Memories I am afraid I'll forget

Day 43, anger issues

When I started this journal, I never would have dared to imagine what painful things I am going to write about. But I guess this is how life is. It is never solely good things.

My colleagues wanted to write a memorial article about my late friend, Dalma, to the university webpage. I could not feel less disgusted by this and could not really wrap my head around it. I felt extremely anxious and angry about it, but this is not about me now. This is collective pain and grief.

If I die, please don't write memorial thoughts about me. Or write it just do not publish it. Share a picture of me on one of my travels (possibly Californian), say hashtag good life and let that be it. Please. Or check Berkeley's site for passed away faculty members. That is professional. What we are planning, is not.

But for my friends and for Dalma's husband, I'll do it. In Hungarian. So, here it goes. If it was on paper, it would be soaking wet.

Amikor mesterképzés alatt megismertem Dalmát, tudtam, hogy egy csupaszív ember, aki imád jókat nevetni, finomakat enni, barátkozni és fejlődni az életben. Mindig a szeme előtt lebegett egy új cél, egy újabb vállalkozás ötlet, vagy szimplán csak egy szuper programlehetőség, ahová mindig hívta az ismerőseit. Mellette bárki egyből barátra lelt. Feltette számomra a Brain Bart (és még sok mást) a térképre, így múlt héten még arról írtam neki, hogy jövőre újra együtt megyünk majd. Ez az üzenetem már olvasatlan maradt.

Hálás vagyok, hogy sok időt tölthettem Vele az egyetemi éveink, a PhD képzés, majd pedig az óraadói munkássága alatt is. A barátságunkból családi barátság lett, hiszen „A fiúk is jól kijönnek!" mondtuk nevetve, amolyan barátnős "alattomosan összebarátkoztatjuk a párjainkat" céllal. Mosollyal az arcomon emlékszek vissza arra, ahogy megmásztuk négyen a bled-i tavat (vagyis a mellette lévő hegyeket), hogy aznap két ember küzdhesse le a tériszonyát. Vagy amikor körbehajóztuk a Faraglioni-t, együtt buliztunk a SZIN-en, két óratartás között ebédeltünk egy gyorsat, a PhD-n gondolkodtunk a Lófaránál, próbáltuk lassan enni a pizzát Nápolyban, átvettük a mesteres diplománkat, fagyiztunk Veronában, vagy amikor sütit majszoltunk az OTDK-n Budapesten.

Dalma sokak szívében hatalmas űrt hagyott. Egy valamit, amit az utolsó látogatásom során mondott, viszont ne feledjünk: „Én már rég YOLO vagyok." – mondta. Morzsányi megnyugvást jelenthet minden gyászolónak, hogy Dalma úgy élte az életét, hogy minden lehetőséget megragadott, minden pillanatot megélt és ha válaszúthoz érkezett, minden dologra igent mondott, ami Őt boldoggá tette. Biztos vagyok benne, hogy ebben a szituációban is mosolyogva és nevetve támogatna minket. Szerintem ezt mondaná: "Látjátok? Mondtam, hogy ki kell maxolni mindent."

Abban is biztos vagyok, hogy Dalma azt tanácsolná, éljük az életünket a legjobb belátásunk szerint félelem és lemondások nélkül, hiszen egyszer élünk! Amint lehetőségünk adódik, ne féljünk élni vele, hiszen ki tudja, meddig van rá ténylegesen módunk. Végül, de nem utolsó sorban pedig próbáljunk meg pozitívak maradni, még akkor is, ha úgy érezzük, minden ellenünk dolgozik.

Drága Dalma! Örülök, hogy ismerhettelek. Hiányozni fogsz minden egyes nap. Ahogy éltél és amilyen voltál, sokaknak követendő példaként szolgálhat. - Ancsi

Translation might not do it justice, as I poured my heart out in Hungarian this time, something I had never thought was possible. The things Dalma teaches me even after her passing are just unbearable to think about. Just when I was talking to my husband earlier, I mentioned how much I had learned from Dalma. She had taught me many new skills (Adobe Illustrator included) and opened my eyes on certain issues. It seems she has just taught me about me, too.

Here comes the English version.

When I met Dalma during my master's studies, I learned that she is a lovely person, who loves a good laugh, delish food, meeting new people and just to develop as a person professionally and personally. She had always had her eye on a new target, she had many ideas for new enterprises, or simply invited everyone to cool events. Anyone could find a friend in her. She put Brain Bar (and many other things) on the map for me. So last week, I wrote to her about how we are going together again next year. This message of mine remained unanswered.

I am grateful for having been able to spend a lot of time with her during our masters, PhD and university working life, too. Our friendship became a family tie between us. We kept giggling at how we made our boyfriends get to know and care for each other, too, saying 'the boys are also getting on well'. I have a smile on my face when I remember to the times when we climbed the hills next to Lake Bled, so on that day, two people could conquer their fear of heights. Or when we sailed around the Faraglioni, partied on SZIN (a local festival in Szeged, Hungary), had a quick lunch in between two university classes, were thinking about PhD at Lófara (a scenic place in Szeged), were trying to eat pizza slowly in Naples, got our master's degree, had gelato in Verona, or when we were having the best cakes in the 2015 OTDK in Budapest.

Dalma left a huge hollow space in many of our hearts. But one thing she mentioned to me during my last visit to her, we should not forget: 'I have long been loving like YOLO.' – she said. If it is a fracture of a consolation to everyone mourning and missing her, Dalma lived her life to the fullest. She grabbed every opportunity she had, and whenever facing difficult choices, she would choose the ones that she would personally believe were good for her and made her happy. I am certain that even now she would keep consoling us saying something like 'You see? I told you! You have to make the most out of life!'

I am also certain that Dalma would advise us to live our lives to the fullest without fear. We only live once, after all. If we have a chance, we should be taking advantage of it, as who knows for how long we have the chance to. Last but not least, we should stay positive, even if we feel the odds are not in our favor.

Dear Dalma, I am happy to have known you. I'll miss you every day. How you lived and what you were like could be an example for many. - Ancsi

Today, I got my itinerary to the East coast in November. I already know the planes and the hotels we are going to. Unbearable to process the depths and the heights. But I am taking my friend's memory with me there, too.

The ITD program director even reached out to everyone involved in my case (Fulbright + SUSI program overlap) stating how grateful he was that everyone made the SUSI Capstone for me happen. The professionalism they have here is just amazing. I also sent my notes on my gratitude.

Another tough step I had to take was about Brain Bar. Remember how my friend put that on the map for me? Well, the Hungarian guy, the founder of Brain Bar is coming to San Jose to talk about his new book in 2 weeks. What is this if not a sign? I was reluctant to go, but then I was thinking of my friend. She would jump on this opportunity. So, just like that, I registered for the event.

Then Susie invited me for an ice-cream to lift my spirits, we went to Westfield and had a big scoop. It was nice to chat to her, I really appreciated it.

Tomorrow's plans: get myself together and write an article

7 October 2022