Accolade

chapitre trente et un

I wasn't sure I was alive. 

My lungs shrunk and expanded, bringing air into my blood and expelling that which I didn't need, keeping my organs alive. My heart beat, sluggishly as I woke, but it never quit. I was aware that I wasn't where I belonged and I didn't want to open my eyes. 

I was breathing but I had died inside. 

I was terrified of what would happen if I opened my eyes. I knew that I would see a white ceiling. Questions would rain upon me. I would see doctors faces. Nurses. People fighting to keep my body alive but my mind had abandoned me in this dark reality. Something inside of me was numb, completely detached from who I once was. 

Deja vu ripped me up. 

It was like I had fallen all over again. 

My heart cried in despair but my soul was quiet. 

They say that when you're in a great battle, it is never when the fight is loud that you should worry; it is when silence brings everything to a halt. When the men stop cheering, and the swords stop clashing. The battle is soon to be over when spirits fall and hopes diminish in the face of an undefeatable opponent; one that was never physical.

My opponent feasted on my body. 

And I'd fallen to silence. 

I never opened my eyes. I never wanted to face the reality of what happened because I knew it was bad. I didn't have to see my battered body to know my wounds were bleeding from the battle, and it was going to take one hell of a miracle to stitch me back together. I was glad I couldn't feel my leg or anything at all. Silence grew, my mind retreated. 

They must have me heavily medicated and for that I found myself slipping into the sweet embrace of darkness once again. 

x

When I woke for the second time, I was immediately grounded by someone holding my hand. 

Their grip was firm and yet soft. Comforting. They held onto me like they would hold me down when the winds of the hurricane tried to carry me away, like a flag ripped from its post and never seen again. Their thumb gently caressed the back of my hand, eliciting a sensation in my numb body, and it tossed the silence out. 

I could hear the shallow breathing of the person next to me. I could feel their pulse, evidence of their heart beating the same as mine. Maybe mine wouldn't give up because no matter how my body broke, it saw hope. That silly organ in my chest wouldn't let anything else win when its only purpose was to keep me alive. 

My eyes opened. 

At first, everything was blurry. There were distorted shapes that shifted and danced through my vision until I blinked a few times and realized they were tears. I had been crying in my sleep. My watery gaze met the white ceiling, forming a pit in my stomach, but then there was a gasp---followed by two other people breathing in relief. 

"Aida," a quiet voice spoke me. Distant as a rumble of thunder but as calm as before the rain descends. I knew that voice, my stronghold when the waves threatened to rise. 

I managed to turn my head and I saw River. He had been holding my hand. He had dragged a chair to the side of my bed and he looked like he hadn't slept in days. His eyes were heavy with exhaustion, darkness in his face like storm clouds crowding out the sunshine, but for once, I could see the relief. His emotions were evident and they spoke to me instead of hiding behind the mask of a businessman.