Love Without Uncertainty | JB | a.u | BWWM

Twenty.

The doctors kept their eyes in me for a few days in the hospital and after all of that, I was finally allowed to head home.

"Home" wasn't exactly a term I felt comfortable using anymore, when referring to Justin's house. I just called it that because the reality was that it was the only place I had to go.

Lewis drove Justin and I from the hospital and the car was as quiet as ever. Justin stayed in his own mind and all I could do was wonder what was going to happen as soon as we got back to the house.

I was mentally prepared to be kicked out. It was a survival thing-- before shit even hit the fan, I'd already disconnected myself from the possible realities-- I was always ready for the worst.

When Lewis parked the car in the yard, I expected to see my bags lined up at the door and a plane ticket waiting for me somewhere but, what I saw was Catherine plating up some food and no bags of mine anywhere in sight.

"Welcome home, Ms Banks," Catherine offered me a sympathetic smile.

I could only nod in response as I wrapped my shawl around my body. I felt exposed, like everyone knew what had happened.

"Mr Bieber," Catherine looked to her boss who had just about made it to the stairs. "Dinner's ready."

"I'm not hungry. Thank you, Catherine."

I frowned and stayed where I was. Usually, I'd take a plate up for Justin but I knew when I wasn't wanted.

Catherine tried to cheer me up by telling me what was on the menu and I tried to act interested. I knew I had to eat and take my antibiotics so I sat at the island and quietly had my dinner.

"Would you like something to drink?" Catherine offered when I pushed my plate aside.

"No thanks," I hopped off my seat. "I'm going to shower and sleep."

She nodded in understanding and watched me head up the stairs.

Since Justin wasn't in the bedroom, I knew he was in his study. I took to the bathroom, got out of my clothes and ran the water in the shower.

I couldn't move when I finally did step into the shower. I just stared at my body-- my torso-- and whimpered as unwanted, unpleasant memories of all the years I'd endured abuse, came over me like the cold water I stood under.

I let out some emotion and cried as I blamed myself, once again, for robbing myself of what could've been a blessing. I could've been a mother. I could've learned to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally.

I sank to the floor and brought my knees to my chest as I sobbed.

How could I have missed the fact that I'd been pregnant? I didn't notice any changes... how could I have been pregnant if my uterus was a mess? What was going on?

I picked myself up and turned the water off. I dried myself off and wrapped a robe around my body. I avoided the mirror because I couldn't stand to look at myself, and I went back to the bedroom to pick out my pyjamas.

Justin walked into the room looking just as he did at the hospital but I paid him no mind.

As soon as I finished getting dressed, I climbed into bed and, surprisingly, he did too.

I just wanted him to speak to me and hold me. I wanted him to tell me we'd be alright but he never did.

Day after day, Justin avoided me like the plague, only speaking to me when he really had to.

I stayed in and watched him leave for the office and come home really late. I kept myself busy by watching tv-- staring at it, rather-- and keeping my mind clear of hurtful thoughts like, Randy deserving to rot in hell for taking so much from me.

After almost a week of no contact or communication from Justin, I found myself moving back into the guest room and I'd had enough.

I heard Justin walk past the guest bedroom one night so I lifted my head from my pillow.

I'd been asleep. It was almost 10pm and he'd only just come home.

My feet touched the wooden floors and I made my way over to the study where I knew Justin was.

Sure enough, he'd just turned on his computer and was pouring himself a glass of whiskey when I walked in.

I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest as I walked towards his desk.

"Uhm," I croaked. "I need a favour from you, please? Just this one thing and I'll be out of your hair..." My voice trailed off.

I wasn't even looking at Justin as I spoke to him. My eyes were glued on a framed picture he had of us on his desk from the first time we'd been on his yacht together.

Happy moments. They'd all gone to shreds and I'd come to accept that the Dileah and Justin in the picture were gone. I was going to get myself out of the house before Justin asked me to.

"What do you want me to help you with?" Justin walked over to his desk.

A teardrop of mine had just landed on his desk but I quickly used the sleeve of my pyjama top to dry the rest.

"I'm leaving," I breathed in a deep breath of courage. "So, if you could book me a flight back to New York, I'd be more than happy."

Justin looked like he was seeing a ghost. This scene had happened in the past and here we were again.

"You wanna go back?" He placed his glass of whiskey down and licked his lips.

I simply nodded my head and crossed my arms again.

"Dileah," his fingers raked through his hair before he grabbed the roots out of frustration.

"Don't make this hard, Justin," I said, "we need some time apart. We need to figure out what's going on."

"You can't leave again," his voice cracked and I remembered why I hadn't said goodbye the last time.

"I have to. You hate me," I felt myself begin to cry too. "I need to go, Justin, because being here with you hurts so much right now."

"I'm sorry--"

I shook my head. "Please just book the flight, okay? For tomorrow. I need to be in New York tomorrow."

Justin ran his hands over his face as reality sunk in and he stared at me for a moment. It was as if he'd just been woken up.

Before I could get to crying and sobbing, I dashed for the guest bedroom to pack up before making a call to Ms Jones.

She was happy to hear my voice until she realised I was crying.

"I'm coming to New York," I told her, "I need you, Ms Jones. Please?"

She was quiet, maybe because she was thinking through all the things that could've possibly been happening to me on this side of the country, but she let me know where I'd find her key if I happened to get there before she knocked off.

"I can't wait to see you," I whimpered.