Alone [manxman]

ten:: when sometimes we fall together. *

CRAZY FOR YOU BY ADELE

TEN:: when sometimes we fall together.

JULIAN

"Paul and I are back together."

Silence.

Dr. Thorpe's brows raised. I could feel the steady thump in my chest quicken to an excited beat. I could feel it in my fingertips. She smiled a little, not on purpose and it was so small you could've missed it.

It was I felt so calm.

I hadn't felt this calm before.

It wasn't him, yeah communication again... that felt, so, it felt indescribable.

It had been a few months since the semester ended and I was back in Brighton. I lived at home for a few weeks at first, at my dad's house, not in my room but I took the basement. My parents converted it to a guest room somewhere around 9th grade and really it felt like a separate apartment. That helped.

A year before I would've rolled over and stayed at my dad's for months, I would've rotted in the basement.

I would've laid in bed for days in the same clothes until someone came to pull me out. I knew that it could get that bad, sometimes I thought about the second summer with Pablo. I didn't obsess.

I didn't obsess, I gave myself 2 minutes when I fixated on things. I allowed a minute of regret, of shame, love, joy... and I felt everything. And then I held a breath, and stretched.

Sullivan mediated, I wish I could tell you if it were spiritual. I was self-involved that last month of classes, more involved with not flunking, but I wondered if the comedy and type-a surgical sides in him were fighting for dominance.

I didn't really get meditation, I took my meds, I smoked a lot of weed to manage the quiet. Physical stimulation made up for the emotional void. We meditated, often.

Wren joined us, other times and we sat.

Sullivan Clemmons was nice. He was nicer than most but he hid it behind a suave, somewhat snarky, albeit annoying, persona... that only showed once we'd been on a few dates. He was competitive, I was too, I liked that, didn't really love the ego. And it was casual.

It was mutual and casual and it sunk into that empty, covered it a little when it felt like I just didn't... have anything.

I was empty a lot of that month, I went with the motions, I finished the semester with mostly Ds, I texted my dad back in the mornings and Sullivan and I would fall in bed once or twice a week.

By the time I left, he'd put in an application for transfer to UCSB's med program. Realistically, it was the last time we'd ever speak.

My dad picked me up from the airport.

Brighton was shocking. It was familiar, like visiting an old family member. I wasn't ready, I knew that but coming home, still felt relieving.

This time I spent my days at Ben's apartment or Andy's dorm... I spent them in parks and on trails, in the skatepark trying to kick flip. I busied myself, trying to forget how much I missed soccer.

I think I'd always miss it.

The company was nice.

It felt like being the omniscient narrator in some Nicholas Sparks novel. Disassociating got a bad rep truly, cause life was so remarkably entertaining in 2D. Sometimes it was like reality tv, Johnny and Andy were madly in love but neither one of them really knew it.