Alone [manxman]

twenty-one:: when you try to pile something good in all the bad.

TWENTY-ONE

"I apologize." That's Paul. It's been fifteen minutes of standing outside, chilling licking bones. They've been standing attached for too long. Jules is standing apart.

He's - I'm looking at him. My love stands sunk into me, he's distancing himself from that pain again, I try to take it as a warning.

I've been trying to read more, and research things I don't know. I don't know how to navigate pain like this.

I don't understand the look on his face, or how easily he's pulled himself together after hearing the news. One breakdown and he's good, is that normal? Is that how normal brains work?

He seems angry. Then he seems remorseful. He doesn't seem cognizant.

I blame it on the stress of the evening. I see him as he is.

I don't say anything.

I don't know what he's apologizing for.

"I'm sorry that you felt you couldn't tell me," he gets out, soaked in tears. He doesn't have much else to give, his body's limp. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Baby-"

He doesn't wanna hear what I have to say, it's like he's been thinking about this for a while.

"I'm sorry that I put you through that." He sounds pained. "That I made you feel unsafe... or like I would... I-I wouldn't- I would never put my hands on you, Jules, you have to know that. I don't ever wanna fight with you like that again." He's shaking his head. He's staring into my eyes like he hasn't seen me in months.

Then I remember trying to distance myself, to avoid that pain. I tried to be happy enough that he felt he could break in front of me.

I want to forgive him, I remember that my therapist told me to stick firm on my boundaries so I don't say it's okay. It's not okay but I hold him a bit longer, and let him rest on me. I feel the weight of all of it just fall off, and we're standing there in an embrace for so long it feels like the guys will make it back soon.

I know I'll have to let him go. I don't want to, I don't want to be apart from him ever again.

"I've been sick for days over it, you have to know that. I'm so sorry I let you feel like... I can't, we can't go that far, I-I'm sorry I didn't try enough to work through it." He reminds, through choked-up tears. I know he feels the hurt now, it looms over us and finds a home between our chests. "I love you so much."

He's sniffling, and stepping back, trying to wipe tears as Ben loops around, and now Brandon's looking at me.

And he's nodding, some silent message of understanding. He's smiling, it's sad. It's all so morose and I'm trying to guide a dazed Paul back to me.

I'm trying to catch his gaze, he's zoned out. He doesn't exist beyond this pain he is right now and I try not to make it worse.

It kills me to see him so lost.

"P-"

He's quiet when Brandon stands a bit closer, feeling like he can sink into himself. He's looking down, eyes married to the asphalt. Benji tosses an arm over his shoulder.

And then we're all hugging him. It's hard, heads at the same level, shoulders knocking each other but we try. We try to put Paul in the middle, I feel warm hands on my back, a soft chill brushing through crisping on the side of my neck.

We hear Landon a moment before he's barreling towards us, almost knocking us out in a clean strike. He's laughing, and now everyone's letting out sad chuckles, bodies on bodies, and Lanny's rambling about how much love there is.