Alone [manxman]

four:: when you let go of limits.

[Don't Panic by Years and Years]

FOUR: when you let go of limits.

Tight, curly hair fanned out over my pillow, slim, freckled shoulder peeking out of a white duvet. I tried to close my eyes.

I did, I tried to sleep the night prior but something about our conversation had kept me up, that and finishing a bottle next to Isaiah. I got giggly for a few hours, passed out on the couch but woke with a start around six am.

I hated sleeping alone.

Rilee was more than welcoming, really, I wasn't sure how I stayed mad at her in the first place. She'd stirred for a second, groggy and moved to pull me closer.

And she knew without any words.

She'd tucked herself into my chest, wrapping her arms tightly around my torso. My best friend had always been good at that, when she heard me breathing a little too hard, nights when we shared a room.

YouTube trips where we shared a room, even road trip motels at the beginning before we'd started making any money.  She'd slip into bed beside me and hug me until early morning mourning turned to subtle slumber.

In those moments, Rilee was my best friend, she was the best friend I had.

She'd turned over, onto her other side, manicured hands laced together and wedged underneath her head. Her bun was perched on one side from all the turning she'd done and it was somewhat amusing.

She offered a small, closed mouth smile.

I reciprocated and we sat like that for a minute.

Since my workload had lifted from LightofDay, I'd slept more often than before. Waking up was always easy for me, when I wasn't extremely busy the night before. I realized a lot in those days between sheets with Julian that I was a morning person.

I'd wake up, and my eyes would trace the contours of his face. There was something innocent about him then. He looked so angelic when he slept, so content and it was a welcomed break from the pain he always endured.

That was something he called weird when he'd woken up one day, laughing in my gaze. And in less romantic words, he told me that I sounded like a serial killer.

But there was melody in the way birds chirped in the morning, there was a soft song playing in my head when I saw him, when I woke up and re-realized that I'd be able to wake up to him every day. I brushed my fingertips over his freckled skin, smiling small and wished him good morning.

He'd purse his lips demanding to be kissed and fall back asleep in seconds.

The memory was heartbreaking at times, remembering anything about him normally was but at that moment, it felt calming.  It was fondly, at least, that much I knew. I remembered disguising my admiring because the way he loved was often in nervous jokes, nervous laughing.

The way he loved me sometimes was so hesitant because he hadn't loved himself much and I knew.

Rilee stirred for a second, turning to her back. More light peaked in through my curtains, illuminating her skin, she kept her eyes closed though it was obvious she was awake and I could tell where this was going.

Her voice was softer then, like she knew that she caught me in the middle of a memory. "How long have you been up?"

"Not long."

She hummed, it somewhat methodical. Something about Rilee that drove me up the wall was her calculating nature. She could always read the situation, could always read the people around and it was often scary.