THOSE SUMMER NIGHTS

[41]

[41]

- ATLAS -

-

I WAS TRYING to convince myself that tonight would go great for Eden. My mind, as usual, was making up a new scenario every few minutes and each one ended up with Eden in tears. It was pessimistic of me, sure, but it was how my brain worked.

I was ready to walk out the door, dressed in a pair of black dress pants and a simple cream colored, cable-knit sweater. I had showered and hoped that I smelled well enough for the fancy dinner we were attending. I had used the cologne that I knew Eden loved because... Well, I didn't really have a reason, I just wanted her to be as relaxed and optimistic as possible. How did my cologne help do that? I have no idea.

Staring at myself in the dusty mirror, I sucked in a deep breath. My hair was messily gelled and my face, for the first time in a long time, looked clear– healthy. The scarring on my bottom lip from the constant chewing and breaking of skin was gone. The pale color that shrouded my face had lessened, my skin swirling underneath with heat and blood– with life.

I stared at the orange bottle that sat on the wood of the dresser. The words ATLAS M. FOREMAN seemed to stand out the most on the bottle, taunting me, baiting me. Every day, it was a back and forth between my consciousness of "Take the medicine," and "Don't take the medicine."

Take the fucking pill, it'll make the irrational hate you have for yourself go away.

Don't take the pill, all you're doing is filling your body with fake feelings.

I squeezed my eyes shut with hopes that the thoughts would go away too. My breathing grew heavy and before I knew it, I was unscrewing the cap and downing a pill dry.

Heaving a sigh, I stared at myself in the mirror, the dark circles under my eyes deep as chasms. I ran a hand through my hair and sighed once more. Eden needed me. She needed the stable Atlas. The Atlas that held her when she cried and squeezed her hand under the table. She needed the dependable Atlas; the Atlas on pills.

She didn't need the Atlas that couldn't get a wink of sleep. She didn't need the Atlas that fevered up and threw up and cried when he refused to take his medicine. She didn't need the Atlas that let himself fall asleep with dreams of never waking up again.

Right now, she needed the Atlas that wasn't really me.

My eyes focused on the clock that sat on the wooden table, the red numbers shining 6:03. I inhaled through my nose and exhaled through my lips, before pushing off the table and grabbing my things. I shut off the lights and walked out my bedroom door. As I walked down the hall that led to Eden's room, I wondered as to what she was thinking right now.

She was probably pacing her room, panicking about the outcome of this dinner. Whether she was dressed or not, I wasn't sure, but she had told me that we needed to be ready by six o'clock. Downstairs, Jude had made dinner for everyone and they were getting ready to eat and play a few games afterwards. The sound of music floated through the house and made its way upstairs, but I steered closer to Eden's door.

I took a deep breath before knocking on the door. Quickly, like she was expecting me to knock, she swung open the door. Her hair was pulled back in a half-up, half-down updo and her makeup was fierce, but natural. Her navy dress looked to be made of satin or silk, but wasn't completely on her, the long sleeves slipping down her shoulders. She let out a small sigh and squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. I watched her hands tremble before she hid them behind her. "Hey,"

Before I could respond, she turned around and walked back into her room. I stepped in, slowly closing the door behind me. I watched the whirlwind that was Eden spin around the room, applying something new on her face before fastening a necklace around her neck. She'd move to the mirror and stare at herself a moment before cursing to herself fastening on a pair of earrings.