Accolade

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I didn't know why but waiting was torture. 

It was worse when I knew what was coming. All the signs were showing in my body. I realized why those who fought cancer for so long began to lose their will. It was an endless battle that weighed on the soul. It sucked the very marrow from your bones. Eyes grew dull, smiles grew small. Life suddenly didn't mean fighting for every breath. Maybe there was a better life. After. 

Lucy stayed with me through the night. I was tired but I couldn't sleep. Not when I knew these would be my last days with the people I loved the most. I offered a small smile to each of my brothers when they returned after Lucy had fallen asleep. 

I knew how she felt. 

I had gone through it when my mother died. I couldn't count how many times I cried myself to sleep at night. How many times I was bawling at a random time in the afternoon because grief did not have a timeline. As humans, we mourn three times over. Once for the grief of the truth. Twice for the loss that comes with grief. And three times over when time does not heal all wounds. 

We simply learn to move on. 

It was the hardest thing I had ever done when I moved to New York City alone. I had cried all night while Auden comforted me. River had taken me to the airport in the morning. I arrived in the big city of dreams with a broken heart and a weeping soul. I let it bleed right into the passion I felt so deeply in my heart. It drove me until it consumed me.

Ballet had been my accolade. 

Everything that I was and everything that I could have become rushed through my veins like blood surrendering to my heart. I might have spent all my time in that studio, perfecting my skill and honing my talent, but I was living. I had smiled when my muscles ached. I had dreamed of that spotlight, revealing me to the world, as I worked relentlessly for the dream I had when I was just a little girl.

And I had done it. 

I lived my dream. 

Perhaps it hadn't been for as long as I had wanted. I still had so much that I wanted to. I still needed to dance for the world to see, on millions of famous stages and shows across the world. I had a mark to make in history, where my accolade would thrive forever. 

But sometimes life has different plans for us. 

Some of our dreams needed to be saved for the next life. 

I stroked Lucy's long hair as it covered my arm. Her sleep was restless. I willed it with everything in my heart that she would continue to pursue her dreams. Just because mine came to an end didn't mean hers had to. I silently told her that grief would be heavy for a while, but she was strong. I believed my best friend could become the best ballerina the world has ever seen. 

Because now I wouldn't be in her way. 

It was just like the bright stars in the night sky. Every so often, one would burn too brightly too quickly and without any explanation it would disappear. Within a night or so, a new star would be born and it would blink into existence where the last gave up its light. I believe they called it a supernova when stars died. A luminous, brilliant explosion. 

One last accolade. 

We often named the stars we were most fond of. 

Did humans mourn stars? 

I would find out. 

Someone had turned on the television in my room and the background noise was like a gentle scratch on my brain. I watched each of my brothers, memorizing everything about them. Perhaps I would keep my memory. Could there be a link between us in the after?