Alone [manxman]

fourteen:: when you finally fall apart.

[It Will Come Back by Hozier]

TRIGGER WARNING: this one's just crazy sad.

FOURTEEN: when you finally fall apart.

My hand was still on fire by the time I realized that I might've actually had to do something about it. I was sitting there on the ground, head against the wall and above me, there was a small dent where I'd punched. I was crying, that much was obvious with my bottom lip in my mouth and my breathing heavy. I cradled my hand, trying to move it remembering when I'd broken my hand years back.

They said if you couldn't move it, it was probably broken and although, it was excruciating... I could move it, at least a little. Reaching over to the bench, I grabbed my roll of athletic tape, compression would help. I started at my fingers, trying not to wince too much when I semi-straightened them out. It was starting to bruise, turning a purple-ish color near the knuckles and I definitely would need to get it checked out.

Stopping once the pain became unbearable, I felt my knees shaking and I would've fallen if I wasn't already sitting. I could feel it spike through my body, my breath coming out shaky and I clenched my other hand as if to divert it.

"Fuck," I breathed through my nose, my breath hitching when pain shot up my spine. I was trying not to think too much about it, tell myself everything would be okay and that I would be fine but my practice schedule was running through my mind and I knew that I couldn't miss another one yet, I'd already missed a practice the day before.

Tears rolled down my face as I tasted metal and I knew I'd split my lip. Licking over the slight wound, I stared down at the worst one, taking a deep breath as I finished moving my fingers to meet each other and then I was wrapping the athletic tape tightly. I held my breath.

This all wouldn't have fucking happened if I just went to class on time. I shouldn't have went on a fucking date, my life was falling apart and I was angry.

I was fucking livid with my situation, mad at myself and the world and the rush of it scared me. I was pulling it a little too tight then, breathing harsher and I could feel pain but it barely burned for a split second, my hand holding tightly onto the roll of tape, watching my fractured fingers twitch and I bit into the rip on the skin of my lip.

Focusing on that made the world go away for a second, especially when I'd loosened my grip, the flushed skin of my exposed fingers whitening again on briefly and then pain coursed through me, my mind wiping.

All I could focus on was that, only watching my skin return back to it's bruised color, my jaw clenching as I sat there.

The pain was so intense then that my eyes screwed shut, my teeth biting down hard and the tears pricking my eyes were rolling down my face. "Fuck!" I was sobbing then, trying to swallow it back and I'd dropped the roll of athletic tape clenched in my hand, throwing my head into the crook of my elbow and I could feel the pain in my chest.

My phone rang, Sullivan's name flashing across the screen and I didn't even want to answer.

I didn't even want him to have my number, I hated that he had my number. How selfish was that? Leading him on the way I did and then just blocking him completely out when I realized I couldn't do it.

I wasn't ready for any of it.

Then I was thinking of how fucked up it was for me to use him the way I did and how I always used everyone.

I sat like that for a while, sat like that until it came close to the time for the rest of the team to roll in for practice and with a heavy sigh, I wiped my face, standing to my shaky feet and picked up the athletic tape.