Alone [manxman]

eighteen: when you're more than a friend

JULIAN

There's tension when Rilee asks to speak with me. Not in the room, I try not to let it show that I'm somewhat annoyed with her. Landon's striking up a conversation that I know was agreed upon before she walked over to me.

She's grabbing my wrist gingerly, pulling me away. We leave the living room and head out to the patio and I'm laughing a little at how many conversations are had out here. That's the point of a deck, isn't it?

Rilee bounces on her toes, pulls her curls off her shoulder and ties her hair into a bun. I agree, I was tempted to as well, it was a sort of wet heat that hung in the air.

She sits on the banister.

Not on a chair, she sat on the edge of my deck next to a planter.

And she looks up at the sky.

"What's up?" I offer. It's dark now, a firefly buzzes by her bare knee, and brown skin glows under the light. She smiles at me, softly, closed lipped, it feels fake.

"Hi Jules."

"Hi."

"I missed you."

She's acting like there's no hidden agenda behind bringing me outside. Rilee wanted to talk, about everything and I'm sliding the glass door closed.

"How are you?" She asks.

"I'm good, how are you, Rilee?"

"I'm good." She shrugs. She's buzzing around the subject and I'm not keen on being outside. I wonder what they're talking about. Through the glass, I can see Paul finding his way to the couch.

Ben follows and they're making conversation. I realize that she's watching me so I step back.

I turn to meet her eyes.

Something in the small talk is making me nervous, she's being so cryptic. "Is that all?"

"No, I mean I just wanted to check in with you, so."

"About Wren?"

She looks at me then, surprised, "I mean sure."

"I don't think it's any of your business but nothing's going on."

"You can think that, I think you don't see what you're doing because you're angry at him but-"

It's patronizing, I wonder if she thinks it sounds better than it does but it feels like she's never respected me enough to have a straight conversation.

I lived in their place, I partied with them, I didn't know he was an alcoholic.

She partied with him, she knew it was wrong. And she's telling me that I'm doing damage?

"Rilee, I really respect whatever you think you're doing," I try. I can see her bartering, it feels familiar. "But-"

"Is it more?" She's asking about Wren, it's as neutral as can be. "If it's more you need to be honest."

"I love Paul."

"You can love someone and not be in love with them."

I'm so in love with the parts of him that matter that the parts that I don't... they don't matter. Not enough.

"I'm just mad at him. You need to be mad at him too. You think this is about Wren? You think it's because I don't love him? It's been going on for way longer."

"Im just saying you shouldn't bring the pixie to his show."

Deflecting, she's refocusing on why she's mad and avoiding the big picture. Maybe her loyalty to their relationship is what keeps her stagnant but from... anecdotal evidence, that is the exact thing he doesn't need.