Alone [manxman]

ten:: when you swallow your pride. *

LIKE THIS CHAPTER THE FUCK UP AND BLOW IT UP WITH COMMENTS CAUSE IT HAS PAUL'S POINT OF VIEW. AS PER PLANNING, HIS POINT OF VIEW (*) WILL OCCUR EVERY TENTH CHAPTER. (I ALSO WROTE THIS IN LIKE 3 HOURS STRAIGHT AND I NEED SLEEP)

[Scars/To the New Boyfriend by Rudy Fransisco]

TEN:: when you swallow your pride.

PAUL

I still love you.

He was crying and I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say so I said I was sorry. I wanted to say I was sorry for giving up, sorry for not giving him what he needed, I wanted to apologize for leaving. But Julian was always good at knowing what I needed.

He was always so good at knowing when to stop me so when he'd stopped me, I reflected. And when I'd seen him begging me to love him back, I saw the flaws in it. I saw the flaws in giving him that because then he'd have expected so much more.

I still love you.

"Izzy..." Sex without feelings were temporary fixes, especially when you were reeling from a breakup. This was something that I figured out with Nicholas, something that I was figuring out again and again with Julian. The only way to stop thinking about him was getting under others... and a lot of others, he was going through a lot and I could hold off on talking about myself.

It had been a month since he'd taken his ring back and I was still thinking about him, still drafting text messages that I didn't have the heart to send and that was selfish. "Iz."

Isaiah was cute and he was great in bed and he cared and I was ready to move on... at least, I kept telling myself that but for some reason I couldn't. I couldn't see him the way I saw Julian, I couldn't. Abuelita would tell us stories when we were younger... about true loves and how a great love could turn any house into a home, how a great song sounded like wedding bells and as long as you danced, it was like it never ended.

How just thinking of your true love should make you weep and I never really believed in it, not with Nicholas... nothing in my life had felt like chance, more like good karma. I didn't understand how her and Abuelito could dance all night long, how she raved about feeling safe in his arms when he was too old to protect himself let alone her.

She talked to his picture everyday after he'd gone, completely at peace.

She stood strong at the funeral because she knew that he felt her love until his death and how she could still feel him there. She'd promised herself to him and ever since, no man had ever been near.

I didn't understand any of it until I'd met him. I didn't want any of that until I found it.

And now, I didn't want anything more.

Isaiah smiled, my skin wet and cold once he'd pulled away. "What? Am I actually kinda bad at this and you've been lying to me this whole time to spare my feelings?" He was laughing but I saw confusion hidden in it and I knew I was being confusing again. I knew that me not fully dealing with all of my issues was weighing heavy on him and I was struggling to care.

I felt bad for not caring.

But he'd been doing that thing again where he'd make me coffee in the morning, and pass me a thermos when I was heading out the door. And he was kissing me more and it started to feel like something, something that I had no desire to continue. Maybe moving in with the person you first slept with after breaking up with the love of you life wasn't the best idea.

But it was going fine, it was perfect until I'd stupidly invited my ex back in, I shouldn't have even went, I should've ignored Jade when she texted and invited me and I should've stayed home. I shouldn't have invited love to step back through my door, not when I hadn't created a good piece since he left.