Not a Homosexual (Homestuck fanfic: DaveKat)

Love Tips

Dave's POV

It's been a week since the fire incident. I'm just really glad because everything is back to normal. The apartment is back, Karkat and I are going really smooth, and there is a bottle of apple juice in the fridge.

Life is just so pretty. Pretty ironic. I can't believe life escalated so quickly. Like..fuck..I don't know.. Karkat and I were at the kitchen. He was sitting on the counter and I was leaning on the counter. I was playing with Karkat's hair while he was eating Doritos. I was having a pleasant time until Bro came in, looking like a mess, he said he has bad news. Don't worry, I checked the fridge, my apple juice is still there.

"Dammit," Bro said, punching the wall. "Remember the psycho bitch I dated?"

Karkat ignored him and crumpled the now empty bag of Doritos. I looked at Bro. "Yeah, I remember her." I raised my eyebrow at him.

"Well..she found me at Walmart."

~Flashback~

Bro's POV

I'm here at Walmart, looking for shit. I walked around, minding my own business, checking out the video games.

I was looking at the left 4 dead case until I heard someone call my name. I turned around and saw a psycho.

"Nope, I'm gone." I was about to run away until she held my hands.

"I knew that I would find you the next next next next next next next day! Did you miss me?" She smiled. I kept a stoic face and escaped her grip. I ran away and she chased me. God dammit!

A worker stopped me and Miranda hugged me from the back. "Sorry sir, no running." When he turned his back, I mouthed a 'Fuck you' and flipped him off.

Miranda scratched my back and whispered in my ear "No more running away.." I stepped on her foot and escaped again. I ran to the exit and looked back, she wasn't chasing me, she was throwing her sandals at me. The fuck is wrong with this woman?!?

I dodged one and caught the other. When I reached the exit, I threw the sandal and it hit her directly on the nose.

"Ow! Shit!"

"Haha! Gotcha bitch!!" I yelled mentally.

I ran to the direction of the apartment and she followed me. I jumped on the tree and watched her running to god knows where. I jumped down from the tree and ran to the apartment.

"Oh there you are!" I heard Miranda say.

I didn't look back and just kept on running to the apartment. My thoughts when I was running:

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.

~Flashback over~

Dave's POV

"So..she's outside our apartment?" I asked, getting Karkat's trash and throwing it away in the trash bin.

Bro shook his head and sighed. "I don't know.. I need to think of a plan to make her know I'm really gay." I shrugged. "How am I supposed to help you?"

Bro smiled, walked to me and held my shoulders "That's it! Your gay powers can help me!"

I gave him the 'Fuck no' face. "No way man, I'm not going to pretend to be your 'lil bro boyfriend'. That's incest shit."

Karkat's POV

I heard the Striders' conversation and tensed. Strider is going to what?!? I got down from the counter and pushed the lusus away from Strider.

"Hell. Fucking. No. You shitty bastard." I growled. I heard Strider chuckle behind me. I turned around and he wrapped his arms around me- FUCK HE'S TALL.

"Don't worry Karkat, I'm yours, your mine." He smirked.

"Yeah and I want it to fucking stay like that." I said, preparing for a kiss on the cheek.

Strider turned his head to the right and I kissed his cheek-

"SQUEAL~~~~ AC is so purroud of what she has done!!"

"What you have done? Pleathe. Correction. What we have done."

Strider and I looked at the living room and saw..Nepeta and Sollux?! Why the fuck are they here?

"Ooh!! It's a neko troll!!" Lusus yelled.

Strider kept quiet and let me go. "Trolls or things better stop cockblocking us." He whispered.

I walked to Nepeta and asked "Why are you guys fucking here?!?" I crossed my arms.

"We were supawsed to get you two togefur but I see you guys are already matesprits." Nepeta said, clapping.

"Hey, we didn't teleport here for nothing. We may thtill help them. Like..give them love tipth." Sollux went beside me.

I looked at Sollux from head to toe. I pointed to his neck and said "Why the fuck are you wearing Eridan's scarf?"

"That thtory ith for another day." He simply said. Sollux went away and sat on the couch.

Nepeta grabbed my hands "Pawllux is right. We could give you guys love tips.After all..we are the love expurrts"

The lusus went to Nepeta and smiled. "Love experts?! Shit! You guys can help me! Listen, there's this psycho bit-" He got cut off be Strider who pushed him. "No! Just..shut up! No one cares about your problems here! Go to your room, Bro!"

"What?! You can't tell your own big bro to go to his room!"

"Well you can't ask your lil bro to pretend to date you!"

And they left the three of us in the living room. Nepeta led me to the couch and grinned. We sat down, I was in the middle, Sollux was at my left, and Nepeta was at my right.

I cleared my throat and said "Love tips? Love fucking tips?!?"

"Yeah, we don't want you guyth to have problemth or shit. Tho, we are giving you tipth on how to have the perfect relationship. We are the betht love expertth ever." Sollux said proudly. He smirked at me and placed his elbow on the arm of the couch.

Nepeta crossed her arms. "Hehe, we might even get you to the 'next level'." She said, wiggling her eyebrows.

Sollux and I looked at each other frantically, we looked back at Nepeta.

"WHAT THE HELL?!?"
"THE FUCK, AC!!"

She giggled. "I'm joking!"