In the end, its Him & I

36. The Darkness

A throbbing sensation settled in my core as I opened my eyes. My body felt so tender, that I didn't dare move for fear of causing myself additional pain.

My eyes scanned the room as much as I could in this position. Suddenly Grey came into view as he stood and hovered over me. 

"How are you feeling, yildiz?"

"A lot of pressure, but I'm fine. What happened?" I asked. His head hang low as he avoided my eyes. "Grey? Why won't you look at me?"

He brought his palm up to my face and brushed my hair out of the way. "There was so much..." he started, "So much blood, Ana...I was so scared." He mumbled, his voice breaking as he fought to hold back tears.

A tear fell from his eyes and dropped onto my cheek. I reached up and cradled his face with my hand.

The painful expression on his face made my heart shrink into tiny pieces. I hated seeing him like this.

He wasn't telling me something, I was sure of it. He could barely hold eye contact with me for more than 2 seconds and he'd never had that problem before. "What happened to me?" I asked remembering all of the blood and immense pain.

"You were pregnant," he said finally looking me in the eyes.

I scrunched my eyebrows, this had to be a dream. There was no way.

Was. I was pregnant.

Past tense.

Was.

"What are you talking about, I can't get pregnant," I said staring at him dumbfoundedly. "You're lying..." I said taking my hand off of his face, "Why are you lying to me? There's no way I could be pregnant. You know that...you know..." I said frantically.

"You lost the baby" he whispered taking my hand in his. "The doctor said your tubes weren't cut, they were tied, making it possible for a baby to be conceived. He said it's very rare and these pregnancies are very high-risk which resulted in you losing the baby." He ran his hand through his hair, "The doctor will-"

My breath felt constricted in my throat as I watched his mouth move. I'd entered that dark place in my mind once again. The place in which I couldn't feel, hear or move. My eyes closed as I continued to block out the world and everyone in it.

This was pain like I'd never known before. It was one thing to think I'd never be able to have kids but to be told I'd lost one.

My body failed me.

I failed myself.

I failed my unborn baby.

My life was a cycle of never-ending torment and heartbreak.

As the tears burned my eyes I questioned everything. Why was this happening to me? Why now? What did I do so wrong to deserve this?

Did I deserve this?

I was worthless.

The truth is, that weak little girl was still inside me. Waiting patiently under the surface to make her appearance.

Unrelenting thoughts and countless scenarios ran through my mind as I lay here. If I hadn't been such a coward I would've found out a long time ago that my tubes weren't cut, just tied.

I wouldn't have put myself, my family, and my fiancée through so much pain. I wouldn't have lost my baby.

I wouldn't have proven my father right yet again. Even six feet under he was still haunting me.

I lost my baby...

The baby I wanted so much I'd do anything, anything to have.

I wanted to run. Run far away from here, forget everything that ever happened to me.