The Girl On The Cam

Chapter-30

"Hello?" Sounds Aiden Brown's angelic voice over my phone.

I say nothing, gulping audibly at how his voice can still affect me even though its been weeks since we last contacted.

"Hello? Amber?" There's a hint of hurry in his voice, like he's running late for something.

"Um yeah, hey. Sorry I butt dialed you." I lie, suddenly feeling nauseous at the idea of exposing that part of my life to anyone.

"Oh." The disappointment in his voice is loud and clear. It makes me feel guilty.

I have never shared the same feelings for Aiden but he had some pretty intense feelings. Calling him now makes me realise that somewhere, probably in the parts of himself that he won't ever admit, he still held hope.

I smack my head on the kitchen counter.

Stupid, stupid girl.

If Lauren was here, she'd tell me that I have nothing to feel guilty about. That I'm not responsible for someone else feelings and shouldn't be upset because I don't share the same feelings.

What is fucking wrong with me? I'm on a call with a guy that I care about, if not anything else, and I'm thinking about a woman who I'm in love with.

I'm like a bisexual Elena Gilbert.

"Yeah. So sorry if I disturbed you." I hope I sound as empathetic as I feel. He makes a grunting sound from the back of his throat and tells me it's okay and if there's anything I need I shouldn't hesitate to hit him up. I thank him for offering and cut the call.

The microwave dings for the 3rd time and I drag my unwilling feet to retrieve the heated up mac and cheese. I can't remember the last time I had real food in this house which didn't either come in boxes or frozen dishes in the refrigerator. Only when Lauren spend the nights. She insisted on cooking food saying that I needed to be fed warm, freshly prepared food. It wasn't about the food though, it was about the fact that she cared enough for me to put that sort of effort after having a hectic day at work.

How can someone change your entire life just within a month? How can you miss someone you've known for such a short span of time and develop such strong feelings for them that it hurts when I breathe? I'm torn, I'm burning, I'm aching and hurting.

I remember my sister reading Wuthering Heights in her high school days. She used to say it was the most tragic love story ever told. That Wuthering Heights is tragedy in the purest sense, tragedy of self-betrayal and transgression. It's a book filled with immense loss and by losing each other, Catherine and Heathcliff lost themselves.

Have I lost a part of myself too? Perhaps the part that allowed my heart to fall for someone so easily? Will I now be vary of every romantic interest in my life, always second guessing what their intentions are?

I don't let myself mull over it for long. I can think about Lauren for however long I want but it will serve me no purpose. She's no longer a part of my life, hell she was never a part of my life. She was like the summer love they glamorize in Netflix movies. There's 3 weeks of summers left, I need to get myself together to enter a completely new part of my life.

In college, where no one knows me, I can be whoever I want. I can be someone who I've always been inside but suppressed it because of some ridiculous high school standards. College Amber is going to be badass.

I hope so.

I really, really hope so.

With a newfound hope ignited in me, I decide to let this text thing go. Once in college, I'm gonna change my phone number anyway, so it's not going to be a big problem. It's probably some pathetic little asshole who lives in his parent's basement and somehow hacked into the website to retrieve my personal information. It didn't have my home details so he probably doesn't know where I live or so I choose to believe. This house has been a safe haven for me when I needed to get away from all the toxicity happening around me. So I really need to believe it's my safe haven from whoever this creep is.