Alone [manxman]

nine:: when you choose not to sink.

[Cellophane by FKA Twiggs]

TRIGGER WARNING: PANIC ATTACKS, THE BRIEFEST MENTION OF SELF HARM

NINE: when you choose not to sink.

May 30, 2016

"Are you taking your medication?"

He seemed worried, he always did and I wasn't sure why he was staring at the knife in my hand like he was scared I was gonna do something stupid. Paul and I were making dinner one night when he'd brought it up. Eyes on mine, he paused his stirring and honestly, it shocked me that he would ask such a question so out of the blue.

I continued to chop the vegetables, not meeting his eyes again. "Yeah." And I had been taking them but recently, I didn't feel too good, it almost felt like I was becoming immune to them at that point because my lows were hitting harder than ever. I convinced myself that that was my fault. "Why do you keep asking me that?"

But I was taking my medication, one of the agreements of him taking me back would be that I would continue to take them and I definitely did not want to break up again, it wasn't good for me or us. It wasn't good to be off them either, I came to terms with that.

"You're just-" he'd voiced, shrugging as if he wasn't still looking at me and I tried not to take it to heart, setting the knife down just to ease him. Picking up the uncut carrots on the counter, I brought them to the sink and I was feeling a the tension in the air. I went to wash them, "you're not acting like yourself is all."

And I turned around, trying to appease him with a smile, "I'm fine, I'm just a little tired." And I had been tired, maybe I would take a nap after dinner, I was feeling less energetic recently and it was draining. I wasn't hungry much either and I knew he was right but I didn't want to worry him. I kept to myself more often now, he didn't need to know the same sob story every time I felt down anyways.

"Why are you lying to me?" His voice was soft and I turned to look at him, not even turning the sink off.

"What?"

And at that question, he walked over, turning the sink off and just looking at me. He stood in front of me then and I felt so small it was intimidating. My boyfriend was making eye contact with me and it felt like he were judging me for some reason. I just didn't feel the same as before and I was starting to feel like it was my fault for... not being happier. "Why can't you tell me?" He sounded sad, more upset than before and I didn't know what to say. I was just having a low period, it wasn't anything to tell him, I could handle it.

He wasn't there all the time, he wouldn't be, I had to learn how to deal with things on my own. "You don't think I notice the marks on your legs?"

Looking down, I pictured the little tick marks on my thighs, I didn't think much of it when he ran his fingers over them the night before. I hadn't hurt myself, I wasn't planning to and I didn't mean to either. When I got overwhelmed, I dug my nails into myself but it was always absentminded and I thought nothing of it.

But he was looking at me as if it broke it heart, as if me not seeing it earlier was hurting him and I wondered why he looked so betrayed. Did I hurt him?

I shook my head. I didn't understand how keeping to myself was a big deal. "Paul, I-"

He looked at me as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing then, as if he expected me to have more to say when he was cutting me off. And then he laughed the broken laugh he would let out before he started crying. Paul laughed when he was deeply upset, maybe it was how he coped with it and that always scared me.