys in the car before driving away.

I park in the garage. Unbuckling Justin and Adam. "Carry your bags put them in the kitchen" I told them both before walking around carefully taking jays belt off before picking him up. I carry him inside locking the car up. "Mummy can we play with these" Adam yelled holding his sword up "auntie Ellie please" Justin said "yeah but you have to be quiet your brother has had a long day" I told them walking up stairs. I put him on my bed because he had a bunk, I wasn't putting him on the top bunk. I wondered if I was draining him. Was I being to overbearing that it quiet literally exhausted my energetic boy.