Memories I am afraid I'll forget

Day 48, my work is my cure

I have disclosed this about myself already, but here it goes again. I used to be a workaholic and sometimes I relapse. This is what happened today. Trying ever so desperately to get out of the woods saddened with grief, I buried myself in work. Work that was not even necessary to proceed with. Starting from webpage content generation, thesis work, conference organization, International Week ideas for next year, reaching out to other Berkeley scholars and many more, in the end, I was eventually glad I did all these. Today helped me regain my focus, my balance. This day gave me a rather clear conscience that everything I had promised to continue doing while away in the US, I kept continuing.

Not that I wanted to go back. I had a grief-management meeting with my closest colleagues, which turned out to be just a little bit weird. You are just about right to perceive me as an introverted person. I love disclosing info (especially my deepest feelings, thoughts, let alone emotions) with only 1 person at a time. And this person must be close to me. Very close. Or else, no sharing, thank you. I am not sharing everything with everyone. (Except in this journal. I am doing just that.) I am good and confident with sharing information with 1 person. But I don't like a crowd. Crowd meaning more than 1 person. Therefore, I now can state that I loved sharing more intimate voice messages with those I felt closest to. Anyways, I do not regret participating. I loved seeing the faces of my colleagues.

Since the death of my friend Dalma, I cannot manage to shake the feeling and it is ever so strong – I do not want to live in Hungary anymore. Would you like to live in a country, where a life-threatening condition is not discovered even though you regularly go to checkups? I didn't think so either. Previously, I had thought my work chains me to Hungary and Szeged in a sense you might call loyalty. But once you get to see life from a much wider perspective, you just discover that you can express your loyalty in other ways, too. Now I get that. What I'll do with it is up to me, my curiosity, and my willpower.

Have I mentioned I found a scholar at Berkeley (who is also a researcher at Stanford) who would be a perfect match for me to conduct research with. I'll try and reach out to her once I can write to Brent (Ági's host I'm meeting in 2 weeks) and ask for reach out advice and maybe a favor to introduce us. Nothing is impossible here – I might have mentioned that to you already.

Apartment update: After my conscience was much lighter by the end of the day, I was chatting with my hubby. We keep talking for longer periods nowadays, him supporting me a lot. The apartment looks more and more like a home – our home. Today, they spent hours and hours working on the medicine cabinet – or actually placing it on the walls. His best friend helped (and has been helping) a lot with everything. I do not think the bathroom would be their favorite, though. They spent three hours just drilling. Well... what fun.

Tomorrow's plans: I'm going to the university tomorrow, Staff Council Pizza Social and SJSU pride day is coming up. I hope they'll cheer me up just a bit.

12 October 2022