Alone [manxman]

twenty-three:: when you find a new normal.

[Sandcastles by Beyoncé]

COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT.

TWENTY-THREE: when you find a new normal.

"Do you regret it?" We were sitting on the couch again, we always seemed to return back to previous comforts. He was leaning on his side, turned towards me, shoes at the door to signal he'd be there for a long time. His eyes were on mine and it was so normal, so calm and serene and maybe I was in a euphoric state.

I didn't want to take into account that this was probably a one time thing.

Paul's brows knitted together, head leant on his hand, elbow on the back of the couch and he was turned towards me. His lashes fluttered quickly and my heart followed suit. "Do I regret what? Us?" When I nodded, his nose scrunched up, that same cute way it always did. "Why would I ever regret that?"

His voice was soft, sweet and charming as usual, it was the reason everyone was in love with him.

I missed moments like this, moments where it felt like nothing could touch us and I intended to hold onto it for as long as he let me. He seemed confused, as if my question was completely absurd.

"Because we hurt each other."

He shrugged then and I wondered how we got to this point. "The person I was with you is the person I wanna be."

"So, it's based off self-interest?"

The laugh he let out then was so pretty. "So, classifying yourself as a writing major both extended your vocabulary and made you pretentious?"

I was blushing, it shooting up my neck and warming my cheeks, the man in front of me was laughing harder now and I knew somehow, we'd be okay. "Shut up."

And we sat silent for a second.

I pushed all the prospective pain to the side. Even if we didn't end the way I wanted, even if this ended heartbreakingly, I didn't mind.

I didn't want to push this away because I knew it might cost me later, I was content because he seemed as lost as I did. Paul seemed so completely careless and willing to fall into this feeling, maybe those were our best moments. Maybe our love thrived when expectations were disregarded.

"You helped me forgive myself for a lot of things, you taught me how to trust someone again." The smile he wore turned sad, it holding so many memories I figured were gone by now and Paul was staring into my eyes. "And because of that, I'm a better person."

I'm better because of you.

"I'm lucky to have met you when I did, I'd like to think you feel the same."

I'm kind because of you.

"I do."

I focused so much on the bad with us that I barely even remembered the good and that wasn't fair to him. Paul had always loved me so kindly and so, so patiently and without fault. It would be cruel for me to forget that.  "Do you still trust me?"

"I do."

There was something I wanted to know and maybe it was selfish to ask but sitting here with him already felt like a dream, it was best to let everything out now. "When... you and Isaiah-" He already saw where it was going, I was sure, his lip tugged into his mouth and I couldn't stop now, "do you love him?"