Accolade

chapitre vingt-deux

Is there really good in the world? 

Or is it just the bad disguised?

Once upon a time, I wanted to believe that everything was good. Everything had two sides. If there was bad, there also had to be good. Except I was having trouble keeping my mind from taking me under.

 I woke up to Auden fast asleep at my side, he hadn't left all night long. His face wasn't peaceful, it was distressed and I instantly felt guilty for causing it. I exhaled and turned my head to find Warren uncomfortably sleeping in my chair on the other side of my room. His head was tipped back, his tattooed arms crossed over his chest, long legs splayed out in front of him. 

I couldn't believe he stayed. Warren, my grumpy brother, had stayed because I had a mental breakdown last night. He'd heard me crying and came. 

My broken little heart tried to flip. 

I didn't know where River was. Perhaps working or sleeping. I tried to slip out from beneath Auden's arm, which had been halfway across my abdomen, but it woke him. 

"Morning," He uttered, rubbing his face. 

"Uh...morning," I replied, my voice hoarse, and then I continued to climb out of bed. I felt embarrassed, remembering last night. I couldn't believe I had said those things to Auden and then promptly cried for hours. 

How fragile was I?

Warren must be a light sleeper because he stirred at the sound of our voices. He stretched his arms over his head. I saw a glimpse of tattoos trailing down his abdomen and I hadn't known he had full body tattoos. He always wore clothes that covered his skin. Even his leather jacket hid his arm sleeves. 

He didn't say anything as I walked into the bathroom. His dark eyes just tracked my every movement. 

It was horribly awkward when we made it to the kitchen. Auden and Warren trailed behind me like two lost puppies but I knew they were worried. I was worried, too, because my stomach was curling with a bad feeling. 

I had another round of chemotherapy today. 

I didn't eat because I was pretty sure I was going to throw it back up. I sipped on a single cup of water and then pushed that away. River came into the kitchen and made eye contact with me. I would have looked away but this time I didn't. I let him see exactly how I was. 

"Did something happen?" He asked.

I exhaled. Somehow, it felt like I was deflating. 

"She has a doctor's appointment today," Auden said, and it was a half-truth. At least he put chemotherapy in a nice way because it was anything but a harmless appointment. I wasn't just going to be told my yearly physical was fine or my blood work wasn't abnormal. 

"Who---"

"Warren will go with me," I said, quickly. I didn't mean to cut River off but I continued, "You two have come with me for the last couple of times, and it's only fair, right?" Truth was, I didn't want Auden fussing over me. I didn't want to explain to River how I had experienced my first thoughts of not wanting to be alive. Warren was my best shot at avoiding painful conversation, and I hoped he wouldn't judge me for it. 

My third oldest brother simply nodded. 

River was staring through my soul. I was sure he knew exactly why I opted for Warren to go with me. He knew everything. I had avoided the hurt in Auden's gaze but I caught an unwilling glimpse when I looked in his direction. I didn't want to hurt any of them but I also wasn't sure how to handle these feelings. Eventually, I may be comfortable enough to express them to my brothers...and not just when I mentally couldn't handle it anymore.