Alone [manxman]

five:: when you attempt to forget.

[Wren; Rendezvous by Years &Years]

FIVE: when you attempt to forget.

Sleeping with Wren was fun normally, he was fun even if we didn't talk much but since Paul, it didn't feel the same. He was cool to fuck, that wasn't the problem but something about his hands on me made me feel slightly dirty and the fact that he didn't mind absolutely no real conversation was what normally got me... what had me consistently sleeping with him- the fact that I didn't have to work hard because he wasn't anything more than a quick fuck- it was now the reason I felt bad.

I was starting to regret starting this but even then, I couldn't stop calling him. I couldn't think about the severity of cutting ties with Paul when I was fucking someone else. I couldn't think of him at all because thinking about him hurt too much. I thought getting rid of the ring was supposed to help more than it did and... yeah it wasn't a constant reminder anymore, but now the last time I'd seen him was what kept me up at night.

I could still feel his fingertips on my skin, still feel an ache in my chest, the weight of that pain was still heavy and it had been weeks. My heart was broken, worse than it had ever been but for some reason, I was numb more than anything and that had to be the only thing that kept me solid. I had been in my depressive state, this same sadness for too long and I was trying to navigate a way out, even if that meant doing nothing at all. Numb was better than hurt, I was discovering.

My body felt sluggish, maybe it was all the extra hours in the gym these past weeks, I didn't want to give myself time to think, I didn't want time to myself because that only proved to be destructive. I couldn't be alone because that would fuck me up more so I was spending more time on cardio in and out of the gym, I was fucking Wren more often because of it... and spending more time inside him was giving the wrong idea, I was sure.

"You feelin' okay?" Wren's voice was soft, pulling me back and I hadn't realized that my hands were shaking. I hadn't realized that I wasn't okay until he'd asked and he seemed worried, even if he tried to hide it. It was something we didn't acknowledge, that even if we were fucking, if something was off, we noticed... we'd slept together so long that I could tell something was off when he didn't have the same chipper attitude, or when he didn't want prep, I knew there was something happening in his life even if I didn't acknowledge it.

But Wren wasn't like me, even if he didn't like me, he still tried to look out for me. That was weird.

"What?"

His voice was soft when challenged, he wasn't normally like that. Wren never had a problem with repeating himself, especially not when I was almost daring him to, he was a bottom but he was everything but submissive and I kind of liked that about him. He was never afraid to tell me when things were off, but now he was soft-spoken, he was dancing around me like I was fragile and that left a gritty taste in my mouth.

I didn't need someone to look out for me, I could handle myself but everyone around me had been worried and I was starting to think the problem was in me. Even when I wasn't hurting, I was still giving everyone the impression that I was, Danny had lingered back a little longer that morning before going out with his friends, making sure I was good even if he didn't say anything and Jade had called me twice a day now.

But I was fine, I was better than fine, I was doing okay and I didn't think about him anymore, I didn't need to.

So I rolled my eyes when he didn't respond and maybe that counteracted this little shy game we were playing because he'd looked down, releasing me and he was just standing in front of me now. He was in his lacy underwear and we were in his apartment, it had to be the second time I'd been there and almost naked, I felt even more self-conscious than normal. For some reason, we'd been in his living room and not his bedroom and I knew he had a roommate.