Alone [manxman]

four:: when love means saying i'm sorry.

[Isaiah; Session 32 by Summer Walker]

FOUR: when love means saying i'm sorry.

"Isaiah."

He looked confused at first, eyes flickering down at the weight that smashed into his chest and he paused. It was silent as soon as his name left my mouth, the idea that he wasn't even phased by me running into him so abruptly, he hadn't moved much and that made me self-conscious.When he'd finally realized who I was, his arms had crossed, the muscle there jumping out at me. He'd always intimidated me and it didn't matter if he were behind a register or in Paul's house, "didn't know you were back."

If possible, my stomach dropped to my knees, I could feel them start to shake with the panic building in my body and I balled my hands into fists redirecting if for a while. Isaiah was angry now and I understood it more than I cared to... when you had Paul, you wanted to hold on, he was someone that deserved the world. Just that smile would have you hooked and I already felt the pain of losing him. I was stepping in and fucking this up too, Paul was happy.

I messed him up, I fucked him up and he was happy now. He was okay without me, he was better than okay; I shouldn't have came back.

Seeing me coming out of his room, of course I understood how this guy felt, I would've felt like the world caved in on itself. I would have retreated back into the hatred I knew all too well; I would've felt my heart break if it wasn't already there.

I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore. "Just for the weekend, i-it's my sister's birthday." My voice was weaker than I wanted it to be; locking my lips together, I tried to stop them from quivering. Only second later, Isaiah rolled his eyes, as if what I was saying didn't make any sense at all.

His teeth were gritted and in two months, he was probably in love with Paul. I was. "Why'd you bring Paul a present, then?" His voice had a laugh in it but I could tell from his face, he didn't mean that shit, he wasn't amused in the slightest and I felt dumber than ever.

Go away, go away, go away.

His eyes on me were unwavering and he was so confident, it made me uncomfortable. The idea that he was even here gave him leverage,  especially when my shirt was in my hands and in just a tee shirt, Isaiah was definitely more built than I was... and he went to art school, I was a college athlete and this guy looked so much better than me physically, it kind of made me sick.

I was stammering, pushing my shirt over my body, my eyes burning with unshed tears, maybe it was embarrassment but I could feel anger in my chest. I wasn't sure if I was mad at Isaiah or myself. Why did I believe him? Why?

Why the fuck did he say he loved me? He knew who we were, he knew what he was doing.

A body behind me nearly made me jump out my skin but his voice had me sinking back in, he calmed me. "Back off." I wasn't sure who he was talking to, not at first but Paul's cheeks were nearly as red as mine when he'd brushed past. His hand had curled around my wrist then, pulling me out of where I'd frozen and he didn't meet Isaiah's eyes.

The taller guy had done as requested, stepping back in one long stride, arms still crossed over his chest but at the adamancy in Paul's voice, his roommate -boyfriend, whatever- scoffed. "He was just leaving." Paul was looking at the floor now, eyes on his sweatpants that were so big they covered his stock-clad feet. It reminded me of past-Paul, the silhouette engulfing him up, his hair as ruffled as could be with the curls being so short, he was shifting uncomfortably, scratching the back of his neck with his free hand and he still hadn't let me go.

His voice was solid as he inched past Isaiah and that somewhat made me feel better. "I'll drive you."

But the way Isaiah stood where he was, his eyes downcast, it made me feel guilty. Here I was stumbling out of the room of the guy he lived with, the guy he slept with and there was no doubt in what was happening. No matter how hurt I felt, I knew he felt worse, he hadn't had a warning, none at all. "I'll call an Uber." I didn't want to complicate anything else, I wasn't sure why I said yes on going there in the first place, Paul wasn't my boyfriend anymore.