Finding Jaime

Chapter 31

Jaime POV

I knew I was being stupid. Pete - Dad - and Meagan had been nothing but awesome, really. And I don't really know why I'm so embarrassed that Mom and I didn't have a lot of money. Sure, Dad is obviously rich. But it's not his fault Mom and I weren't. Sure, I wanted to blame him, but I guess really, it's Mom's fault he didn't help us. She never told him about me.  I felt angry again. I missed 15 years with my dad because of her.  I missed having two brothers and a little sister because of her. She'd kept him away from me. 

Dad wasn't to blame for any of this. Mom was.

I looked at the picture of her on my night table and my anger intensified.

"How could you?" I asked the photo, angrily. "How could you know who my dad was all this time and keep him away from me?"

She didn't answer. I picked up the frame and threw it against the wall. I heard glass shatter and felt a little better. But still so angry. I rolled over on my bed and punched the pillow and mattress.

"Jaime?" I heard Dad outside my door. "Are you okay?"

I didn't answer. I heard him open the door.

"Jaime!" He came rushing over. "Did you break something? I heard something crash."

I couldn't turn over to face him just yet. I kept my face in my pillow and screamed in anger.

"Jaime, talk to me," Dad said.

I was in a blind rage. I couldn't stop screaming and punching the bed and pillows. Dad kept imploring me to do so, but I was still just so angry.

Dad stayed by my side while I raged. Finally I tired.

"Wow," Dad said. "What was that all about?"

"How could she?" I asked him, knowing he wouldn't know the answer.

"How could who what?"

"How could Mom keep me from you? And you from me?  She knew you're my dad. She knew. And she kept us apart!"

"She must have had her reasons," Dad said.

"Like what?!" I demanded.

"I wish I knew. Maybe she wanted to prove to herself she could raise you on her own.  I can tell you, when you were born, when she was pregnant with you, I definitely wasn't in a place to be responsible for a baby. I would have stepped up if she had told me. I suspect she knew I wasn't really in the right place to do so, but I would have. Like I told you before, we were just about to head out on tour. We'd just had our big break and she broke up with me. I don't know if she wanted to, I don't know, let me go with no worries hanging over my head?  I can't explain it. I don't know what she was thinking.  I can't change the past, Jaime, but I can help with the future."

"I'm trying really hard not to be mad at you, because I know it's not your fault you didn't know. But I'm so mad at Mom. I mean, we weren't poor, but, well, you saw what she left."

"Jaime, did your mom love you?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Did she feed you, clothe you, put a roof over your head?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Did she take you on vacations? To the park? To the beach?  Did she stay up and help you with homework, even though you could tell she was exhausted?"

"Yeah," I said, quietly. "Well, not vacations. Really. We couldn't afford much, but we went to Disneyland and stayed there once."

"Did your mom love you?"

"I guess so," I said.

"I'll ask you again. Did your mom love you?" Dad said.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Did you ever feel like you were missing out on things?"

"Not really. Sometimes, when I was little and Father's Day came around, I wondered where my dad was. And why she'd never tell me anything about him."

"Did you ask?" Dad asked.

"A few times. She'd just tell me you weren't ready to be a dad when I was born. That's it. Nothing else. Even if I asked who you were."

Dad sighed.

"Jaime, I can't apologize for not being in your life because that wasn't my choice. But I can do my best to make sure you know you are very much loved and wanted in this family now. The kids adore you, Meagan loves you and me, well, I think you're okay."

I turned my head to look at Dad.

"Just okay?" I asked.

"Yeah," he smirked. "Just okay. I mean, you'd be perfect if you didn't look so damn much like her. Jaime, she was a beautiful woman. I loved her very much. I was heartbroken when she broke up with me. I would have proposed to her after the tour. I had planned to. But by the time we got back, she had moved from her apartment, changed her number and never contacted me again."

I turned over onto my back, put my hands behind my head and looked at Dad.

"Did you ever look for her?" I asked.

"I did. I asked her old roommates, the girls where she worked at the time, she'd quit her job at the market and no one knew where she'd gone. Or, if they did, they weren't saying."

I looked up at the ceiling and sighed.

"Don't be mad at her, Jaime. For one, she can't defend herself now. And second, it's wasted energy," Dad said.

"I know," I said. "But right now, I'm just so mad. I don't understand anything. Why did any of this happen?"

Dad didn't answer. What was he going to say? He didn't have the answers either.