Alone [manxman]

twenty-one:: when you invest in yourself.

[the boys; Language by Paperboy Fabre ft Brent Faiyaz]

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL FANTASIES/CONTEMPLATION. It's 100% not important to read it if you can't handle it. if you struggle with suicidal thoughts, please do not hesitate to skip the part between the asterisks (*) and please please please be careful with yourself. x

TWENTY-ONE: when you invest in yourself.

Trying to regulate my breathing was near-impossible once my worst possible fear at that moment had come true. Maybe my heart started picking up pace when Jade was already on the way to get Dad. All I knew was when he walked into the room, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, head hung down in between parted knees.

I breathed out a few shaky breaths, my head pounding and my throat closing up. I was gonna tell him on my own terms- or, at least that was what I told myself and now she was forcing this fucking intervention because she didn't think I looked as fine as I was.

I'd been way worse off than this, way more times than I could count and there was really no need for her to go get him.

Interrupt whatever he was doing so he could watch me maneuver through my own anxiety attack.

"Hey." That was my dad when he'd gotten close enough to watch the shaking of my hands. He'd knelt down right next to me, large hand placed across the expanse of my back and rubbing in circles. I tried to focus on that, tried to let go and focus on just his words, "hey, breathe-"

"I'm fine." I pushed, not moving much, only to clasp my own hands together on my forehead and I was breathing out through parted lips.

One, two, three... f-four, five-

"No he's not."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. "Jade." I spoke up, looking up to meet her electric green eyes. She was leant on the doorframe yet again, arms crossed and jaw clenched and when I didn't say anything else, she raised her brows.

"If you're not gonna tell him I will." And I didn't know exactly what she was talking about but I knew that I didn't wanna hear the outcome of her threat. I gritted my teeth, my dad's hand halting on my shoulder now, clenching around the bone there comfortingly.

"Tell me what?" He was looking over at her and he had this confused look on his face, as if we'd kept a secret engagement from him like the way he did to me. When she only looked pointedly at me, he'd averted his gaze. "Tell me what, J?"

I shook my head then, closing my eyes and my heart was finally slowing. Swallowing over the lump in my throat, I focused back on the fact that he'd transitioned to hugging me tightly to him. Standing on shaky legs, I hugged him back, allowing him that comfort even if it didn't do much for me.

My dad always found a comfort in me knowing that he was there and sometimes, that was enough to push away the questioning.

But, it wasn't this time... it wasn't enough because when he was done and I'd sat back down, he was still standing stagnant in my room. "Julian..." HIs voice was normal, something they'd realize was better to coax an explanation out of me years prior.

Tell your parents, someone, please.

When he didn't move his gaze off of me, I figured now was as good a time as any. "I don't-" Sucking in a breath, I pushed sweaty palms against my knees. "I don't know w-what to do."

"About what?" Everything.

I didn't know what to say either, how to string words into a coherent sentence to tell him exactly how I was feeling. I'd never felt so hopeless before, never felt so full of absolutely nothing and that was what shocked me.