Accolade

chapitre huit

Auden found me. 

I hadn't moved from the counter in the kitchen. My hands rested in my lap, and the food Warren had prepared for me remained untouched. I wanted to appreciate the gesture with all my heart but I didn't want to keep playing with fire. I was never good with hot and cold situations. Perhaps that's why Warren and I hadn't been the closest siblings growing up. 

"Everything okay?" Auden asked, his attention solely focused on me. 

I don't know. 

"I guess," I replied, rubbing one of my eyes to keep the feeling of tears away. I had cried more lately than I cared to admit. It was embarrassing. I silently wondered what Auden thought of me now, that he had witnessed my panic attack. "Warren confuses me." 

Auden visibly exhaled, growing more at ease as he turned and started the coffee pot, but he still spoke to me, "He confuses me, too. I've never completely understood him but I learned some things from Mom. That's how I knew he was going to say something stupid to you the other night." 

"He's just so... distant." 

"I agree," Auden hummed lightly, opening my refrigerator and grabbing some creamer, "How did you sleep?"

"Fine," that was a lie. I felt exhausted. I might as well have not slept. He grew quiet for a long moment. Somehow, I knew we both knew. He leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms, and the expression on his face told me there was no more room for jokes. 

"Aida, I found the pain medication on your nightstand last night," Auden began slowly, cautiously, "It still has the seal on it." 

"Yeah?" 

"Are you supposed to be taking them?" 

I hesitated, "Yeah." 

He held his breath before slowly releasing it, "Is there a reason you don't want to?" Somehow, he articulated the reason well enough and phrased the question in the least triggering way possible. I let my shoulders drop, the tension easing. 

"I don't want to get... addicted," I said quietly, unable to meet his gaze, "What if...what if I never..." 

"Get better?" I nodded when he finished what I was trying to say, words abandoning me once again. He sighed, and his tone was incredibly soft when he spoke again. "Oh, little Aida. Just because you take pain medication to help you get through this, doesn't mean you won't get through it. Have you been in pain?" 

"No," I mumbled, "Just aches, my legs haven't hurt that bad since... I fell." 

"Okay. That's good. I'm not angry but I would be if you had been in pain this entire time, and you didn't let any of us know. Have you ever heard the saying that you fall down seven times, and get up eight?"

"Yes."

"This is the eighth, you've gotten up," He urged, "And you will keep getting up. Again and again." 

Perhaps he knew that a fall had been my worse fear. It was any dancer's worst nightmare. Most didn't get back up, others abandoned their dreams because fear overcame them. Somehow, Auden was figuring out what I needed to hear, at the right time, and it gave me hope. 

When he had prepared his coffee, I met his eyes and then slid my plate towards him. 

"You're not hungry?" He rose an eyebrow. 

"I ate a little." 

"Okay," He nodded. He remained standing on the other side of the counter as he sipped his coffee and devoured the food from my plate. He looked like a six-year-old again, stealing freshly baked cookies from the cooling rack while Mom had her back turned to him. He must not have realized it until he withdrew to his full height again. "Alright, what's the plan for today?"