Memories I am afraid I'll forget

Day 41, grief

The morning I had, I do not wish on my worst enemy, not that I have any. My friend died last night.

There is just no nice way of putting it to ease me or you into this piece of news.

My friend died last night. I woke up to the messages flooding my inboxes. The news was delivered to me by her husband and by her sibling. Once I read the messages, I immediately just started shaking and sobbing uncontrollably.

My heart is literally breaking for her and for all her loved ones. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain this must be for the whole close family. I am not that brave. It is huge even on us, close friends.

She had cancer. She found out just recently.

I was dreading somebody would die while I am here so that I won't be home to console people or to be consoled. For a slight moment a week or so ago, I also felt this strange feeling that the universe is going to take its toll, as my life here cannot be just that easy and extraordinarily good. But I was not expecting this. Her. The most loving and kindest person I knew.

You see? From such heights of yesterday to such depth. I didn't even think it was possible. But it was.

Trying to deal with my grief and loss, I turned to working and writing, which only worked for short periods. After some hours, I simply gave up working. Crying was coming and going all day. Never knowing when it hit.

I hated that I had to get out of the house today to buy those silly clothes – something even much more of a nuisance now – not that I would care now if I froze to death in Boston.

I hate Fall. I have always hated it, now I only hate it even more. One more devastating thing I will always associate Fall with.

Such a tremendous loss is hard to process. It is much easier to deal with, if an older person dies from 'old age', as the Queen did.

Being in and out of crying, talking to friends and trying to console each other, I believe my friend would love us to think of her exactly as she was. Always nice and kind, adventurous, and always putting others first. She would help you in any way she could. She did not even want to burden us with her sickness even in her last days.

Main takeaway for me from this: 1) do what you love, do not care what others might think about it 2) if you were always afraid to make that move, make that move! 3) live life to the fullest – yolo. 4) love your people! and tell them so! (I just did, wrote to my loved ones saying I loved them) 5) try and stay positive – even against all odds.

If that is any consolation at these times, my friend lived her life 'yolo' style. The last time we met, I was visiting her in Budapest, just right after she got out of the hospital after a blood clot (at that time, she didn't know she had cancer). She just said: 'I've always lived my life yolo.' – and that is true. I am glad she made some amazing memories with her family, husband, and I was lucky enough to share some of those moments with her, too.

Dalmi, I am honored to have known you. Thank you for everything. You'll forever be in my heart.

5 October 2022