my step-brother's best friend // ziam

Memory Eleven + Chapter Sixteen

Memory Eleven

If I thought Zayn leaving the town was painful, I was sure deceived because I didn’t know what was coming. I was blindsided and didn’t see the pain that would come by living without him. Not having him come to our house every weekend with Harry was painful, not seeing him at the parties was painful, not having him take me to the fair was painful, the only emotion I felt was pain, pure, heartbreaking, killing pain.

…But, after the pain came numbness. You know that feeling when you shower with really cold water and you just can’t feel your skin anymore and you can’t feel the water tapping against your skin because you’re freezing? That’s how I felt… I felt numb. I became a whole nother person… I became a numb person with no emotion. I just stared at people blankly, I wasn’t the shy Liam that nodded and agreed and smiled at everything.

Instead, I became this… weird, different Liam. I just felt numb and cold and blank… more empty, you know? Who would’ve thought Zayn became heroin for me…? Without him I felt weak… I needed to inject him into my blood vessels to feel alive, I needed to have him near me and make sure I had him upon my grasp… Without him I felt empty and wreck less…. I rarely talked to people without Zayn.

I only talked when I had to… For example, presenting projects in front of the class, talking to the teacher, being forced to talk to Harry and his friends… Just anything that was a must… Otherwise, I would shrug it off or just nod and smile weakly.

Not only was I a mess up in my head, but I was a mess outside as well. I looked like a complete utter mess. I had gotten a haircut a week after Zayn left. He loved my wavy hair, but without him no one else was here to compliment it, so why not chop it off? So, that’s what I did… I left it short and style able, but I didn’t style it… I just didn’t feel like it without having someone to impress, that someone being Zayn… My clothes became wider than usual, I started wearing baggy clothes and I grew a pair of bags under my eyes along with weak arms and skinny fingers… I became so weak… I looked scary… I looked so ghostly and haunting it was terrifying.

I came to a conclusion though… I knew I had gotten myself attached to Zayn a little too much, creepily too much. He had become my heroin, my drug. I needed to have him or I felt weak and incapable of living. Having him in my system and beside me gave me life, gave me a buzz to smile and life, he gave me a boost and a push to be happy and live life, but without him the table turned and it all became the opposite… He was my drug and I needed him, no matter what.

Chapter Sixteen

I fucked up… I knew I fucked up; none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t fucked up. I screwed things up and it was my entire fault. Zayn left yet again and it was all because of me. I never in my life wanted him to leave me again, yet here I was having him move back to Bradford because of me. This was my entire fault. It was never my intention to him to go back to Bradford yet here I was not having him around me. He was probably already with his family back in Bradford and I’m still here not moving on from him… He hasn’t even texted me, he hates me.

If I hadn’t walked away that day in the fair this wouldn’t of had happened. If that little fucking jock didn’t tell Harry about us or didn’t persecute me this wouldn’t of had happened, but most of all if I hadn’t believed him and had believed Zayn this wouldn’t of had happened, but since I’m Liam Payne of course shit happens to me. I can’t help it; it’s just what happens to me. Whoever surrounds me goes through hell… I can’t help it, I can’t control it…

“Liam,” I heard Harry call out the room while knocking desperately, “Come down to eat,”

“Fuck off,” I mumbled in between sobs.

I hadn’t stopped crying since the day I watched the taxi fade away into the horizon. It was painful seeing the boy I so loved just disappear like that… It was an inexplainable emotion… It didn’t feel real because of how painful it was. It felt like it could go in a movie or something, I mean this just doesn’t happen to normal people… Do normal people really see their loved ones disappear from their grasp in the blink of an eye? One second you’re all happy eating cotton candy, you blink and they’re leaving in an airplane? That just… That’s fucked up… That shouldn’t happen… Why didn’t someone send me a warning slip for the pain that was about to hit me unexpectedly in the face… or maybe send me a couple of million bucks in the post so I could pay for all the tissues and toilet paper I’ve used for my tears… Whoever said men don’t cry clearly haven’t met me… because I’m going to hell this entire week.

“You’re going to have to come out one day from there, you know?” Harry said hopelessly.

“I have…” I mumbled, “You just haven’t caught me,”

“One day I will,” Harry said.

I always made sure I left my room when Harry was in his room. I never wanted to see his face. He disgusted me. What kind of asshole would do this to their step-brother? Who would kick out their best friend? But, most of all, their step-brother’s love? The one they so loved since they first saw? That’s just shady, that’s disgusting… You should never do that…

You know what I was really longing for right now though… I’ve been wanting to feel Zayn’s strong muscles against my body… Feel him wrap his arms behind my waist unexpectedly… kiss up my neck… to my jaw… nimble my ear and mumble he loves me against it…. and then leave burning kisses against my cheek and turn me around so we could full on kiss…. I was really up for that…. I missed running my hands through his soft, silky, black hair... I missed opening my eyes after a kiss and meeting those eyes that would open like a treasure chest and reveal golden orbs…

I mindlessly wiped my cheek and felt warm drops against the palm of my hand… Not a surprise since I’m literally crying every day now, anyway….

I took out my phone and ran my fingers through the screen and saw my call history. Zayn had faded to a couple of scrolls down the screen. We hadn’t talked in a while… I missed hisvoice, he had such a strong, deep, masculine voice with such a strong accent, I loved it. It was such a turn on, his accent made every single word sound so luscious and beautiful… He had such a magical voice that could turn the ugliest of words into the prettiest of words in the dictionary. I missed his voice, I missed his grip against my hand. I missed how his hand fitted in mine like my right hand fits in my left hand… I missed him and every single fact about him…

I scrolled to the first notification of Zayn’s last call in my call history. I hesitated before I pressed the green button in the screen. I took a shaky deep breath, sobbing a bit and letting a sigh escape my lips. The tone rang a couple of times. I wiped my tears with my hand and held the phone with both my shaking hands…

“Hello…?” Zayn’s beautiful, thick voice answered in the other end of the call. I missed his voice so much. I didn’t realize how much I should’ve treasured such a beautiful voice. A shaky breath escaped my lips. I was taken aback by his voice. I missed it so much…

“Liam…? Are you there…?” Zayn’s voice asked.

“Liam…?” Zayn asked more desperately.

“Z-z…” I tried to say, but too many tears were clouding up my eyesight and a lump in my throat was clogging my voice not allowing me to talk.

“Liam… I don’t know if you can hear me… but I miss you so much…” Zayn said a glint of sadness in his voice.

“Z-zayn…” I choked out.

“I love you, Liam… I-I… I have to go…” Zayn didn’t hesitate to hang up… and that… was that.

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A/N: Yay for a new part! :) Sorry it's so suckish, I've been on a writer's block and just feeling really down and stressed out idk this just isn't my month... or year... Anywayssssss, I hope you guys have had a great week and yeah idk what else to say. Ohhh if any of you guys have the app Tapped Out I highlyyy recommend you add me ;) ;) cough cough my user is: idkmari... just sayinggg cough cough don't be shyyyyy i don't biteee so add me :) Anways, love you all and until the next updateeeeee. [[TMH TOUR STARTS TODAY/TOMORROW OKAY JGKSFDJ]] oh btw OWOA was perfecto.

dedicated to: gibbsy12 thanks for reading and i appreciated your comment in the last part so graciasssssssss (: