Alone [manxman]

two:: when you revisit your roots.

ITS ALMOST 2019 SO THAT COUNTS, RIGHT?

[Julian; Waves by Normani and 6lack]

TWO: when you revisit your roots.

Michigan was exactly how I left it but somehow it didn't feel the same.

Everything just felt empty, like a light had blown out and no one had the care to replace it. He hadn't gone far, only a few towns over and I was still afraid to run into him. It'd been way too awkward our last encounter that even stepping foot into Brighton felt overly nostalgic and all too real. Being so far away, it was easy to subside the guilt and push away the hurt but the minute I'd gotten off the plane, I felt that same sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

My dad had met me at the airport, he wasn't in his work attire and his clothing was more casual than I'd expected. So many things had changed and with the distance, it felt somewhat drastic; I hadn't been home since Christmas and his beard had grown out as did his hair. I'd never seen my dad without a haircut, not since I was little and it was slightly weird to see that it curled at the ends.

That he looked so much younger and full of life.

In sweatpants and a t-shirt at noon, he'd wrapped his arms around me, them feeling firmer than I last remembered. He'd been working out and I was sure it had everything to do with his new girlfriend.

Since the divorce, he hadn't done much in the realm of finding someone to love him the way he deserved to be loved. My father had wasted so much of his own time caring about me that he didn't date much not even once my mother had moved on to some man in her congregation. Four months prior, he'd started to date this woman named Andria and I hadn't seen his smile that bright since my parents' last anniversary before my coming out. He was in love and I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

But I knew I was supposed to be happy for him, I knew a part of me was, and I knew that when he held me a little longer, it was mostly for me. "Hey." He'd finally spoken when he pulled away, his voice chipper and smile bright. "I missed you." There was something so different about him then, something much calmer and a self-resentment had surfaced before being quickly and adamantly pushed away.

The thought that he'd been happier since my departure had lingered, still.

"I missed you too, Dad." My words weren't as soft as before, I'd gotten better at faking contentment, he didn't understand just how sincere that was. I missed him like hell, I was so lonely and I didn't think I'd be able to handle it if he hadn't been able to pick me up from the airport.

I didn't like to acknowledge that though, how close I was to a breakdown at all times. At least once a day, I'd feel my throat close up and I hadn't really cried in a while, I was sure that him not being there would hurt more than it should've. I felt so much safer in Michigan now, being someplace else really made me appreciate the serenity of a small town. California was so big and so busy and there was always something going on around me. "How's college, city boy?"

I didn't have much to say about it, not since the stress had been eating me alive. He didn't need to know that though, that classes were bad and my mental health was worse, that the only thing I was good at just so happened to be riddled with dozens of other amazing soccer mvps picked from their own alma maters across the country and so on.

He didn't need to know that I was struggling immensely and I didn't feel the need to tell him, not now, not when he was looking at me like this.

So I shrugged, plastering a smile on my face, only telling him bits and pieces about assignments I'd done okay on, games I'd played in. He looked proud, just like he had since I'd walked across the stage and if that was the only consistent thing in my life besides this ache in my chest... I intended to hold on.