Finding Jaime

Chapter 94

Jaime POV
I couldn't find it. It was gone! I couldn't find it!

I was certain I'd had it earlier.

People were telling me they didn't have it. I couldn't find it and they weren't letting me look for it.

Dad came and was trying to ask me what it was I looking for. He knew. He had to.

Suddenly, I felt like my brain was trying to escape my head.

"Dad!" I screamed. Then everything went black.

I was floating. There was nothing around. No lights. No sounds. I felt nothing. I heard nothing. I saw nothing.

I wasn't even in that weird room I'd found myself in before. Where I'd seen my mom.

I stayed in that nowhere for, well, I don't know. I couldn't tell if time was passing or how fast or slow. 

Occasionally I'd see flashes of light but nothing concrete.

One ... day? I opened my eyes - I guess - and there I was.  In that room again. The black tiled room. I looked around. I didn't see anyone or hear anything.

"Hello?" I called out.

"Jaime," a voice said.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Jaime," the voice said again.

"That's my name. Now that we've established that, what?!"

"Can you hear me?" The voice said again. 

"Yes!  What do you want!" I asked.

"Jaime, can you see me?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Duh. No!"

"His eyes are open," the voice said.

"Yeah!" I called out. "They are! So what the fuck do you want?"

"He's not processing anything visually. He may be able to hear you. Keep talking to him."

"Why are you talking as if I'm not hearing you?"

"Jaime, wake up," a voice said.

"I'm not asleep!"

I could hear music now. Distorted, but music.  It was soothing despite the distortion. I sat against a wall in this weird black room. The tiles felt like... nothing.

"Jaime?" I heard a voice beside me. Turning my head, my mom was beside me.

"Mom?"

"Hi, baby," she said. I hugged her. She let me.

"Jaime!" I heard from around me and the room started shaking. I held on to my mom.

"Mom!" I said, scared.

"Shh, shh. It's okay.  It's okay. Ride it out. Just ride it out," she said.

The shaking stopped.

"Mom, what's happening?" 

"Well, I guess to some extent, that's up to you. You've fought so hard sweetheart. I know you have. You don't have to fight anymore. You can rest now."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

My mom looked at me sympathetically.

"Jaime, sweetheart, you know what I mean. It's time. You've fought so hard. But it's time for you to rest now."

"What do you mean?" I asked, standing up and crossing my arms across my chest.

"Jaime, you don't have to fight anymore. It's okay. You can rest. It's time to rest. Come, my baby. Come with me," she said, standing and putting her hand out for me.

"Come... where?" I asked. "I don't even know where I am now!"

"Yes you do. You've been here before. I've been waiting for you. And now it's time for you to come and be with me."

I looked around. The first time, I remembered about this room, was when I'd taken all those sleeping pills. The next time was after I started cancer treatments and got sick.

Was this what this was? Was I sick again? Was I dying?

"Am I dying?" I asked my mom. She averted her eyes.

"Mom?" I asked. "Am I dying?"

"You're fighting so hard, baby. But you don't have to anymore. If it's too hard, you can let go and come with me."

I frowned. I didn't want to die. I was on tour with Dad! We were getting along! I actually liked him!

"I don't want to die!" I cried at my mother. "I have too much to do still! I promised Marvel I'd read her bedtime stories! I promised Dad I was going to keep fighting! I can't die now!"

"Just a few months ago you wanted to. You said your father hated you. I know it wasn't true, but you came here to be with me. Now it's time. You can come be with me."

"I don't want to be with you! You gave up! I don't want to give up!"

"Are you sure?" Mom asked. I was crying. I wanted to live! I wanted to finish tour with Dad! I wanted to see Marvel and Saint and Bronx!

"I am! I don't want to die!" I was literally sobbing.

"Come here, my sweet boy," Mom said, opening her arms to me. I went in and sobbed into her shoulder. We sank to the floor as I continued to cry. Mom was running her fingers through my hair - I have hair here, apparently - as I sobbed like a little kid.

"It's okay, my brave boy. You're going to be okay. Mom's here and you're going to be okay. I love you very much. I know you will do great things. I miss you so much, Jaime."

"I miss you, too, Mom," I sobbed.

"I know. Remember. I'm always here for you," she said, putting her hand over my heart. I felt warmth spread through my body. I felt peaceful.

Mom kept running her fingers through my hair, hugging me, telling me I was going to be okay. I sobbed and sobbed until I fell asleep.

It was deep and dark but it felt like sleep.

I couldn't hear anything again. But I felt warm and I felt safe.