Alone [manxman]

twenty: when you try, like really try

IF IT KILLS ME, I TRIED

I wasn't a drinker.

That much was clear in the way my hips instinctively gained a sway, it was embarrassing really, being so loose after half a glass of wine. I decided to sit and watch Pablo do what he did best. I'm drinking white wine, I've never really done that.

I feel older.

I feel like a man, now, really. Everything means more.

The brightness in his eyes is sharp.

I wondered how he kept it together, three hours ago he was a mess. He was sanding art in a hurry, rushing about the bones of the museum, ordering Ben and me around.

It all panned out perfectly.

Ben's here, pressed to my side, big eyes, even bigger smile. He's holding a cheese plate that we both have picked over. I hate feeling guilty for trying to let loose. Everything feels like so fucking much.

I try to sober up when I remembered. I realized a bit more these days that I could catch myself when I start to feel loose, I knew one or two glasses would almost always be my limit.

I didn't drink liquor.

I try to reel it back, and realize how level-headed I need to be to speak with him later. This night was about him and I needed to be at top shape if we were gonna get through it. I need to be present, just in case he isn't.

I don't need to make it worse.

The way he looks, it makes me nervous. He always looks like he's gonna break these days.

"Stop overthinking." It's a whisper.

Pressed into the shell of my ear.

I feel comfort in the way Ben talks to me.

I'm watching Paul, he's pacing back and forth, he steps to turn and look at his work. He has a lot going on, it shows mentally. He shakes his head and then this guy is nodding in answer, this random guy with some stupid beanie and a patchwork suit.

His eyes were this bright, bright blue, He staring over my man as they continue to speak. Paul doesn't look too wound tight, he's speaking, that's what calms me, he hasn't quieted. He's been so quiet these days. The conversation is short and quick, I try to watch for it to become uncomfortable.

Ben's smiled at me now, eyes raking the side of my face.

He's needy, I haven't seen that before and I'm sure it's because of Wren. He's never really nervous, maybe it's the energy in the air. Wren keeps teasing the situation, and I'm sure he doesn't think I know.

He's dancing fingers over Ben's arm when he can, lingering close, t's subtle and it stops my friend in his tracks.

He seems nervous when they touch, I can't read his eyes.

Some part of it feels like... internalized, I don't judge that. He's never really been romantic focused and Wren likes to stand so close.

He's spent more than the last hour in other exhibits, steering clear. That was enough to keep the tension down and Ben's so pressed to my side I'm getting claustrophobic.

"What do you think they're talking about?" He asks. His voice is liqoured up. It feels like the last six months.

The guy talking to Paul looks familiar, we've been here for three hours now, I've seen him probably... maybe that's my mind making up scenarios or the dreamer inside fabricating the whole thing.