Memories I am afraid I'll forget

Day 74, Amherst, Baby!

Do you sleep well at night? Are you having peaceful nights? No, I'm not talking about nightmares, but scary reality. Can you imagine that you can get stung by a scorpion or tarantula any time during day or night inside your own house? That is how my scholar friend from Honduras lives her life. The SUSI program gave me this. Perspective. I would love to go and experience all this, too, though.

When they talk about cultural exchange in all those crazy pep talks for scholarships like Fulbright and SUSI, you can only guess what that could mean. For me, cultural exchange during SUSI is:

1. talking about similarities of politics in Honduras and Hungary,

2. listening and dancing to music from Zimbabwe, Tunis, North Macedonia, and countless more countries,

3. getting into details about how many surnames a person 'can' have in Brazil and in Bahrein,

4. preparing delicious food from Lebanon

5. discussing swimming lessons with an 11-year-old

6. exchanging research ideas for the upcoming years

7. embracing our differences and similarities – all jokes and kindness.

I could go on for so long, you would get tired of reading. I just know I could not with good conscience go back to Hungary and stay there. If I stayed, I would fall behind – in all senses. I would have to compromise an awful lot.

I just realized I do not belong or fit there anymore. Ever since I was a small child, I knew I did not belong, but could not understand why.

- First, I did not belong in my small town. I did not like the so called 'community', everyone was simple minded, nobody seemed to understand me, except for maybe 1 or 2 people, I kept in high regard.

- Second, I did not feel I belonged to my high school. I did not need much to do well and I was not challenged at all.

- Third, I never felt I belonged to the dark Hungarian communist-residue environment of always wanting more than the other has, envying others, talking behind each other's' backs and not caring for others. I never felt culturally or intellectually at home or at ease. Here I finally do. I finally feel that I belong. Both according to my cultural understanding, a.k.a. how I perceive culture and the small nuisances, and to my intellectual one. I understand people, I resonate with what and how they speak and I do feel at home.

Maybe this latter is the reason why I do not want to go back to Hungary and whenever I am dragged back to the Hungarian reality, my stomach twists, not in a good way. I am nervous and incredibly anxious if I am thinking about going back home. That might not be a good sign, right? This feeling of not belonging – and not even wanting to belong anymore. Not a bit.

Sometimes I am not replying to messages from home, deliberately. They pull me back to the Hungarian reality. This morning, I had a shitty start. I am saddened by how small people are and how enthralled they are in their everyday lives that even for the smallest kindness they think that is unique. Here, that is every minute of every day. It is not something unique. But then my mood was enlightened by a good friend of mine, who received very good feedback on her PhD. Instantly, I was shifted to this amazingly proud mood and felt much better. I was so proud of her. She worked her ass off to get to where she is now – finishing PhD much earlier than many of her peers and even some older colleagues. She, I am sure, is not going to stay in Hungary, either. She does not belong either. All the good ones are leaving.

On a lighter note. Today was amazing. I feel I am telling you all the good things, so today, I started with the deeper topic. Once we said a said goodbye to Boston, after a 2-hour bus ride, we arrived at Amherst, the loveliest small town in Massachusetts. We had our lunch and afternoon session with a professor on the effects of migration – during which lecture I was taking notes for my next research ideas. It was quite inspiring.

Once the class ended, we went shopping. Cendrella from Lebanon is going to cook a big dinner tomorrow, so we shopped for that and for tonight too. We had lunch together, while listening to national music from all over the world and sipping red wine. My kind of night. Food and drinks. Oh, and from today on, we are now having roomies, as we have moved into the iconic ITD community house, almost all of us having roommates. How fun! I'm living together with Diana from Honduras, a beautiful country I would love to visit.

Tomorrow's plans: Breakfast and lunch at UMass. Yes, we are yet again visiting an amazing college, the University of Massachusetts, which has the number one canteen in the USA, btw. One morning lesson at UMass and some afternoon lesson at the ITD house, followed by shopping and dinner at the house.

Hubby update: He was amazing today. He always lifts my mood even if I am down.

7 November